Mentoring Minutes. Robin Cox
you interact, and encourage them to pass it on to others.
10. Delpit, The Politics.
Week 4
Youth Culture
The heart of mentoring—getting the most out of life isn’t about how much you keep for yourself, but how much you pass on to others.
—David Stoddard11
Day 1: Understand youth culture (1)
The context of your mentee’s life is important to understand so you appreciate what they cope with each day. Spend some time and reflect on what it was like to be the age of your mentee. Think about these questions:
•What was a typical day like?
•What was really important to you at that time?
•What were your parents, or caregivers like? Did you get along? Were you close?
•Think of your friends. Were friendships always easy, or were they sometimes hard? Why was this?
•In general, did you feel that adults understood you well?
At the same time, remember that some things change dramatically. The new generation may live in a context and have experiences that are vastly different from those of the previous generation. Today, for example, there may be significantly more alcohol and drug abuse compared to your youth; more widespread and dangerous sexually transmitted diseases; more crime and violence, particularly in urban areas; violence in the media, and in “games” as a commonplace event; the impact of the digital age—all the positives and negative issues or factors; more single-parent families, and greater demands on all families.
Mentoring tip: Empathetically confront your mentee, and always remember your childhood experiences.
Day 2: Understand youth culture (2)
It is important to know the individual members of your mentee’s family wherever possible. Visit the family at their home. Become involved in social activities within the community, and you gain the opportunity to share ideas, views, and values. You also develop a deeper understanding of their culture. Much will depend, of course, on the nature of your mentoring program—is it a community or school-based program, for example?
The socioeconomic background of your mentee could also differ markedly from your own, as stated in these examples.
•You own a house, while your mentee’s family rents one.
•You own a car, while your mentee travels on public transport.
•You have a TV and DVD player, while your mentee has neither.
•You own a computer, while your mentee has no computer, has to share a room with two siblings, and lacks the privacy to work on their own.
•You have lived in the same house for five years, while in the same time your mentee has moved four times.
In other words, remember that many things you take for granted are not necessarily owned or experienced by others.
Poverty may cause stress and depression for your mentee. It may also create a different attitude to money. For example, your mentee might spend $100 on label clothes in order to enjoy the moment, as they do not believe there is any chance of a better future. There is no motivation to save money. However, you can sensitively help your mentee to create a new future for themselves, as you care for them in a non-judgmental, unconditional way.
Mentoring tip: Always respect the rules of your mentee’s home, or school, or workplace.
Day 3: Tomorrow’s youth
A mentor shared a reason they chose to mentor: “Looking after the children and youth of today will influence the quality of life for me tomorrow.”
This is an interesting comment, a reminder of how valuable it is to invest our time and energy in the lives of youth in the hope that they will make a positive difference in the world.
Many adolescents complain that no-one listens to them. Consider these words written by American writer and management consultant Margaret Wheatley: “Listening is such a simple act. It requires us to be present and that takes practice, but we don’t have to do anything else. We don’t have to advise, or coach, or sound wise. We just have to be willing to sit there and listen.”
We invest our time in youth, and we must work hard to become great and respected listeners.
Mentoring expert Bobb Biehl12 provides another perspective: “Mentoring is a movement for quiet people who enjoy working behind the scenes for no pay or glory, just helping other people win.”
My mentoring experiences have taught me that we are all winners. The relationship spins off into the school or work environment, time spent with peers, and often results in positive developments within family relationships.
Mentoring tip: Mentors display patience, that quality of endurance that can reach breaking point and not break.
Day 4: Productive mentors
Mentoring expert and psychologist Marsha Sinetar13 wrote a fascinating book in which she highlighted some key signs of productive mentors. These signs are relevant for all mentors of young people.
•Mentors affirm life and further its potential.
•Mentors enter into authentic dialogue because, at heart, they are genuinely and emotionally available.
•Mentors set clear boundaries for themselves and those they mentor.
•Mentors “walk the talk,” as they embody values and virtues others merely talk about, yet do not model.
•Mentors stabilize their mentees in a continuity of effort because they themselves are stable and grounded.
Educator and author Sheryl Feinstein14, who has done extensive work with regard to the adolescent brain, highlighted the needs of youth, and the significance of a meaningful mentoring relationship: “Adolescence is a pivotal time in a person’s development. The changes teens experience determines much about who they are—their work ethic, self-esteem, morality—and who they will become. This, in turn, shapes our society.”
Mentoring tip: Set out to become an exemplary role model. Walk the talk. Live the values you coach. Your mentee will respect you, perhaps even strive to emulate you.
Mentoring moments
The adolescent years are a time of confusion at some point for most of our youth as they seek meaning and purpose in their lives, and explore the meaning of independence.
For a brief season I shared thoughts and ideas with fourteen-year-old Meg, now a successful business woman married with children. Meg shared these thoughts when I moved from the school. They continue to keep me humble, yet motivated to speak to the potential greatness of youth.
This is just a small thank you note to express how much I appreciate everything you have done for this school and ultimately myself. I have never come across a principal as dynamic before, and I certainly hope [your successor] will be just as patient and dynamic as you were. I wish you the best of luck with your new job, although I’m sure you won’t even need it. I am sure you’ll fascinate the students at your future school as you have fascinated me.
Mentoring tip: You share your strengths and values as you share your life stories with youth.
11. Stoddard, The Heart.
12. Biehl, Mentoring.
13. Sinetar, The Mentor’s Spirit, 146.