Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton
Brian Six
PEOPLE, THE NORMAL PEOPLE, THE
UNITED STATES OF BEING A LION,
20,000 YEARS BC
NATBOFF
L
ong long timm go in Lamonic Bibber was
cavma days. Bigges cavma was Natboff.
1
‘ME THROW ROCK AT MITY WOOLY
MAMMOF!’ say Natboff. ‘HAHA! WOOLY
MAMMOF CRY LIKK BABY! NATBOFF BIG
AN STRONG! NATBOFF HARIES FATTES
CAVMA OF AL TIMM! NATBOFF BESTT!’
But liff always go rong. Wun day Natboff
walkig alonn wen com acros even bigge harier
cavma of al timm.
‘HOO YOU?’ say Natboff.
‘ME CHUNKA!’ say even bigge cavma.
‘NATBOFF HATE CHUNKA!’ say Natboff.
‘NATBOFF EAT CHUNKA!’ say Natboff.
Natboff try eat Chunka but Natboff no
gud at. Chunka leg to thik for Natboff teeth.
‘HAHA,’ say Chunka. ‘NATBOFF
PATHETI! CHUNKA BESST!
‘NATBOFF GOT CAV?’ say Chunka.
‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.
2
‘NATBOFF GOT WIFE?’ say Chunka.
‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.
‘WAT WIFE NAME?’ say Chunka.
‘WIFE NAME SALLY,’ say Natboff.
‘WEL, THIS CHUNKA LUKKY DAY,’
say Chunka. ‘NOW CHUNKA COM TO
NATBOFF CAV AN STEEL NATBOFF WIFE.’
O NO, thinnk Natboff. NATBOFF WISH
NATBOFF NO TELL CHUNKA ABOU CAV
AN WIFE.
‘HEY CHUNKA,’ say Natboff, crafty stile.
‘YOU KNO JUS NOW WEN NATBOFF
TELL YOU ABOU CAV AN WIFE CAL
SALLY? NATBOFF WAS ONLEH MAKK
JOKKE! THER NO CAV! THER NO SALLY!
JUS FUNNEH JOKKE!’
‘TO LATE,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA
CAN TEL THEY REAL. CHUNKA COMIG
3
TO CAV TO STEEL WIFE.’
O NO, thinnk Natboff. CHUNKA NOT
JUS FAT AN HARY. CHUNKA A CLEVA
FELLO INTO THE BARGEN.
4
Chunka go to Natboff cav an grab up
Sally.
‘HEY SALLY,’ say Chunka. ‘ME
CHUNKA. ME MUCH BETER AN FATTER
AN HARIER THAN NATBOFF. YOU COM
WIV CHUNKA NOW.’
‘IT TRUE,’ say Sally. ‘CHUNKA SO
BIG AN FAT AN HARY! SALLY NO
LOV NATBOFF NO MORE! SALLY LOV
CHUNKA NOW! SALLY AN CHUNKA IN
LOV!’
‘HA HA,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA
DONE IT AGEN!’
Chunka throw roks at Natboff an Sally
spit in Natboff har. Then Chunka an Sally run
way way off into foress to do baby cavmas.
Natboff ver sad. Natboff do cry.
Wolf com along an lick up Natboff tears
5
fro eyes.
‘WOLF BE NATBOFF FREND?’ say
Natboff.
Wolf nod.
‘WOLF BE NATBOFF WIFE?’ say
Natboff hopfuly.
Wolf laff an shak hed.
‘BUT WOLF BE NICE TO NATBOFF AT
LEEST?’ say Natboff.
Wolf nod.
‘MEBBE THINNGS NOT SO BAD
AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.
But at night Wolf eat Natboff!
Now Natboff in Wolf tummy.
‘THIS WORST DAY OF NATBOFF
LIFF,’ say Natboff. ‘WAT NATBOFF DO
NOW?’
Natboff com up wiv plan.
6
NATBOFF WAIT TIL WOLF NEED
TOILET IN BUSH, thinnk Natboff. THEN
NATBOFF COM OUT OF WOLF AGEN!
BETER THAN EVEH!
So Natboff wait al day wile Wolf run
round eatig stuf. Lateh on Wolf get belly
rumbles.
‘O NO,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NEED FIND
BUSH BEFOR TO LATE.’
HERE ME CHANSE, thinnk Natboff.