Real Hope, True Freedom. Milton S Magness
in maintaining healthy thoughts or does it exacerbate problem thinking—as characterized in the twelve-step phrase, “stinking thinking”? Has masturbation led to greater sexual intimacy with your spouse or caused you to isolate more?
Occasionally, chronic masturbation leads to physical problems, such as premature ejaculation (PE). In such cases, simply discontinuing masturbation may not be enough to correct PE. There are numerous approaches that may help PE, including applying a small amount of benzocaine or other topical anesthetic to the glans of the penis.
It’s important to have your condition evaluated by a urologist to rule out any medical problems and learn about medical options, including taking certain medications used for treating depression (like SSRIs, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) that have the side effect of inhibiting sexual arousal. A next step would be to see a sex therapist knowledgeable about sex addiction. Sex therapists can suggest other options that may be helpful in treating PE.
In recovery from sex addiction, when is masturbation considered a relapse?
Sex addicts in recovery must decide what behaviors are problematic for them. There are twelve-step fellowships (like Sexaholics Anonymous) that strictly define any sex outside of a marriage, including masturbation, as a breach of sobriety. Other fellowships encourage each sex addict to define sobriety for himself.
There are advantages and potential pitfalls to each approach. There is structure and a degree of comfort in having the fellowship or group determine what is healthy and what is not, including what constitutes a relapse. Sometimes the members of these fellowships adopt positions that closely parallel religious teachings familiar to them. As a result, they perpetuate a taboo or “thou shalt not” approach to some forms of sexuality that made these activities more attractive in the first place and may have been a factor in the development of sex addiction for some.
Critics of twelve-step fellowships that give each member the responsibility to determine for himself or herself what is healthy or unhealthy, and in turn what constitutes sobriety, rightly point out the potential to use such personal definitions to avoid accountability.
Ultimately, each person has to take a candid look at masturbation and the extent to which it enhances or hinders his recovery. Regardless of what twelve-step fellowship one attends, each recovering person has to decide for himself or herself how recovery will be approached.
When it comes to sex addiction, questions concerning same-sex acting-out behaviors are common.
I just found out my husband has been having sex with men. I am more devastated by this than by learning he’s had sex with many female prostitutes. How can I compete with a man? Does this mean my husband is gay?
It sounds as though your husband’s sexual behavior has been focused on heterosexual acting out until recently. It is entirely possible that rather than being gay your husband has continued pushing the boundaries of his acting out trying to achieve the same neurochemical high he experienced in the past but can no longer get from his old behaviors. Some heterosexual men progress to sex with other men seeking avenues of acting out that are novel or are more “forbidden” to heighten the rush they get.
With substance addiction, through the continuing use of alcohol and other drugs, addicts develop a tolerance so that over time an ever-increasing amount of the drug is needed to produce the same neurochemical high. Similarly, sex addicts have to continually ramp up the intensity of their acting out in order to get the high they seek. For example, sex addicts who concentrate on pornography may start out with porn that primarily depicts nudity and the suggestion of sexual behavior. This may progress to harder core pornography that includes actual and varied sex acts, and then to pornography that graphically illustrates various fetishes. A sex addict may gravitate toward images that once disgusted him in order to produce the desired level of sexual excitement.
Occasionally, I hear women express relief in finding out that their husbands were acting out with men. Regardless of whether a spouse sees same-sex acting out as more or less harmful to the relationship, it is important for couples in this circumstance to get help from a sex addiction therapist to work through the complicated issues involved.29
Does sex addiction lead to homosexuality?
There are no studies to even suggest that this could be true.
Does past sexual abuse impact gender preference in sex addiction?
Sex addicts who were sexually abused as children may reenact the trauma they experienced through their sexual acting out. Those abused by someone of the same sex may reenact those sexual experiences later in life, and yet not have a physical attraction to people of the same sex.
Trauma reenactment occurs subconsciously. Sometimes trauma victims seek to repeat their exact trauma. It is crucial that people caught up in reenacting their traumatic experiences get help from a skilled therapist to work through these repetitive compulsions.
My husband condemns inter-racial relationships, same-sex relationships, and viewing child pornography. Now I find out these are his acting-out behaviors. Can you explain this contradiction?
It sounds like your husband is torn between beliefs he learned early in life and attractions he has developed. As noted earlier, when sex addiction progresses addicts pursue forms of sexual acting out that are different or more “forbidden” to heighten the high they get. It’s also helpful to understand that one of the ways people try to deflect attention from their own behavior is to loudly condemn the same behavior in others. Additionally, your husband may think that his condemnation of these behaviors will help him to stop them.
If indeed your husband views child pornography, it is imperative that this behavior stops immediately. If he is in possession of child pornography, even a single image or single video, he runs the risk of being arrested and prosecuted.
Some people may confuse the term sex addict with sex offender. This unfortunate misperception only adds to the stigma surrounding sex addiction and prevents many people from facing their addiction. Sex offenders are individuals who have committed actual crimes, such as involvement with (including viewing) child pornography, sexual behavior with minors, sexual assault/rape, or incest. However, sex addiction is very different from sexual offending and the vast majority of sex addicts do not ever commit a sexual offense. Of course, there are occasional examples of sex addicts who have committed sexual offenses. Moreover, most sex offenders do not meet the clinical criteria for sex addiction. Rather, sex offenders tend to have deep-seated mental disorders that require specialized treatment and continual monitoring throughout life.
My husband is a sex addict and now I am worried he may harm my teenage daughter. Is she at risk?
Although there is no correlation between sex addiction and sexual offending, in the abstract, it is impossible to know whether she is at risk or not. Is she a biological daughter or a step-daughter? Statistically speaking, it is less likely for a father to perpetrate on a biological daughter. However, since you raise the question of risk, have you noticed any specific behavior on the part of your husband or your daughter that makes you concerned?
Your job as a parent is to protect your children from harm. If your concern continues, you may want to consult with a professional. Healthy boundaries between your daughter and your husband are important, including appropriate dress and avoiding any sexual talk or jokes.
The progression of sex addiction is fueled by factors that include denial and self-deception, minimization, terminal uniqueness, and procrastination.
Sex addicts lie—a lot. They lie to their spouses. They lie to their other family members. They lie to their friends. Often,