Real Hope, True Freedom. Milton S Magness
of integrity and transparency. Sexual acting out takes place in secret. In chasing an increasingly illusive “high,” sex addicts descend into a world of secrets and hidden behaviors. They build a world filled with lies and deceit to cover their compulsive sexual behavior.
• Loss of or decrease in intimacy within a committed relationship. Partners of sex addicts often complain that there is little or no mutual sexual expression. Once sex addiction has been discovered, partners of sex addicts are genuinely perplexed, for their partner was not being sexual with them.
• Loss of time. As sex addiction progresses, more and more time is spent in pursuit of gratification through acting-out behaviors.
• Loss of self. Sex addicts are often filled with feelings of shame and regret. Promises are made to oneself that problem behaviors will not be repeated—followed by the repeated breaking of such promises. Feelings of self-loathing may predominate sex addicts’ thoughts. These feelings spill over into relationships with partners, children, coworkers, and friends.
• Loss of community. Isolation is one of the hallmarks of addiction. In order to get the time needed to engage in acting out, sex addicts gradually pull themselves away from people with whom they were once close. Often, they have no true friends.
• Loss of connection with one’s children. Sex addicts are often mentally and emotionally absent, even when they are physically present with family.
• Loss of interest in things that once brought joy and pleasure. Hobbies and other interests are common casualties of sex addiction. Many sex addicts complain that they are overworked and do not have time for the things they enjoyed in the past. In truth, the voracious appetite of their addiction has stolen their availability.
• Loss of serenity—individually and within the family system. Any semblance of internal peace or serenity is displaced by preoccupation, cravings, obsessive thoughts, and compulsive behaviors. Peacefulness in the family is replaced by quarreling or stressful silence. Tension is present whenever there is an active sex addict in the home. Children may think they are unloved because sex addicts seem to be on edge whenever they ask questions. Partners may feel marginalized because sex addicts are consumed with themselves and their own interests.
• Loss of reputation (sometimes). The consumption of pornography, while usually done in secret, often becomes public when discovered by others. Coworkers and wounded partners may take delight in telling others of the disturbing images discovered. Teachers, physicians, clergy, and other helping professionals lose credibility when their pornography viewing habits are made public. Some cannot continue in their chosen profession because of the damage to their reputation.
• Loss of jobs (sometimes). In an age where companies carefully monitor employees’ computer use, it is still surprising that many people continue to take the risk of viewing pornography at work on company computers. Even those who use their own electronic devices find that employers take exception to using company time to indulge in pornography.
• Loss of freedom (sometimes). There are people in prison today because their pornography use included child pornography. Possessing child pornography is against the law, and local, state, and federal law enforcement continues to engage in campaigns to protect minors from exploitation and abuse. Targeting those who use child pornography is one of the tactics used in this battle. As of this writing, California enacted a law (AB-1775) requiring therapists to report clients who report viewing even one image of child pornography. Other states are now considering similar legislation.
The unfortunate aspect about these laws is that people who seek the help of therapists to get free from sex addiction may place themselves in legal jeopardy if they discuss having viewed child pornography. To counter this, therapists who treat sex addiction are amending their informed consent agreements to warn clients that such admissions will result in a mandated report to the appropriate authorities.
• Loss of life (sometimes). As losses mount, depression grows. Some sex addicts become acutely desperate as the consequences of sex addiction mount and their world crumbles. Suicide may seem like a way out, and some people take their own lives. If you ever feel that the solution is to end your life, reach out to a therapist, call 911, or contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you are outside the United States, go to www.iasp.info or www.befrienders.org.
Trying to draw a distinction between sex addiction and “only” being addicted to pornography is another form of denial—a futile attempt to convince oneself and others that the addiction is manageable and benign. Sex addiction is a monster that wants to consume everything that is of true value.
Can pornography cause erectile dysfunction (ED)?
While there are no scholarly studies or definitive research to indicate this, the experience of many sex addicts is that there is indeed a link between their erectile difficulties and their consumption of pornography. These individuals report that while they are able to get an erection and masturbate while looking at pornography, they cannot get an erection with their partner. These reports come from young men as well as older men.
An increasing number of therapists and physicians report that their patients suffer from erectile dysfunction with no identifiable medical reason for it. So far, there are no studies that can prove that pornography causes erectile dysfunction. But we do know that 30 percent of men eighteen to thirty years of age complain of erectile dysfunction.26 While there may be a lack of empirical data that proves pornography can cause erectile dysfunction, there are numerous online forums where young men openly discuss their pornography use and the difficulty they have being able to be sexual with another person.
Those who suffer from erectile dysfunction will want to seek out the help of a urologist to rule out any physical/medical problems. In the absence of research that verifies a link between pornography and ED, we are left with the experiences of many sex addicts who report a return to normal erectile function after getting into recovery and stopping all pornography use.
Can pornography harm my marriage?
Many partners have told me (Milton) that they feel their husbands are being unfaithful by looking at pornography. This is difficult for many men to comprehend because they feel that, as long as real people are not involved, they are not being unfaithful. During disclosures, it often comes out that men whose acting out is confined to pornography use and compulsive masturbation are having very little sex with their wives.
These women are frequently shocked to find out that there was a lot of sex going on—selfish, self-satisfying sex—that doesn’t involve them.
As this manuscript was being prepared to go to press, professors Samuel Perry and Cyrus Schleifer from the University of Oklahoma, presented the results of a longitudinal study on the effects of pornography on divorce, to the American Sociological Association. Their research sought to learn whether those who began using pornography during the study period experienced any difference in divorce rate compared to those who did not use pornography. They found that, “Beginning pornography use between survey waves nearly doubled one’s likelihood of being divorced by the next survey period, from 6 percent to 11 percent.”27
Contrary to how many people rationalize their use of pornography, it is not victimless. Although some of the women and men portrayed in pornographic pictures or videos participate voluntarily and profit from it, many who participate in the porn industry are looking for a way out of their problems and are desperate enough to subject themselves to degrading circumstances. They may be addicted to drugs and need money to feed their addiction. Some live in parts of the world where human life is cheap and they can never hope to make more than a few dollars a day. The promise of what may be more money than they have ever seen to participate in pornography can be a powerful lure.