Welcoming a New Brother or Sister Through Adoption. Arleta James
moral development also impacts adoptive family interactions. Moral development is the capacity to control one’s own behavior internally (Santrock 1995). We can all most likely recall a childhood situation in which our peers wanted us to do something that would definitely lead to parental disapproval and consequences. Instantly, the following thought popped into our heads: “My mother would kill me if I did that!” Our moral system went into effect and we were able to make a decision about how to best handle the situation. Mom and Dad were with us—internally. Everywhere we went and in all situations, their voices resonated as a guide to our conduct.
Moral development is a process that involves acquiring and assimilating the rules about what people should do in their interactions with other people. The process requires reasoning skills and the ability to feel a wide range of emotions—empathy, sympathy, anxiety, admiration, anger, outrage, shame, and guilt. When models who behave morally are provided, children are likely to adopt their actions (Santrock 1995). Many adoptees lacked moral models while in residence with their birth families or in institutional settings. They witnessed violation after violation of principled behavior while experiencing and witnessing abuse, neglect, and drug use. Therefore, they enter the adoptive family with a system of morals and values in direct contrast to that of the parents, brothers, and sisters.
Moral development consists of three stages. In pre-conventional reasoning, moral thinking is based on rewards and self-interest. What is right is what feels good and what is rewarding. Conventional reasoning sees children adopting their parents’ moral standards, seeking to be thought of by their parents as a “good girl or boy.” Post-conventional reasoning is the highest stage at which the person recognizes alternative moral courses, explores the options, and then decides on a personal moral code (Santrock 1995). Adoptive parents may find that the child they adopt displays pre-conventional reasoning well into adolescence or beyond. They may not internalize the parent’s moral standards—or at least not quickly.
Grant, age 16, removed a chocolate cream pie from the refrigerator and sat down at the kitchen table. He ate almost the entire dessert. Made earlier for the church bake sale, the pie was not for consumption by the family. This had been made quite clear by Sarah, Grant’s mother. Sarah was livid when she came into the kitchen. Grant, adopted by Sarah and her husband at age three, violated rules and boundaries daily. If he wanted to use a tool, he simply took it, never returning it. If he wanted money, he took it from Sarah’s purse. If he wanted his brother’s stereo, he took it. If he wanted his sister’s CD player, he took it. The list could go on and on. Locks had not worked; he would find ways to remove them. Door alarms offered no solution either; he dismantled them.
The end result of Grant’s lack of morals was a family in emotional turmoil. On the one hand, each family member was angry with Grant for ravaging through their personal possessions for years. On the other hand, each had concerns for his future. If he did not stop this behavior, what kind of a life would he have? Would he be able to work? Would he go to jail?
Complex trauma: Special focus on orphanage life
Institutional settings have a “culture,” as do families. Institutionalized children spend a bulk of time with other children. They reside in a group environment wherein interaction with peers is dominant. The child adopted internationally has learned about group living, not about family life. Children learn this group philosophy at very early ages. Certainly, it is not uncommon to see children adopted at 12 months old and up (and in some cases younger) operating in a family as if the parents only exist to provide food, clothing, and toys. These children seek little adult interaction beyond that which is essential. In essence, the child feels as if he has been moved to a different orphanage. Your family may have more food, better-quality food, a softer bed, nicer clothing, and an abundance of toys, yet the adults are looked at as caregivers rather than parents. Sibling relationships are skewed as well. In some cases, the adoptee attempts to use siblings to meet his needs. The adoptee is more comfortable with children. It is the sibling who approaches the parents for snacks, drinks, new toys, and privileges on behalf of the adoptee. In other instances, the adoptee may avoid forming relationships with siblings if he is uncertain as to whether or not the siblings will remain in the family. After all, he thinks, many orphanage friends left the orphanage to be adopted, to move to another orphanage, or because they were ill.
This situation may be compounded by the use of professional child care soon after the adoptee has arrived in his new family. A room full of children and staff resembles an orphanage to the formerly institutionalized child. Depending on the number of hours the child is in a child care program, the child’s integration into the family may be inhibited.
Table 2.2 Orphanage culture vs. family culture
| Orphanage culture | Family culture |
| Survival/self-reliancePoverty, governmental policies, lack of staff education, lack of medical care, etc. may cause an atmosphere in which the meeting of physical needs prevails. Meeting psychological needs not a priority. | Reciprocity/trustParents desire to have and raise a child within an environment of caring and sharing. This meets the child’s physical and psychological needs. |
| UncertaintyCaregivers may not provide nurturing. They change shifts, leave to pursue other employment, or may be a source of abuse. Peers leave as a result of adoption, a move to a different orphanage, illness, or death. The child learns that people go away. “Those who should provide me affection do not. Those who should protect me do not always do so.”Often, there is little or no focus on the child’s future due to the demands of meeting the day-to-day basic needs. The child internalizes a one-day-at-a-time attitude as tomorrow everything may be different. | PredictabilityParents instill trust and safety by consistently meeting the child’s needs. The child learns that parents behave in predictable ways. “I can rely on my parents.” The child transfers this knowledge to other spheres of life such as, “I can rely on my teacher.”There is emphasis on the child’s future. Parents provide education and experiences essential to carry out career goals, marriage, family life, friendships, etc. The child internalizes the family’s values. The child views investment in the future as valuable and worthwhile. |
| RoutineOrphanages utilize a regimented routine to provide for children. Children eat on a schedule, go to the bathroom on a schedule, sleep on a schedule, and so on. This schedule is based on a timeline created by the staff. The child may not learn to regulate bodily functions. The child does not learn to express his needs. The child may determine that he meets his own needs. For example, “I hold my own bottle. I provide my own food.” | Internal regulationFamilies also utilize routines to carry out daily tasks. However, the routines are more flexible and take into account individual needs. For example, an infant is fed as the infant expresses a cry of hunger. An older child may be provided three meals per day and snacks on request. The family accommodates its members, rather than the members totally accommodating the routine. The child learns many valuable life skills from this: reliance on parents, delaying gratification if parents are involved in meeting the needs of another family member, internal regulation of bodily functions, interdependence, cooperation, etc. |
Complex trauma: Special focus on sexual abuse
Sexual abuse is a difficult topic to think about. Speaking with kids about sexual matters is hard too. Many youngsters adopted via the child welfare system will arrive after suffering the atrocity of sexual abuse as well. Clinical experience with boys and girls adopted from institutional settings makes clear that such settings are not immune to sexual abuse. The arrival of a sexualized child is shocking.
Five-year-old Jeffrey arrived from Bolivia. Present in the family were two parents and their two children by birth, ages ten and 12. Motivated to adopt by a desire to provide a child a loving home, the family was surprised by Jeffrey’s perpetual stealing, hoarding of food, and destruction of household items. However, the family was devastated when Jeffrey sneaked into their female birth child’s bedroom during the middle of the night and attempted to “get on top of her.” In therapy, Jeffrey talked of the chronic sexual activity between children in the orphanage. The institutionalized children, lacking adult nurture, utilized sexual gratification as a means to offset their fears and loneliness.
Julie