Tri-level Identity Crisis. Группа авторов
literature on identity crisis may point to similar experience with Western children, the difference is that with the Western parents, as long as what the child is involved in is not illegal, the parents believe that it is up to the child to make that decision and live with the consequences. In other words, it is okay as long as the child can amicably live with his/her own decision. There is no question for the child developing feelings of shame or guilt and therefore no particular danger to developing internal distress and psychosis based on his/her differing views with parents. The parents may express disappointment but are not as invested emotionally. For the non-western parents however, engagement in what has been forbidden as a moral value is regarded as a moral failure. Its consequences are far-reaching in effect to the larger family and even community. Due to such far-reaching effects, the consequence on the child’s sense of self is huge. In some instances, the parents not only express their disappointment but also manifest grief and despair over what they think is moral failure on the child and a parental failure on their part.
Furthermore, this sense of failure is communicated to the child if not by word, by gesture, body language and temperament of the parents. Issues of guilt and shame become a pestering part of the child’s conscience. This in turn affects the dynamics of the family system in terms of communication patterns, stress, and greater sense of doubt by the parents about their own responsibility in nurturing their child. Many parents question their own parenting styles and responsibility in child’s feelings of dissonance. Families find themselves caught in a self-defeating cycle of fluctuating confidence, uncertainty in parental expectations and standards, cycles of harmony and disharmony with teenage children, and fear of the unknown in an unknown country.
With regard to the first generation immigrant children then, the very experience of living two selves: one for the parents’ expectations and the other for the individual self can be a source of dissonance and depression. It further distances the child from experiencing a sense of continuity in their own identity. Referring to the four-stage model espoused in chapter 1, the child may find him/herself arrested in a vicious cycle between the foreclosed and the moratorium quadrants. The older the child gets and cannot move forward from these cycle, the more dissonance s/he experiences, and the more disillusioned and lost s/he feels.
Peer Pressure to Conform to Majority Culture
One of the main hallmarks for teenage identity crisis is the competing voice of peers against that of parents. This is an experience across the board whether one is Caucasian, of color or a child of an immigrant. However, what needs to be noted at this point is the unique driving force that children of immigrants experience during this period of peer pressure. A contextual scenario here is insightful. While for most of the other pre-teen children the parents are the best thing that could happen to them, the first generation immigrant child’s relationship with the parents has already been dented. Many children of immigrant families lose their admiration of parents around this age as they begin to compare their families with those of their friends. For instance, many of Hispanic families who have come to the US in search of better jobs and income to sustain their families, rely on their children as the main interpreters of the English language. Most parents are fearful of enrolling in English as Second language (ESL) for various reasons, including the fear of losing their own language by learning a new one, or the fear of being exposed to harsh immigration laws. Their children are therefore occasionally pulled out of school to help interpret for their parents at the banks, social services and even in medical matters. Even where an institution offers interpretation services, many Hispanic families will trust their children for more accurate interpretation because of the history of prejudice, discrimination and general mistrust of the majority culture. While children will obligingly offer these services to their non-English speaking parents, they begin to sense that their family is different and inferior. Their admiration of their parents compared to those of Caucasians begin to dwindle. In a similar fashion, for instance, children of African immigrants, lose their admiration of parents as they begin to sense the inferiority complex that the African parents likely manifest, an aspect associated with cultural identity development and the remnants of colonization as discussed in chapter 1 under the subtitle racial minority identity development. Even where parents are confident and courageous in the face of majority culture, the children make their own meanings about the status of parents’ heritage. After all, the society around them including social media, mission work and political rhetoric shows works of charity by the Americans, usually directed towards Africa and other third world countries. Even where parents actively teach their children and expose them to the richness of their culture either through videos, actual visits or stories, the ravages of poverty, disease, hunger and land pollution cannot escape the eye of the child. Indeed, amidst the glorious stories of countries of origin, are the realities of parents supporting their family members financially! While such gestures speak of charitable hearts of their parents to the children, the fact is not lost to the children that unlike their friends’ grandparents who spoil them with gifts and vacations and money on their birthdays, and other special occasions, theirs is a reverse. The teenagers also view their parents as un-savvy in navigating the culture they presently live in. For a teenage child whose focus developmentally is the self, this is not a welcome realization about his family. The teenager may love the parents sincerely but simultaneously experience shame in association with them and thus seek to psychologically distance themselves from the family. One can see why peer pressure for the immigrant child becomes a readily welcome alternative to the less admired parents. The need to be accepted by the peers as one who is at par becomes almost obsessive. The more this peer pressure engulfs the child, the more the child tries to seek independence from parents whom s/he views as inferior in knowledge of the American culture. Conflict and constant collision between child and parents become inevitable. The greater the constancy of such conflict the more the feelings of disillusion and dissonance to both the parents and the children, and the greater the possibility of life long rifts between them. Though the examples given here of how such adverse rifts may come about are from Hispanic and African families, other immigrant families are not exempt from such dissonance.
Lack of Clear Role Models
Most first generation immigrants in the US are cut off from their families of origin and the larger extended families. A few of these families may have very tight ties with their homeland and may keep regular contact with extended families especially in the present age of communication technology that includes skype, zoom, tweeter, telephones, instagram, emails, etc. However, very few will ensure that these ties involve their children as well. If the children were born in the US there is a sense in which they are disconnected from infancy. Many parents will try to get conversation going between their family at home and their children in North America, but then language becomes a barrier. I am reminded of a noble idea my husband and I had for our children to be connected and learn our mother language. The opportunity presented itself that I would be gone to South Africa on an academic sabbatical for three months while our children were still young. So we thought what a great opportunity to have their grandmother come and stay those three months so that they can learn the language and have some emotional connection with her. She came and stayed three months. The twist was that she ended up learning English while they did not learn any Meru language whatsoever. Emotional connection? Yes, a little, but it was soon eroded by the distance and the children’s irregular visits to Africa.
There is also lack of common interests on which to converse. Many parents try the occasional phone call or skype with extended family outside of the US. However, unless this is an intentional and regular effort, it soon gets ineffective because the two have no common grounds for a conversation. Hence, the simple act of living away from their homeland cuts off the most natural role models that the extended family may offer. Yet we know the importance of role models within the family. For instance, we always hear people referring to a great grandparent or uncle or aunt who inspired them in one-way or another. For the immigrant child, that is not a practical avenue. The child may see pictures, have an occasional word or two on phone with an extended family member, but they do not translate to life-size influence that is so important in creating role models.
As already discussed earlier, the parents are also not the most popular role models. The child is left to find role models in the society either through sports, Hollywood or political icons—who in some ways are also not exactly the mirror likeness to the child because of his/her