Intimate Treason. Claudia Black
that your emotions will overcome you or compel you to behave in ways you may later regret. At such a vulnerable time, reacting to how you feel can often have risks to you or others since it’s created from an impulse and a desire to eradicate the pain you are experiencing.
EXAMPLES
The day after confronting my boyfriend about an affair I discovered he was having, and his agreeing to see a counselor with me, I called him at work and he’s not where he said he would be. I get in the car and check out every hotel I can locate within a fifteen mile radius. It took me three hours. I get home and there he is; he had been in a car accident. Because of the mental frenzy I was in, I totally forgot that I needed to be at school for an appointment regarding my daughter. He was apologetic, but it was clearly a reaction to what I’d just learned that drove the frenzy. I felt the only way to quell my fear was to track him down.
I am just consumed with the details of what I have learned and I wanted everyone to know what a b*@#%$^ he is. I sent out emails to everyone on my Facebook and Twitter accounts telling them in detail what I had just learned. I left nothing out.
A week after I am confronted with my wife’s behavior, I am on a work trip, and this woman flirts with me and makes it clear she has an interest in me, so I thought “my wife has been doing this for years, it’s my turn.” So I did.
Having fantasies of revenge is absolutely normal; acting on them is not. Wishing that something, anything would take away your pain is understandable. Looking for immediate relief is not. Acting on revenge fantasies in the moment feels so right, and the behavior feels justified and rewarding. Your mind blocks out all other thoughts, your vision becomes narrow, and you forget everything else you know. When you move into a fight response, your body begins to respond by readying you for action through the increase of cortisol, adrenaline, and noradrenalin in the blood stream. This primitive response serves to help you defend against threat, but it also reduces capacity for rational thought, preventing you from anticipating what the consequences of your actions will be. Indulging in revenge thinking gives you a sense of power and control along with the sensation of feeling high, but only temporarily. While some people overreact, others underreact and move into a freeze response.
EXAMPLES
Since I have been aware, actually since I have had suspicions, I just cry. I can’t seem to stop. I cry and then sleep. Cry and sleep. I am not good for much at all.
I go about my day, pretending like everything is just fine, like I don’t really know any of this stuff.
It’s been three months since I learned of what he has been doing and I find myself isolating and eating, consuming large quantities of sugar. I simply go through the motions of the day.
The following is a list of reactions common to betrayed partners after learning about the addiction. In your journal, write down all the items you identify as symptoms of the stress you are encountering.
