Love Dharma. Geri Larkin
for an answer. Trying a different tack, he asked Buddha the core question of the time for all women: “Is a woman able to gain the fruit of stream-entry [the experience of no-self ] or of once returning [ having one more life to go through before enlightenment], or of non-returning [ living the last life before enlightenment], or of arahantship [ living without desire and hatred and worthy of being worshipped], if she leaves the household life and enters into homelessness in the Dhamma and Discipline of the Tathagata?” 5
“Yes.”
“If a woman is able to do this, Lord—and moreover Mahaprajapati Gotami has rendered great service to the Blessed One: she is his aunt, his governess, and nurse, nourished him with her own milk after his mother died—therefore it would be good if the Blessed One would allow women to leave home for the homeless life in the Dhamma . . .” 6
Our hero. He got Buddha to admit that women are capable of enlightenment—out loud. Plus, these were the women who had nurtured and cared for the monks so that the men could do their spiritual work. Surely they deserved the same exposure to the teachings.
With trepidation Buddha allowed the women to become followers, opening a whole new vista to them: Constant spiritual practice. Teachings unlike any they had heard before. Different interpretations of their lives. Different priorities to their days. Whole new outlooks on relationships. Different takes on love.
As soon as Pajapati was ordained as a nun she saluted Buddha and stood to one side while he began to teach. Standing there, Pajapati experienced a deep awakening. So profound was her experience that she later let loose with a long prose poem describing the profound change in her life that had already come from studying with Buddha:
Buddha the waken, the hero, hail!
Supreme o’er every being that hath life,
Who from all ill and sorrow hast released
Me and so many, many stricken folk.
Now I have understood how I doth come.
Craving, the cause, in me is dried up.
Have I not trod, have I not touched the end
Of ill—The Eightfold Path?
Oh! But tis long I’ve wandered down all time.
Living as mother, father, brother, son,
And as grandparent in the ages past—
Not knowing how and what things really are.
And never finding what I needed.
But now mine eyes have seen the Exalted One;
And now I know this living frame’s the last,
And shattered is th’ unending round of births.
No more Pajapati shall come to be! 7
It was a new ball game for women.
Thousands followed Buddha during his lifetime. They came from all walks of life and from all classes. Some were royalty, others servants. Many were the mothers or sisters of the monks; a few were abandoned wives. Prostitutes studied beside harem women who studied beside grandmothers. Together, they demonstrated a determination to let go of the junk of their lives, to get past soured relationships, to burrow through the mountains of resentment and negative emotions accumulated over lifetimes. In their wake came fresh views on love and relationships, crazy wisdom for a new millennium, and not a moment too soon.
THE WOMEN
While the women who stumbled into enlightenment weren’t as closely related to Buddha as Pajapati, each of the women introduced here, all members of the initial group of followers, has left behind wisdom on how to live happily in a world of relationship samsara (the painful cycle of birth, death, and rebirth).
Known her entire life as one of the most breathtaking beauties in five kingdoms, Ambapali was so astonishingly beautiful that princes fought over her. Their battles finally ended when she was officially appointed chief courtesan of the city of Vesali. In those days, the role of courtesan was considered to be a positive thing. It gave women an inordinate amount of independence relative to wives or other single women. In Ambapali’s case, she evolved into a very wealthy businesswoman. She also bore a son to Buddha’s buddy King Bimbisara and was responsible for building a hermitage where Buddha and his monks spent many of their retreats. Over time, Ambapali watched her livelihood and all of her social support erode as age inevitably robbed her of her identity, not to mention the relationships that had physically and financially supported her for years. She teaches us about impermanence, appreciation, and the fine art of being content.
Capa was the daughter of a trapper who was known for his generous provision of food for many young monks. Capa fell in love with one of them; they married and had a child, but the monk abandoned her to go back to the life of an ascetic. Capa defined love in a whole new way. Out of her deep love for her husband she was able to help him leave her!
Born to a well-to-do family, Citta followed Buddha’s teachings for something like fifty years before she finally had her first experience of enlightenment as an old, old woman. Citta teaches us about caring for ourselves first and foremost. Doing no harm starts with the body-mind that has our name on it.
Isadasi was a woman who desperately tried to be the perfect wife, following all the complicated cultural rules of the day— acting toward her husband as a mother, a servant. Despite all her efforts, her husband couldn’t stand her and left. She gives us more lessons on working through, and with, abandonment.
Khema was one of the two women responsible for running the first community of nuns. She came from a ruling family and was so beautiful that her skin was described as the color of pure gold. As a young woman she was the chief consort of King Bimbisara, eventually giving up even that relationship for a shot at enlightenment. Khema reminds us that life is much too short. We need to stay clear on what really matters.
Unlike most of the other women, Kisagotami came from a poor family. As a young bride, she was terribly mistreated by her in-laws. When she bore a son she was better treated. She became a model wife and mother until her baby died as a toddler. Insane with grief, Kisagotami went to Buddha, begging him to bring her baby back to life. Her story is about the compassion we all experience that springs from a deep loss. In these places we realize that the most important thing in life is not a relationship with someone else, it is the relationship we have with ourselves. It is how we nurture that relationship.
On the other end of the social scale was Mallika, the queen of Kosala. The spunky and independent-minded wife of King Pasenadi, Mallika cajoled him with so much vehemence to listen to Buddha that he finally gave in to save their relationship . . . and became one of Buddha’s disciples himself. Theirs is a long, happy love story. When Mallika dies before her husband, he goes insane with grief. Mallika’s story alone could fill a book. She faced jealousy and competition at every turn—the down and dirty, mean and ugly components of relationships, yet she was able to overcome them all.
Patacara was one of the most powerful leaders among the women disciples. A skilled and gifted teacher in her later years, Patacara was one of the few nuns who actually preached to laypeople. Her story is important because it clarifies the appropriateness of women as teachers. Patacara came from a banker’s family and was supposed to marry a young man of equal rank; instead, she ran away with her lover, one of the family servants. Basically, her life went downhill from there until she resolved to follow the Buddha, quickly making a name for herself as a disciplined and knowledgeable nun. She teaches about the cost of lust and the need to be clear about what we really mean when we say, or think, we love someone.
Samavati was a prominent laywoman from a merchant family of Bhaddavati. She learned about Buddha from her slave woman Khujjuttara, who spent every cent she had on flowers for a little altar after she heard Buddha’s first teaching. Samavati couldn’t believe how happy her slave was and had to see what was going on for herself, knowing that following her slave’s footsteps could mean giving up her relationships and her social standing. Samavati’s story reminds us of an important question: How much do we really need when it comes to relationships?