Intimate Treason. Claudia Black
EXAMPLES
He is a sex addict. He uses sex as he used drugs, and he was clearly addicted to the drugs.
He is a sex addict because he knows his pornography is hurting our marriage and yet he keeps going back to it. He can’t stop on his own, and I actually think he wants to stop.
I don’t think she’s a sex addict. To my knowledge she has only had two affairs in fifteen years and both were one night stands when she was on the road. I think she was angry with me and getting back at me.
I’m not sure. I know he had sexual secrets with his last partner, but he says it is not addictive and he can stop. I want to believe him.
Taking into account the circumstances that have led you to confront sexual addiction and the social, cultural, and religious climate that has influenced and shaped your world, it is important to acknowledge what the words addiction and sex addiction mean to you. By doing so you further engage in a process of defining and owning your experience.
The Ripple Effect: Cost of Addiction in My Life
This section will help you become aware of the pervasive impact addiction has had on you. You will identify those areas most affected. Reflecting on relationships, both personal and social, your parenting, your work, and the emotional and physical toll on yourself will give clarity as to the extent of the problem. It will also help you prioritize that which is most critical for you to address in order to establish and maintain safety in this early phase of your recovery.
You are coming to terms with information that either validates your suspicions or has taken you totally by surprise. It has shaken the foundation of your relationship, spilling over into other areas of your life. This exercise is focused on the crisis at hand—the triggering event(s) or situation(s)—that altered the course of the relationship and has you reaching for help in new ways. The following questions guide you to explore the most immediate problems facing you by identifying those areas affected and recognizing the extensive effect addiction is having on your life. It will help you to prioritize and label those critical concerns.
RELATIONSHIP
How has your relationship been affected?
EXAMPLES
He calls me from work every hour saying he is just checking in when in the past he never called at all. I find myself confused. I am angry and rude toward him, and yet, sort of relieved.
She keeps telling me it is me she wants, not those other men, and she doesn’t need to go for help, she can handle it. I walk away from her when she tells me that, or I start to rage at her. Either way I feel sick.
EMOTIONAL
How has your emotional life been affected?
EXAMPLES
I am crying all of the time. I cry at work, in the car, watching TV, in bed. I can’t seem to stop.
I’m a walking zombie. I can’t concentrate. I can’t listen. Then I suddenly burst into tears. This all happens while I am out shopping, taking the kids to school, or at the health club. I am a mess.
SOCIAL
How has your social life been affected?
EXAMPLES
He doesn’t want to go do anything, and I don’t want to stay at home with him.
Our social life has not changed, but I realize how living this lie is such a farce with our so-called friends not knowing. We pretend all is okay, and I spend my whole time being quietly angry. People ask me what is wrong, but I am too ashamed to say anything and my wife acts like everything is fine.
SEXUAL
How has your sexual relationship been impacted?
EXAMPLES
Actually, per the therapist’s suggestion, we aren’t having sex for a while. And that makes it easier.
I find myself obsessing about what he has done while we are being sexual.
PARENTAL
How has the parenting of your children been affected?
EXAMPLES
I find myself distracted and not listening to my kids. They are reacting to us by being more whiny and needy. My young one has started to wet the bed again.