Theory and Practice of Couples and Family Counseling. James Robert Bitter
What relationship did the person in the picture have to the family counselor or therapist? How did the family practitioner feel about the person who came to mind? What issues, if any, still existed between the family practitioner and the person who came to mind in this process? Each of these questions was important in its own right, but they also helped to clarify and answer a larger question: Who was the family practitioner having the pleasure of meeting: the person, couple, or family, or pictures the counselor was about to associate (impose) on the clients?
Satir would then ask people to open their eyes once more and really look at the people with whom they were sitting. What did people notice about others? What part of every other person stood out? What meaning did the person associate with a chosen part or trait? Here is a processing that involved me when I attended a Satir conference in 1979:
Satir: Okay, Jim has curly hair, and you notice it: What do you think about curly hair?
Participant: It’s soft.
Satir: And what meaning do you associate with softness?
Participant: I feel that he is probably kind.
Satir: Now isn’t that interesting: There’s a bit of a leap there from softness to kindness, isn’t there? [turning to me] And are you kind?
Jim: I try to be.
Satir: And sometimes are you also grumpy and not in the mood to be kind?
Jim: Yes.
Satir: But you have curly hair: Isn’t that a permanent contract for unlimited kindness?
Virginia knew that everything we notice is meaningful. If we attend to something, we attach meaning to it. Our only choice is whether we will be conscious (aware) of the meanings we are making or not. Projection (seeing ourselves in others), of course, goes hand in hand with introjection (or an internalization of others), so Satir would often ask family practitioners to imagine what observers thought would stand out in them. That is, what do you think stands out to others in you, and what meaning do you think they attach to it? What is it like to have this fantasy about yourself? How does your body respond? How do you wind up feeling?
Satir was also interested in what our first experiences with each other were. First impressions are hard to change, so taking time to reflect on our first impressions is an important step in defusing their power and becoming present. Let us say that my first impression of you is that you are a bright, intelligent, interesting person whose company I enjoyed, but the next time I see you, you seem lost, distracted, and not very coherent. Rather than change my mind about you, I am likely to say that you are not having a very good day: My first impression still holds. If you are distracted and incoherent again, I might still say, “Wow! Two bad days in a row.” It is not until the third similar experience that I actually decide my first impression was mistaken. Now, if it takes me three new experiences to change a positive first impression, what is going to happen with a negative first impression? It is very likely that it will be so strong that I will not even give you a chance for a second impression. Reflecting on first impressions allows us to set our expectations aside and see whom we are really with at this time in this space.
Finally, Satir would ask us to remember any third-party information we had about the people we were meeting—any gossip or rumors we had heard about the people with whom we were about to make contact. In clinical and school settings, this often includes information that is part of the files kept on individuals, couples, or families. It is a far different thing to meet people as they are than to meet “a schizophrenic,” “a failing child with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder,” or “a batterer.” Labels, as we shall see, carry a lot of power, and one of the great misuses of this power is to eliminate the real person or people sitting right in front of us.
So I would highly recommend that before you ever counsel your first couple or family—and just before you meet every other couple or family you will ever see—you start by centering yourself, by becoming present. To be worth something to others, you have to start with your own self-worth. Take a moment to breathe and to release yourself from distress and distractions. Appreciate who you are and who you are becoming. Allow yourself to have access to all of your senses and to use them appropriately: What will you see when you walk in the room? What will you hear? What are you feeling? When you extend your hand in greeting and receive the hands of others, how will you experience this touch? What messages do you want your touch to send, and what messages are you open to receiving? Smell and taste will probably be least useful in meeting a person or family, but on occasion even these senses can help you be more fully present.
As you meet the members of a family for the first time, be aware of any stress you may feel in your body. This is often a first clue that the exercise of hanging hats is necessary. Ask yourself: What pictures come to mind, what traits in others stand out, what do you think people attend to in you, what first impressions are involved, and what third-party information do you have? Is any of this getting in your way? What will help to clear your heart and mind? What will help you set projections, introjections, and outside information aside for the time being and allow you to meet the people right in front of you?
Being present is the first step in making contact and in engaging a family. Both presence and contact happen in the here and now. They are facilitated by a decision to be aware of self, others, and the context in which you are meeting. Family practitioners remove themselves from good contact when they ask distracting questions, such as “How am I doing?” or “What will others think of my work?” or “Can I do this right?” Our first questions ought to be the following: Who am I meeting at this moment in time? What do these people want to convey to me about their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors? What interests me about them? Indeed, what fascinates me about them? What do I need to do to welcome them, create some safety, and validate the effort it took for everyone to get to the session? Although presence and contact are essential to a therapeutic relationship, other personal and professional attributes also contribute to successful family practice— and we consider these next.
Personal Characteristics and Orientations of Effective Family Practitioners
In this section, I describe the values, traits, attributes, characteristics, and orientations that are commonly associated with effective family counseling. No one has all of the characteristics mentioned here. There is also no ideal combination of characteristics, because in reality a wide range of people and personalities have become very successful family practitioners. If you are just starting in the field, however, it may be useful to consider the following attributes and their importance to you as a person and to your work as a facilitator of family growth and development.
Presence. Of all the qualities listed here, none is more important than the ability to be present in counseling sessions. To be present is to focus on clients with interest and even fascination, which means bringing all of our senses to bear in meeting the people with whom we will work.
Acceptance, interest, and caring. Human beings spend most of their lives in systems and institutions permeated with criticism and authoritarian structures. Effective family practitioners position themselves as antidotes to such negative experiences and situations. They seek to replace critical, negative judgments with understanding, reframing, acceptance, and encouragement. They set a tone from the very first session that allows anything to be expressed and to be heard with interest.
Assertiveness and confidence. Although there is no specific personality type that a family practitioner must be, it is difficult to imagine a shy or reticent person achieving any measure of success. Especially when families include young children and teenagers, family counseling requires a certain degree of assertiveness. Assertiveness is related to confidence. It is speaking in a clear, even voice and communicating without defensiveness. It includes setting boundaries in the service of psychological freedom. It is being comfortable as a leader of the process without taking over for the family itself.
Courage and risk. Courage is usually the foundation for assertiveness and confidence. Courage walks hand in hand with respect. It starts with faith in oneself