Welcoming a New Brother or Sister Through Adoption. Arleta James
common method of preparing brothers and sisters for the arrival of an adopted sibling is to emphasize that the child is unfortunate and needs parents and a permanent home. Brothers- and sisters-to-be are admonished to make the adoptee feel at home and to help atone for the past deprivations experienced by the newcomer (Poland and Groze 1993; Ward and Lewko 1988).
Such post-adoption sentiments continue when parents encourage the resident children, “Put yourself in his place—he hasn’t had what you have had,” “We need to be more understanding,” “We need to be more sensitive to how she feels.” Such statements cause birth and/or previously adopted children to believe that they must maintain a positive attitude about the adoptive child and thus the experience overall. The typically developing children often believe a positive attitude is expected of them. Therefore, resident children keep questions and concerns to themselves.
Expectations and reality often clash
Subsequent content will demonstrate that children arriving from institutional care and/or after abuse, neglect, and abandonment are not always capable of being good playmates, nor do they always readily accept help with their homework. They may have a preference for attempting to manage their own needs rather than seeking assistance from a parent or sibling. Their traumatic pre-placement experiences have left them with fragmented development and as such their actual skills are in discord with their chronological ages.
The following statements made by typically developing children, ages six to 15, will offer an indication of what may happen when expectations do not match with reality. These sentiments were expressed in interviews I conducted with resident children several years after an adoption had taken place in their family.
“I expected children who were like my sister and me. I thought I could teach them the fun things I did when I was younger, like dolls, sidewalk chalk, and sewing. At first, there was a nice period. And then they basically started terrorizing the house—running around, breaking things, fighting. So it turned into a mess. I expected a lot different from what we got.”
“Well, I wasn’t really prepared for the big change. I had two sisters and a brother before he came. We got along and played a lot. I thought he would be the same. I didn’t think that he would be the way that he was. I thought he was going to be like us, more civilized.”
“I wanted a sister who would like to play games and use her imagination with me. I thought it would be pretty fun having her here. Her behavior has not been very good. We have to do a lot more work helping her than we used to. My dad has more gray hair now. Our house isn’t as much fun because she takes up most of our time. It kinda upsets me. I thought we were going to get a baby. It does make me happy that I can see what she does that’s wrong so I can keep from doing that myself.”
“He was staying with one of our friends. I met him for like two minutes at a fair. I figured it wouldn’t matter; just someone to hang around the house and play with and stuff. I was wrong. I am eight months older and I expected to just have another brother to hang out with. He’s a pain. He isn’t as bad as he used to be, but he’s still so annoying.”
Chapter summary
• Before the adoption, birth and/or previously adopted children develop positive expectations about the sibling joining the family. They look forward to passing on knowledge, playing, and sharing chores. Parents and professionals—unknowingly—contribute to these positive, enthusiastic expectations.
• Parents frequently envision a family comprised of children engaged in playful, enjoyable relations. Yet the adoptee who has previously been neglected, abandoned, and/or abused may arrive with a host of issues. Family members may struggle to maintain the peace, joy, and harmony that satiated the family prior to the adoption. Time will be needed to restore the emotional climate of the home.
• Birth order, ascribed roles, psychological fit, and shared history contribute to how quickly or gradually the post-adoption adjustment of typical and traumatized siblings may occur.
• Expectations and reality clash post-adoption. Yet families armed with knowledge can rebuild. Brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, and the adoptee will adjust their expectations. Each family member will begin to accept the other’s unique qualities and strengths as well as their warts and blemishes! Kids and parents will learn to “fit” with one another.
2
“My New Brother or Sister Experienced Trauma”
What Does that Mean?
Complex trauma: “Think younger”
Many folks will adopt a child who has suffered complex trauma—multiple traumas that are simultaneous or occurring in a sequence, are chronic, and begin early in childhood (Cook et al. 2003). The institutionalized child arrives after inadequate care-giving—neglect—due to the modest caregiver-to-infant ratio found in orphanage settings. This son or daughter has also suffered abandonment, the move from homeland, loss of culture, loss of orphanage friends, and possible loss of siblings. There may be the trauma of pre-natal drug/alcohol exposure. Child welfare and infant adoptees undergo similar experiences. Sadly, there will be those children who join their families after the traumas of emotional abuse, physical abuse, and/or sexual abuse.
Complex trauma interrupts development. The newly chosen child presents as “younger” than his or her chronological age. Let’s take a look at this concept of “social and emotional age” as opposed to “chronological age.” It is really a key matter when blending siblings that have arrived in the family along different avenues—birth and adoption.
The Vineland Adaptive Behavior Scales offers one way to test the actual age at which a child is functioning—in four main areas—in comparison to the child’s chronological age:
Table 2.1 The Vineland Adaptive Behavior Scales
| Communication domain | Daily living skills domain |
| ReceptiveHow the individual listens and pays attention, and what he or she understands.ExpressiveWhat the individual says, how he or she uses words in a sentences to gather and provide information.WrittenWhat the individual understands about how letters make words, and what he or she reads and writes. | PersonalHow the individual eats, dresses, and practices personal hygiene.DomesticWhat household tasks the individual performs.CommunityHow the individual uses time, money, the telephone, the computer, and job skills. |
| Socialization domain | Motor skills domain |
| Interpersonal relationshipsHow the individual acts with others.Play and leisure timeHow the individual plays and uses leisure time.Coping skillsHow the individual demonstrates responsibility and sensitivity to others. | GrossHow the individual uses arms and legs for movement and coordination.FineHow the individual uses hands and fingers to manipulate objects. |
Source: Sparrow, Cicchetti, and Balla 2005
On the following pages are two sets of Vineland scores. We can see the impact of trauma on these children’s development in a very simple, concise way. Subsequently, we will discuss the most pertinent ways these types of developmental delays affect sibling relationships when these kids with histories of complex trauma are introduced to age-appropriate brothers and sisters.
Robert
Robert was adopted from Eastern Europe when he was six months old. His complex trauma included abandonment, pre-natal alcohol exposure, and neglect.
Robert’s current chronological age is 11 years, one month. Robert’s actual abilities are:
| CommunicationReceptiveExpressiveWritten | 1 year, 9 months5 years, 11 months9 years, 2 months |
| Daily living skillsPersonalDomesticCommunity | 5 years, 11 month7 years, 7 months8 years, 11 months |
| SocializationInterpersonal relationshipsPlay and leisure timeCoping skills | 1 year, 11 months3 years, 2 months2 year, 3 months |
| Motor |