Theory and Practice of Couples and Family Counseling. James Robert Bitter
About Your Evolving Role as a Family Practitioner
One of your most important reflections will be on your evolving role as a family practitioner. What does it mean to you to be a family counselor? What do the processes and activities in your work say about you as a professional? As you read about the different theories and models of family counseling, you will have to consider a wide range of roles and functions. Some roles will include directive interventions; some will be more collaborative. Some roles will focus on assessment of dysfunction and change; some will focus on strengths and resiliency. Some will be interested in communication and meaning; others will be primarily interested in behaviors. Which of these roles and functions are a good fit for you?
Salvador Minuchin suggested that his role as a family therapist evolved over more than 30 years of practice (S. Minuchin & Zeig, 2005b). He was not the same structural family therapist at the end of his career as he first described in the 1970s. His style and process changed as he grew older. He learned from the families he interviewed, and he learned from his peers. He noted that he “copied” many aspects of style from fellow therapists like Carl Whitaker, Jay Haley, and Michael White. When he copied these people, he may have borrowed a way of phrasing a question, giving a directive, or engaging certain family members, but he used these interventions “with a Spanish accent”; that is, he integrated new and different styles and made them his own.
You cannot define your professional role once and for all. It will evolve and change depending on the clients with whom you work, the services you provide, the location and setting of your practice, and the training and collaborations in which you engage. My own work has led me to a belief in encouragement, a focus on strength and resiliency in families, the dismantling of constraints and restrictions, and the facilitation of change through enactments and the development of new experiences.
Develop a Sense of Humor
A sense of humor is one of the most important tools that a family practitioner can have. A sense of humor starts with our capacity for enjoyment and enriches human contact. The work that we do is important. It requires that we approach it in a responsible manner, and it often starts with matters that need our most serious attention. Still, nothing is serious forever, and humor and laughter, when appropriate and well timed, can lighten relational encounters and add an almost transcendent perspective. In this sense, real humor never puts anyone down. Like laughter, it lifts us up and invites us closer. Humor reminds us that we are not alone—that we have a common humanity. Having a sense of humor is probably the greatest safeguard against therapist fatigue and burnout.
Consider Collaborative Practice
The different approaches we will study in this book will present a wide range of therapeutic relational stances. Some will be exploratory in nature; others will be nurturing. Some will see the therapist as a coach, and others will approach family process as a conductor or a director. Still others will engage families in play. The distinctive styles of the masters of family therapy can be both magical and entertaining. Although it is important for each person to find and develop an individualized style, professional styles will change many times over the course of a career. Even the most innovative masters of therapy tended to approach their first family sessions carefully, allowing themselves time to observe and learn. I think this is a good way for most new practitioners to start.
Enter into your first family sessions from a position of respect. Let the family members you meet instruct you about their lives together. Start with interest, friendliness, and observation, the tools of an explorer. Do not rush the process of change. Even if you are limited to only one session lasting 1 hour, spend 45 minutes getting to know the family and its members. Consider the possibility that the family really does know what it needs and that its members can share in the process of setting goals for your work together. Consider the possibility that family members have many, if not all, of the resources they need to handle the challenges they face. Inviting families to be partners in the experience of counseling increases safety, reduces resistance, and leads to empowerment.
From such a foundation of respect, it is possible over time to integrate other skills, techniques, and interventions. It is not uncommon for even very experienced family practitioners to borrow skills and styles from one another. When I first started, I copied people I thought were effective, often using the very words and actions I had seen them use with their families. Some of the things I borrowed worked well for me too, and I made them part of my own style. Some things did not work so well, and I eventually let them go. Developing your own style involves trying things out, occasionally trusting your intuition, and experimenting with interventions. Innovation seeks what is fresh and lively, and its effectiveness is supported by the respectful connections we form with our clients.
If you have no other way to begin, consider saying, “I would like to get to know a little bit about each of you. What would be important for me to know?” Later you might also ask, “What did each of you hope would happen in our work together?” Such a start focuses the process on engagement and collaboration. It begins with an exploration of people and relationships and highlights the wishes and hopes that are often hidden in complaints and problems. It also tends to generate new information and allows family members to consider different perspectives. A collaborative relationship with clients may include the feedback of families as part of one’s own supervision. In the last 5 minutes of a session, I often ask families about what has worked for them: “How did this session go for you today? What was helpful? What is still missing for you?”
No matter how directive family practitioners have been during their careers, many of them become increasingly collaborative as they age (Aponte, 1994; Hoffman, 2002; S. Minuchin & Zeig, 2005a; Selvini, 1988). They become more patient in their approach. Their timing is more precise, and interventions seem to arrive in a style that is more easily received. Their work extends the capacity for joining throughout the session. If you want an effective process with which to get started, a collaborative stance will serve you well.
Be Careful With Advice
Families that are suffering often come to counseling seeking a quick solution to their problems. They are hoping that a wise counselor will give them some advice or direction that will change their lives and make things better. Such a wish can be very seductive to a new family practitioner. After all, many of us approach this work with the hope that we can help people, make a difference in their relationships, and set them on a course that will lead to greater harmony and happiness.
The paradox is that advice, when it is useful at all, is more easily accepted when it comes from someone who is older and has the kind of life experiences that suggest wisdom—and these are the very people who are less prone to dispensing advice. I am not saying that advice should never be given: This chapter is loaded with advice. Nor am I saying that suggestions and directives are inappropriate. They all have their place depending on the models from which you choose to work. This is just a caution: When you are first getting started, be careful with interventions based on giving advice. Giving advice is not the same as counseling.
Have a Life of Your Own
Couples and family counseling is intense relational work. It is easy to get absorbed in the problems and lives of the families we see. We feel responsible for them, and at the same time, we know that they are the ones who must cope with and handle the challenges they face. If we get lost in our work, we may begin to take our work home with us: This is a sure way to experience professional burnout. The most effective family practitioners I know have lives of their own. They may have their own families and be raising their own children, but they are also interested in his tory, culture, music, art, or theater, to name a few possibilities. They may exercise or play sports. They may read, write poetry, collect stamps, cook, or have hobbies. They may belong to a church, engage in politics, or coach a little league team. In short, they have lives of their own. More important, they seek to live enriched lives.
Relational practitioners, like other members of the helping professions, cannot divorce who they are from what they do. Who we are and the