Psmith Series. P. G. Wodehouse
beleaguered garrison were the object of general attention.; Everybody turned to look at them as they came in.; It was plain that the study episode had been a topic of conversation.; Spiller’s face was crimson, and Robinson’s coat-sleeve still bore traces of garden mould.
Mike felt rather conscious of the eyes, but Psmith was in his element.; His demeanour throughout the meal was that of some whimsical monarch condescending for a freak to revel with his humble subjects.
Towards the end of the meal Psmith scribbled a note and passed it to Mike.; It read:; “Directly this is over, nip upstairs as quickly as you can.”
Mike followed the advice; they were first out of the room.; When they had been in the study a few moments, Jellicoe knocked at the door.; “Lucky you two cut away so quick,” he said.; “They were going to try and get you into the senior day-room and scrag you there.”
“This,” said Psmith, leaning against the mantelpiece, “is exciting, but it can’t go on.; We have got for our sins to be in this place for a whole term, and if we are going to do the Hunted Fawn business all the time, life in the true sense of the word will become an impossibility.; My nerves are so delicately attuned that the strain would simply reduce them to hash.; We are not prepared to carry on a long campaign—the thing must be settled at once.”
“Shall we go down to the senior day-room, and have it out?” said Mike.
“No, we will play the fixture on our own ground.; I think we may take it as tolerably certain that Comrade Spiller and his hired ruffians will try to corner us in the dormitory to-night.; Well, of course, we could fake up some sort of barricade for the door, but then we should have all the trouble over again to-morrow and the day after that.; Personally I don’t propose to be chivvied about indefinitely like this, so I propose that we let them come into the dormitory, and see what happens.; Is this meeting with me?”
“I think that’s sound,” said Mike.; “We needn’t drag Jellicoe into it.”
“As a matter of fact—if you don’t mind—” began that man of peace.
“Quite right,” said Psmith; “this is not Comrade Jellicoe’s scene at all; he has got to spend the term in the senior day-room, whereas we have our little wooden châlet to retire to in times of stress.; Comrade Jellicoe must stand out of the game altogether.; We shall be glad of his moral support, but otherwise, ne pas.; And now, as there won’t be anything doing till bedtime, I think I’ll collar this table and write home and tell my people that all is well with their Rupert.”
CHAPTER XXXV
UNPLEASANTNESS IN THE SMALL HOURS
Jellicoe, that human encyclopaedia, consulted on the probable movements of the enemy, deposed that Spiller, retiring at ten, would make for Dormitory One in the same passage, where Robinson also had a bed.; The rest of the opposing forces were distributed among other and more distant rooms.; It was probable, therefore, that Dormitory One would be the rendezvous.; As to the time when an attack might be expected, it was unlikely that it would occur before half-past eleven.; Mr. Outwood went the round of the dormitories at eleven.
“And touching,” said Psmith, “the matter of noise, must this business be conducted in a subdued and sotto voce manner, or may we let ourselves go a bit here and there?”
“I shouldn’t think old Outwood’s likely to hear you—he sleeps miles away on the other side of the house.; He never hears anything.; We often rag half the night and nothing happens.”
“This appears to be a thoroughly nice, well-conducted establishment.; What would my mother say if she could see her Rupert in the midst of these reckless youths!”
“All the better,” said Mike; “we don’t want anybody butting in and stopping the show before it’s half started.”
“Comrade Jackson’s Berserk blood is up—I can hear it sizzling.; I quite agree these things are all very disturbing and painful, but it’s as well to do them thoroughly when one’s once in for them.; Is there nobody else who might interfere with our gambols?”
“Barnes might,” said Jellicoe, “only he won’t.”
“Who is Barnes?”
“Head of the house—a rotter.; He’s in a funk of Stone and Robinson; they rag him; he’ll simply sit tight.”
“Then I think,” said Psmith placidly, “we may look forward to a very pleasant evening.; Shall we be moving?”
Mr. Outwood paid his visit at eleven, as predicted by Jellicoe, beaming vaguely into the darkness over a candle, and disappeared again, closing the door.
“How about that door?” said Mike.; “Shall we leave it open for them?”
“Not so, but far otherwise.; If it’s shut we shall hear them at it when they come.; Subject to your approval, Comrade Jackson, I have evolved the following plan of action.; I always ask myself on these occasions, ‘What would Napoleon have done?’ I think Napoleon would have sat in a chair by his washhand-stand, which is close to the door; he would have posted you by your washhand-stand, and he would have instructed Comrade Jellicoe, directly he heard the door-handle turned, to give his celebrated imitation of a dormitory breathing heavily in its sleep.; He would then——”
“I tell you what,” said Mike, “how about tying a string at the top of the steps?”
“Yes, Napoleon would have done that, too.; Hats off to Comrade Jackson, the man with the big brain!”
The floor of the dormitory was below the level of the door.; There were three steps leading down to it.; Psmith lit a candle and they examined the ground.; The leg of a wardrobe and the leg of Jellicoe’s bed made it possible for the string to be fastened in a satisfactory manner across the lower step.; Psmith surveyed the result with approval.
“Dashed neat!” he said.; “Practically the sunken road which dished the Cuirassiers at Waterloo.; I seem to see Comrade Spiller coming one of the finest purlers in the world’s history.”
“If they’ve got a candle——”
“They won’t have.; If they have, stand by with your water-jug and douse it at once; then they’ll charge forward and all will be well.; If they have no candle, fling the water at a venture—fire into the brown!; Lest we forget, I’ll collar Comrade Jellicoe’s jug now and keep it handy.; A couple of sheets would also not be amiss—we will enmesh the enemy!”
“Right ho!” said Mike.
“These humane preparations being concluded,” said Psmith, “we will retire to our posts and wait.; Comrade Jellicoe, don’t forget to breathe like an asthmatic sheep when you hear the door opened; they may wait at the top of the steps, listening.”
“You are a chap!” said Jellicoe.
Waiting in the dark for something to happen is always a trying experience, especially if, as on this occasion, silence is essential.; Mike found his thoughts wandering back to the vigil he had kept with Mr. Wain at Wrykyn on the night when Wyatt had come in through the window and found authority sitting on his bed, waiting for him.; Mike was tired after his journey, and he had begun to doze when he was jerked back to wakefulness by the stealthy turning of the door-handle; the faintest rustle from Psmith’s direction followed, and a slight giggle, succeeded by a series of deep breaths, showed that Jellicoe, too, had heard the noise.
There was a creaking sound.
It was pitch-dark in the dormitory, but Mike could follow the invaders’ movements as clearly as if it had been broad daylight.; They had opened the door and were listening.; Jellicoe’s breathing grew more asthmatic; he was flinging himself into his part with the whole-heartedness of the true artist.
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