Intimate Treason. Claudia Black
alt=""/> Ruminating, obsessive thinking about what you picture or fantasize he or she did and what it looked like, who the partners were, and/or about revenge.
What makes these behaviors problematic is that they betray you. If you give in to the urge to exact revenge, you will suffer the consequence of further pain and often the problem for which you sought relief will still be there. In order to begin to lessen the automatic urge to react to a trigger, it is important to know that the body needs time for intense reactivity to subside. This can take fifteen to twenty minutes because the brain becomes flooded with a rush of neurochemical changes that prepare you to fight, flee, or freeze. To control an impulse caused by a triggering event, it is essential you create a plan that can be used anytime, anywhere as soon as your body is giving any sensory signs that you are in danger.
Subtle signs such as a receipt for a cash withdrawal, a sex scene on television, or an inappropriate email written by your partner can trigger realistic fear that he or she is acting out. Having the best strategies in place to handle and address triggers is essential to effectively recovering from your trauma. Here are a few ways to acknowledge and then address the triggers.
STOP TECHNIQUE
Recognizing your reactivity is the first step in stopping self-defeating behavior. Many have found it helpful, as they catch themselves in the behavior, to visualize themselves writing down or saying the word STOP. Slowly count to ten. Then ask yourself, “If I were to act on my urge right at this moment, would it help me in the long run to find answers to my pain?” Then ask what you can do or say to yourself that would be more helpful.
Other questions to ask yourself are, “What do I need right now? What would help me with my pain?” Recognize that you may not have the answer, but by posing the questions you increase your self-awareness and invite compassion into your healing process. The following sections contain tools for you to consider as a way to manage your distress.
DISTRACTION STRATEGIES
Create a distraction or an image that slows down your thinking. The following is a list of possible distractions. In your journal, write down those that you have utilized successfully and/or are willing to try.
IMAGERY
You may also find it helpful to have an image that you can call upon to slow down your obsessive mental focus.
EXAMPLES
Dina pictured a blue-green wave washing over her from head to toe, carrying away any unwanted debris (negative thoughts) and taking it out to sea.
Eve pictured herself driving very fast as if all the signal lights were green, and then envisioned the lights turning yellow, slowing her thoughts. Then as her thoughts begin slowing down more, all the lights gradually turn red.
Phil envisioned a small harbor where he has anchored his power boat. The waves lapping against the boat from the wake he created gradually become fainter and fainter and fainter.
Sandie put her thoughts into a bubble and envisioned that bubble floating off into space. She could see the bubble rising and disappearing.
Identify an image that works for you—something that will slow the process of obsessive, vengeful thinking and gradually dissipate the thought. Be creative. You can write about an image or draw it or even cut it out of a magazine and paste it into your journal.
While the focus of this chapter is on reactivity and managing triggers, some of you may find it difficult to respond to situations in the moment. Your tendency may be to freeze or go numb during an emotionally charged event. Feelings can seem impossible to experience and identifying needs can be similarly elusive. Sometimes the numb response happens in day-to-day living as you may find it difficult to get through your normal responsibilities. These types of nonreactive responses could also be a sign of depression for which outside help from a mental health practitioner should be sought. Many of the techniques in the “Distraction Strategies” listed earlier in this exercise will also be helpful to you.
You know yourself best, so think about what would be most helpful to you. It may be as basic as preparing a meal, talking to someone about how you’re feeling, writing about what you are unwilling to do, going to bed at a regular time, returning phone calls, or showering daily.