Battle Cries. Hillary Potter
her work to the point where she would just crawl through the front door. You know, ’cause she would be so tired, she worked a lot. We had a beautiful home. She always kept her house immaculate.
As indicated, strength to the the women also attributed their mothers’ strength to the mothers’ endurance in abusive relationships. In Chapter 4, I describe how many of these women witnessed their mothers’ attempts at verbally and physically repelling the abusive acts perpetuated by their husbands and boyfriends and note that this aided in the women’s decisions to fight off their own batterers. Still, as 18-year-old Keisha said about her 38-year-old mother, Leah, with whom I also spoke, the women were often at a loss to explain why their strong mothers would endure the abuse at all. Keisha acknowledged, “I think with her relationship with my dad and Vic, the stalker, I seen this strong woman. This strong woman, she’s my mother, and she’s just going through ridiculous trials and tribulations over guys.”
The strong mothers often helped the women to resist further intimate partner abuse. As I describe in Chapter 7, the women’s mothers were a substantial resource for leaving abusive relationships. Thirty-nine-year-old Rebecca elaborated on how her mother and othermothers were a source of strength while she dealt with abuse: “There were a very, very large amount of strong women in my family who helped me get through a lot of what I’ve been through.”
I will expand on the relevance of some of the women receiving special treatment in their families of origin in the following chapter, but there are connections between this status in their families and issues of Strong Black Women that should be introduced here. The women who did not describe their mothers or main mother-figures as Strong Black Women included six of the seven women who received special treatment in their families of origin (four of the seven were not exposed to any major forms of violence in childhood). Harriet’s mother died when Harriet was young, leaving her father as her main parent and role model, and the mothers of the other six women would not have been considered to fit the definition of the Strong Black Woman during the women’s childhoods. An additional three women who did not describe their mothers as Strong Black Women (a) did not fit within the special-treatment category; (b) were exposed to at least one form of violence during their upbringing; and (c) were raised by both biological parents. One woman’s parents were regularly under the influence of drugs and were virtually absent as parents. Within the other two sets of parents, the mothers were particularly docile and modeled the more “traditional” role of mother and wife by being fairly reserved and not major decision makers in the homes of origin. However, even most of the women who did not have Strong Black Mother role models began to describe themselves as Strong Black Women toward the end or after the conclusion of their abusive relationships. These self-perceptions were created because of their personal dealings with the many social structure and cultural struggles faced by most Black women in U.S. society and because of their fortitude during the intimate partner abuse. Their views of themselves as strong were often solidified through interactions with White women, who, as highlighted earlier, were regarded as pampered and weak. Fittingly, even women without Strong Black Mothers as role models came to view themselves as strong for having lived through unfortunate circumstances. For instance, Wendy was a “special-treatment” child and did not have a mother who fit in the Strong Black Woman characterization. However, she described how her mother eventually displayed strength qualities after years of abuse by her husband (Wendy’s father). As evident in her appraisal of herself and her mother a couple of years prior to my conversation with her, Wendy followed her mother’s path to the Strong Black Woman characterization: “By this time, I had became my mother: the Strong Black Woman.”
Starting with the women’s observations of Black mothers’ and other Black women’s maneuvers in the home, the community, and society-at-large, the formation of many of the women viewing themselves as Strong Black Women began at a young age. Forty-five-year-old Helene was one of the women who received special treatment in her home of origin, but she was the only one of the special-treatment girls whose mother fit within the characterization of the Strong Black Woman. Helene discussed her positive view of her own strength when she was a teenager:
Here I am, my senior year in high school. School started in September. I got pregnant in September, my son was born a week to the day I marched and got my diploma. There was no way I was dropping out of school. Back then, you couldn’t even go to school [pregnant]. It didn’t matter to me. I wasn’t dropping out. There was enough I had to drop out of back then: my debut,15 I had to miss my prom.… That was so embarrassing.… I took my senior pictures anyway, though. I stayed in school every day.
Many times the women received verbal confirmation of their strength. Keisha, who graduated from high school only several weeks prior to my interview with her, described how her mother realized and confirmed Keisha’s strength: “My mom tells me everyday how I’m the strongest person she’s ever seen. She was like, ‘For you to be 18, you’ve been through a lot. With guys, family, and everything, you’re very strong.’ She’s like, ‘You’re a strong woman.’”
As many of their mothers did before them, a number of the women described how they sustained their strength in spite of an abusive mate. Of course, at times, their strength wavered because of the vicious physical attacks, but more so because of the accompanying mental abuse that diminished their self-worth. Yet the women delighted in their ability to conjure up and rebuild the strength that they acknowledged had been gradually weakened by the batterers. They used their anger, and several used their spiritual faith, to summon and restore their strength. In Chapter 7, I will illustrate that even though the women used interpersonal and systemic resources to aid them in discontinuing the abusive relationships, they ultimately used their own resolve to get to the point where they could leave their violent and otherwise abusive companions. I assert that adopting the notion of the Strong Black Woman appreciably aided the women in leaving. Olivia surmised that once she was able to convey to her abuser that she did not need him—emotionally, financially, or otherwise—much of his motivation to exert power through abuse was eliminated:16
He’d come over, “I’ve come to see my baby.” Or come when it was time to eat, pretend like he really cared. But he was really there to wreak havoc, to see if I was making it without him. I guess I was one of those strong Black women. If I wasn’t making it, I wasn’t going to tell him. The slapping around was to say, “You’re not making it; you have to tell me [that you’re not making it].” But it didn’t work.
Olivia continued her narrative by describing her strength in the context of dealing with future intimate companions:
I am the headstrong female. I’m very independent. I don’t like people sitting at home, I don’t want you cheating. I don’t want you staying out on me, cheating on me.… You know, lay up with me and I’m not supposed to say anything. I’m not that type of female.… So, yes, I’m’a pick a fight with you. And yes, I’m gonna want to know where you been. You got to be accountable.
Similarly, based on her previous experiences with unhealthy intimate relationships, Harriet spoke of how she required even stricter conditions for men’s behavior in relationships. Harriet accepted being an independent, assertive woman and maintained that she was not going to compromise herself for a man’s sake and ego. She discussed how she believed men responded to women like her:
I was never, ever a submissive Black woman at all. Never have and never will be. And a lot of men become intimidated by that, I guess.… I saw where they didn’t think that I was passive enough. I’ve always been taught to speak my mind. Some men like that when they first meet you. They lie and say they like that. But don’t believe it. I’m not goin’ change for nobody.
Concerning talking back, the women in this investigation may have faced corporal repercussions when they responded to their batterers with verbal attacks, but they were pleased that they showed their strength by at least letting their feelings about the unwarranted and harmful treatment be known. Olivia emphasized the strength in battered Black women’s tendency to talk back:17 “Black women, we’re loud, we’re