Intimate Treason. Claudia Black
DISCOUNTING YOUR PERCEPTIONS
In addition to warning signs, you may have overheard or seen something that caused you to be suspicious.
EXAMPLE
Ten years ago I found list of phone numbers in my husband’s wallet. I called the people and either didn’t reach them or they hung up on me. I went to my husband and told him I knew he was seeing other women and here was the list of names. He told me he loved me, that it wasn’t what I thought it was. He acted so outraged that I would ever doubt him and flatly denied he lied or would ever lie to me.
EXAMPLES
I told myself that was stupid thinking and wondered what was wrong with me; he wouldn’t do that.
I told myself I was just a jealous type.
I told myself I had to think only positive and loving thoughts.
I told myself he wouldn’t hurt me or the kids.
Sex addicts are masters of deception. They need this to support and maintain the behaviors not only to keep you from knowing, but also to avoid facing the truth about themselves. Whether deception is done through manipulating you with charm, bullying, or persuasion, it is also driven by a need to deflect you from the truth of what they are doing. Considering the deception being kept from you, it is understandable that you allowed behaviors and explanations by your partner to sway you against your better judgment and intuition.
Did you allow your suspicions to be changed or swayed by the addict? Explain.
THAT WHICH HURTS THE MOST
Some aspects of what you learned he or she did are more traumatizing and painful than others.
EXAMPLES
His having sex with men. This was, and still is, the hardest part for me.
When I discovered my husband had been having sex with other women I thought I would die. But when I learned one of the women was my boss that was devastating to me. We eventually divorced because the damage from that personal relationship was too great, and I knew I could never trust him again.
She had an affair with our son’s fifth grade soccer coach. That was bad enough, but then she got pregnant by him. It has brought such embarrassment and shame to our family.
For some of you, it is the blatant lying when you confronted him or her or the loss of trust that is most hurtful. Recognizing that all of it is painful, identify that which hurts the most. Of all that you learned, what do you believe will be the hardest to overcome and why?
By taking the time to answer these questions, you may feel more exposed and find you are flooded with memories that cause you to question everything about your past with your partner. Be patient and recognize that this is a response to the trauma of betrayal. Writing down your story clarifies your journey and further underscores the wrongs done to you. It also points out how you discounted, ignored, and/or minimized suspicions or doubts. Reasons for why you may have done this, although identified here, will be further explored later in the book.
There is no good time to be confronted with something of this magnitude, but we have worked with many betrayed partners, who, when faced with this deception, found they could—one day at a time—find the necessary strength and fortitude to face what was in front of them. The fact that you are reading this book demonstrates a desire to move out of the pain you are experiencing, even if it means unearthing buried or forgotten memories from the past. This is a sign of courage.
Grappling with the Language of Sex Addiction
Here is an opportunity to reflect on the language of sexual addiction and its impact on you. The words pertaining to addiction can be confusing, possibly offensive or frightening, or they may immediately offer something that makes sense and provides clarity. It is important to explore these meanings for yourself.