Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton
GIANT AND THE FLEA
W
ay, way back in the distant past,
Lamonic Bibber was just a few huts
and a warlock who lived on Boaster’s Hill,
turning hats into nightingales. Now, I know this
is going to surprise some of you but there was
a giant who lived in those days, and I bet you can’t guess his name, but it was Gavin.
Now, a lot of people, when they first hear
about Gavin the giant, like you are doing now – hearing about Gavin the giant for the first time,
I mean – a lot of people immediately want to
know all the details. They want to know how big
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his head was, for example. Or how big his hands
were. Or his torso, that’s quite a popular one. Which is fair enough, but I don’t think that’s the most amazing thing about Gavin the giant,
and I’m not just saying that because I don’t know the answers to all those other questions. I think the most important thing is how tall he
was overall. I mean, at the end of the day, that is what is so impressive about giants, isn’t it? How tall they are overall. So sit back and strap yourselves in and prepare to be amazed as I tell you how tall Gavin the giant truly was.
Right. Let’s say that a normal man is about,
I don’t know, about as tall as – let’s just say,
for example, that a normal man is about as tall as a fencepost. (I know some men are slightly shorter than a fencepost, and some other men are slightly taller than a fencepost but let’s just
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say, on average, that one man is about as tall
as one fencepost.) So we can write down the
following equation:
ONE MAN = ONE FENCEPOST
Now, of course, the question is this: How
tall was Gavin the giant? And we can write
down this question as the following equation:
GAVIN THE GIANT = ???
So. Given that a normal man is about as tall
as a fencepost, and given that we don’t know
how tall Gavin the giant was, it is clear that
Gavin the giant was quite a mysterious sort of a
character. OK, so we – OK, I tell you what, this
has all been a bit confusing what with all these
equations and things, let’s start again.
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THE
MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA
O
nce upon a time there lived a giant called
Gavin and one day he saw a flea.
THE END
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Bibbering Through The Ages
The Stone Table
The Stone Table that stands on the outskirts of Lamonic Bibber is a mysterious and powerful object of ancient times. Recent tests have revealed that it may be much older than previously thought, perhaps dating as far back as 400 years BC (Before Chairs). Although no one knows exactly what it was used for,
it was probably built by the so-called ‘Oakic people’, a group of nature-worshipping weirdies who spent their time dancing
around hillsides, dressed as acorns and singing songs about dead badgers. Today the Oakic people have mostly been forgotten, although some of their rites and ceremonies have survived into the modern age, such as the Festival of the Leaves, which still takes place every autumn, and the Eurovision Song Contest,
which falls around May. (Thankfully, a number of their other ceremonies, such as the Month of Human Sacrifices, the Other Month of Human Sacrifices, and the notorious ‘Nudey Day’, have died out naturally over time.)
Once Upon a Time . . .
Princess
Snowflake
and the
Gypsy King
O
nce upon a time, long ago in the Age of Fairy
Tales, when the whole wide world was sugar
and spice and apples and mice and snow and ice
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and moonbeams, there lived in Lamonic Bibber a princess called Princess Snowflake. And never was there a name more suited to a person, because for a start she was a princess, so that bit was definitely right. And also she looked a bit like a snowflake, for her face was pale as a December’s morning and her hair as silver as light reflecting off snow. And finally, she was every bit as wild and carefree as a snowflake, so there you have it. Princess Snowflake it was.
Princess Snowflake’s parents had
mysteriously disappeared soon after she was born, and so it was that a bunch of kindly old witches had agreed to raise the child as their own. They lived with her in the Winter Palace, which was made entirely of ice. The chambers, the towers, even the door handles – everything was made of ice. The floors were a bit slippery, and it was best
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to put a blanket on the seat before you went to the toilet, but it was still a palace, so never mind.
On the whole, Princess Snowflake led a carefree life, as I have said. But one day, when she was five years old, one of the kindly old witches took her aside.
‘Child,’ said the witch. ‘I have something important to tell you. You know the Winter Gardens, which lie beyond the palace walls?
Well, they are very nice. But take heed, for
a dreadful fellow lurks deep within those
gardens, waiting to trap the unwary! It is the
Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling
muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings on
his fingers, and he has proud boots. Beware the
Gypsy King, child, beware the Gypsy King!’
But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!
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‘Gypsy King?’ she laughed. ‘There’s no such thing as the Gypsy King! I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’
And off she ran to explore the gardens, for they were her greatest joy.
When Princess Snowflake was six years old, another of the kindly old witches took her aside.
‘Uh oh,’ said Princess Snowflake, ‘here we go again.’
‘Child,’ said the kindly old witch. ‘You
know the Winter Gardens? Well, they are
very nice. But from time to time they are visited
by one who seeks to harm the unwary! Yes, it is
the Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling
muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings
on his fingers, and he has proud boots.’