Welcoming a New Brother or Sister Through Adoption. Arleta James
a sibling into the family can be fun but also can be stressful. When you first meet your new brother or sister, you will probably feel very happy and good about helping a little child out. But, as they grow up and possibly turn out having attachment issues like my sister, it can get hard. I started feeling as if my life was never going to get back to normal again. It made me want to get rid of my new sister.”
Avoidant attachment
This child’s model of relationships is that parents or others are not all that useful in meeting needs. So there is no point in seeking assistance. Connecting is limited; this adoptee refrains from engaging in meaningful interactions. There is little willingness to explore the environment or to play. The desire—early in life—to have an emotional connection was so frustrating that this child learned to tune out in order to survive the rejecting, neglecting relationship. Family members of children with avoidant attachment commonly report:
“He never asks for any help.”
“He takes what he wants without asking.”
“He stares when he wants something. He won’t ask.”
“He never asks politely. It is always a demand. ‘I’m thirsty.’”
“He is always bored. He can never think of anything to do.”
“She doesn’t play.”
“We came home from our birth son’s band concert. He didn’t even act like he noticed we had been gone.”
“He can be alone in his room so long that we forget he is there.”
“As soon as someone starts talking, she glazes over.”
“He’s always where the family isn’t. If we’re watching a movie, he’s in his room. If we’re in the front yard cleaning up, he’s behind the house.”
“She wanders off when we are shopping or she walks way ahead of us.”
Ambivalent attachment
This attachment style has two subtypes. One is demonstrated by a child who is anxious or “clingy.” This child fears the parent may disappear at any moment. This child displays considerable distress when separated from parents, although she often isn’t comforted when the parent returns. In fact, the returning caregiver may be met with anger and a rejection of efforts to reconnect with the adoptee. The focus of this child is on the parent. She wants to dominate the parent’s time and attention. Parents of ambivalently attached children may arrive at therapy saying:
“I can barely go to the bathroom. She is at the door wondering if I am in there!”
“We try to go out with friends and he acts so ‘bad’ the babysitter or our other kids call. We have to return home.”
“She follows me throughout the house. If I turn around, I practically run into her.”
“She can’t sleep in her own bed at night. She has to get in bed with us, or we find her on the floor next to our bed.”
“He won’t go to sleep until my husband, who works second shift, gets home from work. He has to know we are both in the house before he will go to bed.”
“She can’t go to a sleepover.”
“She has to be with us at church. She won’t stay in the Sunday school class.”
“She interrupts when any of my other children try to talk with me.”
“If I am trying to help one of the other kids, he’ll create such a disturbance that I have to tend to him.”
A second type of ambivalent attachment is seen in the child who appears to “push” and “pull”—“I want you.” “I don’t want you.” These children had birth parents or caregivers who exhibited inconsistency in responding to his needs: sometimes they were unavailable or unresponsive; at other times they were intrusive. The caregiver misread the child’s signals. Thus, internally, this youngster is uncertain as to his own needs and emotional state. This is a child who may not soothe easily, even when Mom or Dad is providing exactly what is necessary to aid in calming him. A parent of this type of ambivalently attached child may state:
“She asks for help with her homework, and when I come to help her she tells me I am doing it wrong: ‘That isn’t what the teacher said.’”
“When I have bananas, he doesn’t want one. If I don’t have a banana, look out, there will be a huge fit.”
“Getting dressed for school is so difficult. We pick out an outfit and a few minutes later it isn’t right. He is screaming and shouting that he can’t possibly wear the red shirt! It is so hard to help my son and daughter get ready for school with all of his chaos.”
“She asks for a hug and when I give it to her, she pinches me or hugs so tight I have to ask her to let go because she is hurting me.”
“We have a great time making brownies, and then she won’t eat any with us.”
Disorganized attachment
Disorganized attachment is a mix of the attachment styles discussed above. These boys and girls lacked the ability to be soothed by their birth parents because these early caregivers were a source of fear or abuse. These children must cope with the loss of their birth parents on top of resolving the terrifying events that most likely led to the separation from the birth parents. Children with disorganized attachment have been found to be the most difficult later in life, with emotional, social, and cognitive impairments (Siegel 2001).
These parents report many of the themes as pointed out in the ambivalent and avoidant attachment descriptions. Yet these parents also report, “He can do something that just incenses me or his brother. There is a big fight. Then, five minutes later, he asks me what we are having for dinner. It’s like nothing happened! He can’t figure out why we are still angry!” Or: “When once of us is infuriated with him, he smiles. We all struggle to control ourselves!” Many abused children utilized smiling or hugging the past perpetrator as a defense against further abuse. They thought, “If my abuser is happy with me, maybe he won’t hit me today.” When triggered, this coping mechanism appears again in the adoptive family. These styles of attachment defy and defeat an overarching family goal—fun, happy family interactions, and close, loving family connections.
Separation from siblings further complicates attachment
Don, Betty, and Mary were removed from their birth parents early one morning. By evening, each was placed in a separate foster home. In one day they lost the only parents they had ever known as well as each other. Can you imagine losing your entire family in one day?
Sergei came to America at the age of nine. During his years in Russia, he moved through three orphanages. His older brothers continue to reside in institutional care in Russia.
Luis resided in an orphanage in Mexico for almost six years. He developed a close tie to another boy who was in the orphanage. He refers to this boy as his brother to this day. Luis has ongoing guilt regarding the fact that he now has a rich life full of food, toys, and family members while this brother remains in residence in grim conditions. Luis has a profound sense of sadness over the loss of this brother.
Pam resided with her three brothers in their birth home, and then the four siblings resided in a foster home for several years. Unfortunately, the foster mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. She decided not to proceed with her plans to adopt the children. The news of her medical condition and the need to move to a new home caused the children’s mental health to deteriorate. The end result was that all four children were placed separately. Pam, now age 11, has come to terms with the loss of her birth parents. She was able to process their acts of neglect, abuse, and abandonment and conclude that she is “better off” being adopted. However, the loss of her siblings is an ongoing struggle. She continues to create fantasies of the four children reuniting and living together again. This is not possible as two of her brothers were adopted, while the other aged out of foster care. This brother’s whereabouts are unknown.