Intimate Treason. Claudia Black
One way to think about who it is you would use or not use for support is the symbol of a traffic light. Those in the green light region will be supportive, safe, and trustworthy. What you share with them will be more open and intimate. Then there are those with whom you would like to share but have reasons to be reticent. The yellow light area includes those people whom you wouldn’t necessarily turn to for emotional support, but would need to inform them for other logistical reasons. Say you and your partner have decided to separate and it is necessary to tell certain friends and family, or at certain events you have contact with someone who asks you why your partner is not with you. These are yellow areas where you wouldn’t confide in them, yet you need to reveal enough information to give the impression that the status of the relationship has changed. This helps to keep you on surer footing as you navigate discretion without the fear you’ll say too little or nothing at all.
EXAMPLE
I wanted you to know that Mary and I have separated. This is a very painful time, but I wanted you to hear it from me rather than someone else.
Those whom you know will not be supportive belong in the red light zone. These people may be the closest to you, like a sister or a parent, but they may be people you know would judge you unfairly or not be empathetic to your plight. Their reactions to your situation would be unhelpful, and in fact, hurtful to you. They may say comments such as, “Leave him.” “All men cheat.” “How could you stay?” Or they condone or minimize the behavior and imply you are the cause of it. It may be out of ignorance, or possibly these individuals have unresolved issues that make them unavailable to share your concerns. Whatever the case, these are people with whom revealing very little will protect you from emotional harm.
As you think of people in your life, you need to consider: 1) whether or not they can be supportive; 2) if they can keep a confidence safe; 3) your motive; and 4) long-term ramifications.
EXAMPLES
1. I have this relatively new friend and we talk every day and I would like to tell her, but her boyfriend works at the same place as my husband and it would not be good if he was aware that I told about our situation.
Support: Yes Safe: No Motive: Positive Ramifications: Questionable
2. I would like to talk to my boss because at times we have talked personally, but politics can change at work and this may not be the best situation.
Support: Yes Safe: Questionable Motive: Positive Ramifications: Questionable
3. I want to tell my mom because if I don’t, someone else will and there’s no telling what she’ll be told. She will be so angry with my husband, she’ll feel compelled to tell her friends and very likely create stress for me by becoming preoccupied with my situation.
Support: Questionable Safe: Questionable Motive: Positive Ramifications: Questionable
4. I want to tell my sister-in-law. She is forever telling me how lucky I am to be married to such a good provider and she needs to know what a skunk my husband really is.
Support: No Safe: Questionable Motive: Negative Ramifications: Questionable
5. I want to tell my friend Susie because she is trustworthy and will be of great support to me.
Support: Yes Safe: Yes Motive: Positive Ramifications: None
6. I want to tell my sister Dee because she will be caring and supportive and allow me to tell others when I’m ready.
Support: Yes Safe: Yes Motive: Positive Ramifications: None
Some people, such as examples five and six, will be very clear options for you. They will be supportive, safe, and trustworthy. Consider them green light people. Those who are not safe, trustworthy, or supportive, such as example four, are red light people. Then there are those with whom you would like to share, but have reasons to be reticent. Those are yellow light people, such as examples one, two, and three.
Using the following graphic as a guide, identify the people in your life who you will or will not tell and place them in the corresponding color that best fits.
EXAMPLES
Green Light (those whom I choose to tell freely)
Susie
Sister Dee
Yellow Light (those whom I choose to tell with discretion)
mother
boss
new friend
Red Light (those to whom it is unsafe to say anything)
sister-in-law
SCRIPTING CHALLENGING CONVERSATIONS
Take time to consider situations where you might be asked questions about your relationship, particularly with those people you’ve put in your yellow or red light categories. Tailoring your story protects your privacy and aids you in not saying more than intended. In these types of situations, you might address the essentials of the crisis, but leave out your emotion or judgment. Typically, you’ll want to limit what you say by structuring it into three to four sentences.
An example of a response to someone who has heard there was a divorce or separation might be: “I am not comfortable sharing details, but yes, Mary and I are separated. Thank you for your concern.” The “thank you for concern” conveys that you are finished talking about this.
Or when he or she asks where your partner is: “Mary is not able to be here tonight, but I am glad to be here.” The statement acknowledges the comment and redirects the focus to you and away from your absent partner. By making a statement, you are not openly inviting dialogue and instead are conveying a shift in the conversation.
Sometimes, people will be more aggressive in wanting to know your business. Unfortunately this can be challenging and may be more indicative about them. “Oh my gosh Susan, I just heard these rumors about Kevin, what is going on?” You respond with a fact that offers little detail and with a tone to close the questioning. “This is a very difficult time. I hope you can respect our need for privacy.”
If the person continues to press with: “But I feel so bad for you.” Wait as if you will now share more detail, and say: “As I said, this is a really difficult time; there are problems, and I hope you will respect our need for privacy.”
Considering the above suggestions, if there are yellow or red light people who you anticipate talking to, take this time to write out what you might say. Share only what you are comfortable sharing. What you share with people needs to be determined according to 1) support, 2) safety, 3) motive, and 4) the possible ramifications.
It is helpful if you and your partner are in agreement as to who will or will not be told. For a variety of reasons this does not always work out. There may be people who you feel are important enough to tell, but whom your partner may not. Although this presents a conflict between the two of you, if your motivation is for you and supports you in