Welcoming a New Brother or Sister Through Adoption. Arleta James
a “fool,” “the bad seed,” or the “black sheep” can become a yoke around a son or daughter’s neck; it may begin innocently, but once set in motion it remains fixed and even grows with terrible consequences for a lifetime (Bank and Kahn 1997).
Referring back to Patty, her moves were the result of negative behaviors. Foster family after foster family refused to deal with Patty’s aggression, lying, and bed-wetting. Patty’s ascribed role was that she was “bad” and “difficult.” Her ascribed role caused her to act poorly. She defined herself as “too bad for anyone to keep.” The worse she acted, the more she moved. And the more she said to herself, “See I am ‘bad!’” It was a six-year endeavor to assist Patty to see herself in a more positive light.
The roles learned in a child’s family of origin lend themselves to creating expectations of the roles parents believe the adopted child will assume. As Patty makes clear, adopted children may have little experience with roles or they may have taken on a role that is not beneficial to themselves or the adoptive family.
Time as an expectation
One year seems to be a marker frequently put forth as an adjustment period. It seems that there is a belief that in about a year the newly adopted child will be established in the adoptive family and the adoptive family will be settled and moving forward. Yet, as we’ll learn later in this book, the child’s traumatic past may take years to overcome. Two other factors that may further exacerbate the time it will take to integrate a child into an adoptive family are psychological fit and shared history.
Psychological fit
Psychological fit relates to the interplay between parental experiences, expectations, desires, and wishes and the child’s capabilities and performance (Trout 1986). Psychological fit is also applicable to the brothers and sisters in the family built by adoption. Let’s exemplify this concept:
Peggy and Cameron had four children by birth, ranging in age from seven to 14. Their children were all healthy, excelled academically, and had terrific musical and artistic talents. Evenings were spent singing and playing the piano, flute, trombone, and cello. The family was fortunate financially. They decided to share their blessings by adopting an orphan. Eight-year-old Owen joined the family from Columbia. Owen struggled academically. He preferred baseball, soccer, and swimming to reading and math. He also had no interest in singing or playing an instrument. His lack of “fit” affected everyone in the family.
Peggy stated, “We simply cannot relate to him. He is not like us at all. We certainly expected that he would choose to do well in school. We thought that he would accept our interests as his own. We have attended his sporting events and have disliked every moment spent as spectators.”
Peggy and Cameron ultimately made the decision to dissolve their adoption of Owen. They felt that trying to blend Owen into their family was comparable to putting a round peg into a square hole—Owen would never “fit.” A new family was located for Owen. This family enthusiastically enjoys watching Owen score home runs and goals.
As a second example:
Donna is the youngest of three female adolescent birth children. Several years ago, her family adopted Maggie, currently age nine. Maggie is clumsy. It seems that every time she enters a room she breaks something. She has little knowledge of personal boundaries. She enters Donna’s bedroom without knocking. If she sees something she likes, she takes it. She constantly interrupts conversations. She is “busy”—she walks or runs around the house constantly. Sitting still is difficult for Maggie.
Donna expected a sister who would enjoy dressing up, painting her nails, and having her hair styled. These were all things she enjoyed with her birth sisters. Maggie would have none of this. Maggie preferred toy trains and cars. She liked noisy toys that she could move around the house. Donna and her sisters were quite compliant children. They wanted to please their parents. Maggie, on the other hand, wanted to do things her way. Donna couldn’t comprehend this type of disobedience. Daily conflict erupted due to Maggie’s insolence. Donna wrote the following:
“I found it increasingly hard as the years went on to bond with Maggie. I felt most of my family’s arguments and problems were her fault. I resented her a lot for the problems that began to arise in my family, especially the constant arguments. It became really hard for me to be nice to her and even to think about getting close to her. I was mean to her. I yelled at her for not doing anything. I hated to be in the same room with her. I blamed everything on her.
“I have had to work hard to overcome my feelings of resentment towards her. I no longer get irritated by her as much or as quick. I try to do fun things with her that I know she will like and that will be fun for her. When I look back at how mean I used to be to her, I feel terrible about it. I never want to act that way towards her again. It made me sad to think how much I could have been hurting her feelings and her views about herself. I now know she isn’t the whole reason my family gets into arguments. I am able to handle being around her and playing with her without getting frustrated, angry, or annoyed by her. I was able to become closer to her and know she was going to be my sister forever if I liked it or not. I would have to make it work without hurting her or myself.”
Donna’s poignant account helps us understand the personal struggle that she underwent in order to attain a level of “fit” with her sister. Maggie did not live up to Donna’s expectations or experience of a sister. Maggie entered the family with her own unique interests, abilities, temperament, strengths, weaknesses, values, and attributes. Initially, Donna focused on all of the things Maggie didn’t have. Ultimately, Donna realized that there were some areas the two could share. She went about connecting—“fitting”—with Maggie in those areas. At present, Donna and Maggie can sometimes be found laughing together!
“I knew it was a mistake. I mean you have to figure we already had kids. We had two girls and two boys. We didn’t need another person and we didn’t have room for another person. You’re dealing with a person whose ways are different. You’re dealing with a teenager who’s basically set in their ways. They have different values to you and your family. So you’re trying to put them in a new system and they’re used to doing what they want to do. I didn’t expect anything. I just didn’t want him to come. I didn’t care if he was going to be difficult or great. I had a brother and two sisters. What else do you need?”
Many adoptive families will have to follow Donna’s lead. Experiences, expectations, desires, and wishes will have to be tailored to “fit” with the unique characteristics of the adoptee. This will be a process for each member of the adoptive family—parents, the children already in the family, and the child about to move into the family.
Shared history
Almost all of us have had the experience of being the “new person.” For example, when you started your job, how long did it take to get to know your co-workers, the workplace dynamics, the formal and informal rules, where supplies were located, and so on? Learning all of this and assimilating into the workplace probably took time. Learning about a family and incorporating into a family will most likely take longer. The formation of relationships between parents, brothers, and sisters will occur gradually for the new arrival and over a long period of time—perhaps years.
Psychological fit is further complicated as the toddler or older adopted child is someone who is not initially a “true” sibling. He is placed into the sibling role but does not know the rules by which the other children (whether born into the family or adopted into it years before) have grown up (Ward and Lewko 1988). For that matter, he also does not know the family history, the likes and dislikes of family members, the inside jokes, the holiday traditions, birthdays, and so forth.
Parents and professionals alike must curb their expectations and their internal calendars for when change is expected. Having high expectations that must be achieved within a certain period of time and attempting to assimilate the child into the family within that time period may only lead to disappointment for all involved.
Parental and professional contributions to kids’ expectations
“I am supposed to have a positive attitude about my new sibling”
Parents