Theory and Practice of Couples and Family Counseling. James Robert Bitter
from systems and allow people to experience life more fully than to leave them in protective states.
It is better for systems to be organized than disorganized.
It is better for communication to be open, congruent, and responsive than to be closed, defensive, or dismissive.
It is better to say what we think and feel about things that matter than to be lost in silence.
It is better to set limits, define a bottom line, and clarify what we can do and give than to be controlled by others.
It is better for people to think rationally than irrationally.
It is better to know than not to know.
It is better for people to feel something than to feel nothing at all.
It is better for people to act and take a chance than to become immobilized or constricted.
It is better to have goals and hope than to be discouraged.
It is better to have access to a greater number of internal parts than just a few.
It is better to be appreciative of one’s gender, culture, and ethnicity than to reject it or be cut off from it.
It is better for people to risk optimism, faith, and courage than to live in fear.
Of course, there are exceptions to every one of these generalities. But taken together, they point toward growth, development, organization, meaningfulness, increased opportunities, wider and varied experiences, and augmented capacities and strengths. Which of these guidelines might inform your goals in working with families? Are there additional guidelines you could offer? Are there some that do not fit for you at all? Envisioning where you are going with a family is essential to getting there.
Beginning Your Work as a Couples or Family Practitioner
There are actually some people who seem to be born counselors when they are working with individuals. Such people listen extremely well, bring a focused interest to most of their therapeutic relationships, and have what appears to be a natural capacity for expressing empathy. However, we all tend to have difficulties when we first start working with families. Listening well to family members without paying attention to family process can actually get us lost. Disorganized families often seem chaotic. Learning to think and work systemically is not easy: It takes time and practice.
The first family you see will probably be in a practicum or internship, and you will be under supervision. Being observed when you see your first family is often an added distraction, but it is also an essential safeguard for you and the family. It is not uncommon for the concerns, issues, and problems in the family to trigger unresolved, unfinished, or unaddressed issues in your own relationships. Knowing that you have an experienced practitioner backing you up can help turn your initial anxiety into excitement. Here are a few guidelines that may support your development as a family practitioner.
Getting Started
It is normal to feel a little anxious when you go to meet your first family. It may help you to remember that the family is probably nervous too. So are all of your fel low practicum students or interns. Start with your courage. You have met people before, and you know how to bring forth your interest, your friendliness, and your warmth. Think about what you do when you want to welcome someone into your home. The same qualities will serve you well when you meet families for the first time. Take a deep breath and use your eyes and ears to really take in each person.
At first, be willing to listen and engage the family without having to change it. Be patient. If you get too concerned about what theories or techniques might inform your work, you will lose contact with the family. Start by being as fully present as possible. Ask yourself what you are hearing and what you are seeing. Respond empathically. Let each person know that you hear and understand them. You can trust things to unfold.
Have the Courage to Be Imperfect
“The courage to be imperfect” is a phrase coined by Sofie Lazersfeld and used extensively by Rudolf Dreikurs and other Adlerians (Terner & Pew, 1978). This kind of courage comes from accepting ourselves as human beings who are not perfect and who make mistakes. Effective counselors often trust their intuition or make guesses and observations that they hope will be useful in family work. Reasonable risks are part of the work we do. They are also the foundation for the mistakes we make. If you are going to learn to be an effective family practitioner, you are going to make mistakes. They cannot be avoided. Having the courage to be imperfect is having the courage to be human—and to be ourselves. It is having the courage to be wrong and admit error; to experience the disagreement of others; and to reconsider and correct faulty impressions, interpretations, or the language of our interventions.
Study Your Own Work
Much of the coursework you will have before you see your first family will have addressed your personal development and the way you think about and conceptualize family process. When you start to practice family counseling, you will begin what I hope will be a lifelong commitment to skills development. Nothing will serve this process more than recording as much of your work as possible. Be willing to spend the hours necessary to watch your sessions and reflect on what worked well for you and what you want to change in the future.
It may take you a few times to get beyond being concerned about the way you look or the way your voice sounds, but even these observations can begin to give you some information about what works and what does not. Be patient with yourself and just notice what you actually do: This will also help you be patient with families. What you actually do in family practice will say more about your family practice than what you think you should be doing. What underlying beliefs and values seem to be the foundations for the choices you make in your work? How do family members respond to you and to your interventions? What goals and objectives seem to be present in your efforts? Studying your own work will make the difference between one day having 20 years of experience or having 1 year of experience 20 times over. If you would like some guidance in how to study your own work, I highly recommend the work of Tony Rousmaniere (2017) on deliberate practice.
Cultivate Silence and Reflection
Dealing with silence can sometimes be one of the hardest things for new practitioners to learn. We are used to conversational engagement, and we may have a desire to fill gaps with any comments that come to mind. Silence in our clients can be a sign that they are thinking about themselves or others in the family, are thinking about what just occurred in the session, or simply do not know what to say. Silences in family work tend not to last very long, but they can feel twice as long as they are in actual time.
Learn to Tolerate Quiet Times
Use quiet time to observe and to reflect. What has just been happening? What are the people in the room feeling? Who is doing what with whom? What are you feeling at this moment in time? You do not want your reflections to distract you from staying present, but with practice you will be able to check in with yourself without losing contact with the family.
Most of us reflect on our work after the session is over. I encourage family practitioners to write their reflections in a journal as a regular part of their practice. Think about what happened in the session. What were you feeling and experiencing? What did you consider saying that went unsaid? What did you say or do that you wish you had not or that needed better timing? What issues came up for you? How do they relate to your own family or relational experiences? What part of your self-reflection would be important to discuss with your supervisor or peers? Is there anything in your reflections that you think would be useful to share with the family? Keeping a journal of these reflections is one way to mark your growth and development over the span of your career.