Theory and Practice of Couples and Family Counseling. James Robert Bitter
and ways in which a caregiver disappointed us. Furthermore, we tend to search for a marital partner similar to that caregiver and then demand better treatment. To the extent that each partner can come to understand the wounds of the other and stretch into what the partner needs, both people can grow. Such partners can cocreate a safe and secure marriage.
Summary
I sometimes worry that those histories that people have not lived or been connected to in their own lives will simply be dismissed or will go by them like the wind. This history is long, and still it is meaningful to me, because I have met and known many of the people in this professional genogram. Some of these people granted me the privilege of spending a significant amount of time in their company. Some I merely met at conferences or watched while they did demonstrations of their work. Your own exposure to their work may only come through videotape or digital media. Still, I hope that you will seek out the chance to see both the historical figures and those who currently keep our field moving forward.
In this chapter, we have looked at the stories that go with the four genograms of couples and family counseling. That is how genograms should be used: They are a map and a vehicle for telling the stories of significance for the people represented on the map. And even though most genograms appear to be structural in nature, in some cases completed drawings can invoke a genuine emotional response in the people represented in them. When I look at my own map, I am often caught up in the memories of my life with my mother and father and how soon they were both gone from my life. I can start crying just by looking at the map. I did not expect a similar response to the genograms of couples and family counseling, but when I focus on the parts of the map that represent now deceased Adlerian colleagues, or I remember my experiences with Virginia Satir, or the last training I had with Michael White, tears flow once again. These are not all tears of grief: In many ways, they are tears of recognition of the many ways great teachers and friends have blessed my life.
Appendix
FIGURE A2.1 • Genogram of Systemic Pioneers and Their Offspring
FIGURE A2.2 • Structural, Strategic, Solution-Focused/Solution-Oriented Models
FIGURE A2.3 • From Postmodern, Social Constructionism to Feminism
FIGURE A2.4 • Evidence-Based Practice in Couples and Family Counseling
CHAPTER 3
The Couples and Family Practitioner as Person and Professional
In the fields that engage in family practice, it is really impossible to separate the person from the professional. Every part of becoming a family counselor requires you to engage in new ways of thinking, seeing, and conceptualizing. Personal reflection is a constant part of being fully human and present with your clients. Systemic theories and interventions are certainly important, but being able to form and maintain an effective therapeutic relationship is more important than any of the other skills you will acquire (Blow et al., 2007; Carlson et al., 2005). I talk about some of the qualities and traits that seem to facilitate constructive relationships in family practice later in this chapter. Most of these qualities can be learned, but they work best when they are fully integrated into the practitioner’s way of being.
Family counselors simply cannot divorce who they are from the work they do. Like everyone else in life, we have triggers, buttons that seem to get pushed regularly and that bring out the kinds of automatic responses that sometimes leave us asking, “Wow, what was that?” Such automatic responses usually come from unmet needs, unconscious motivations, challenged values or personality traits, or unfinished business, especially unfinished business with our family of origin. Our choice is either to be aware of our family issues and concerns or not. When we try to ignore our own issues and concerns, they commonly reemerge in counseling as emotional reactivity (or countertransference), strong positive or negative feelings that are triggered automatically. Such automatic responses are usually not helpful when working with families. They lack clarity and authenticity. We are left to ask, “With whom is the practitioner working: the family in front of them, themselves, or their own family of origin?” If you are going to choose a profession in family counseling, it will also be important to be open to self-evaluation, to expanding your awareness of your own family experiences and the meaning associated with them, and to the personal development of what Murray Bowen called a differentiated self. You will have to learn to recognize what triggers you, to challenge the automatic responses you have to old issues and concerns, and to find alternatives to the emotional reactions that have been with you for a long time. Choosing to become a professional family practitioner is also choosing to work on and develop yourself as a person.
The Family of the Family Practitioner
Virginia Satir used to say that if she walked into a room with 12 people in it, she would meet everyone she ever knew (Satir et al., 1991). When family counselors meet new families, the people from their past whom they are most likely to reexperience come from their own families of origin. So how can you come to understand your own family well enough that you can know what will push your buttons and then how to challenge your automatic responses?
There are several avenues that you may find useful. The first is to create a genogram of your family, going back at least three generations (counting your own) to the families of your parents’ parents. Getting this information will probably require you to interview people in your family and perhaps ask questions that are personal and that you never would have dreamed of asking before. Even if this is difficult to do, push yourself further than you would normally. Call people up. Go home for a visit. Send letters seeking information. Teach yourself to just listen and consider information without reacting as you normally might.
Genograms are explained in more detail in Chapter 7 on Bowen’s multigenerational family therapy. They are essentially structural maps of at least three generations of your family’s life. Creating a personal structural map, however, is just the beginning. Within the map, there will be room to note all of the relational connections that happened in your family and to indicate the emotional ties and reactions too. Do not be surprised when old emotions surface just from the process of creating your own genogram. This happens quite often; it is supposed to happen. Take careful note of the people and situations that trigger these emotional responses in you.
Use the genogram to tell a story that is representative of each of the relationships in your family of origin as well as significant relationships between you and members of your extended family. What themes run through these stories? What can you learn about your cultural affiliations from these stories? What have you learned about men and women? What meanings are attached to