"Swingin Round the Cirkle.". David Ross Locke
uv no yoose to us. After Peerse hed run the machine four yeers, wat wuz there left? Eko ansers. Anuther siftin follered, and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxon hed got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to wich we hed sold ourselves, wood not let us off with this, however. ‘The wages uv sin is deth,’ and we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He instigated South Karliny to rebel; he indoosed the other Democratic States to foller; he forced the Northern Democrisy to support em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke. Dickinson, and Cass, and Dix, and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wun by wun the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the Democratic firmament, leaving Noo Gersey alone, and last fall, my brethrin, she sot in gloom.
“Oh, how true it is! We served sin faithfully, and where are we? We went to war for slavery, and slavery is dead. We fit for a confederacy, and the confederacy is dead. We fit for States Rites, and States Rites is dead. And Democracy tied herself to all these corpses, and they hev stunk her to death.
“Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and whar is Kentucky? We sent our men to the confedrit army, and none uv em cum back, ceptin the skulkers, who comprised all uv that class wich we wood hev bin glad to hev killed. Linkin wantid to hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid for em. We held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are taken from us with nary a compensate. In short, whatever uv good the Devil promised us in pollytix hez resulted in evil. My niggers is gone, my plantashen here hez fed alternately both armies, ez they cavorted backerds and forrerds through the Stait, my house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to show for my property is Confedrit munny, which is a very dead article uv death. I know not what the venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a goin to say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage, and cant preach a elokent sermon on that text, he aint much on the preach. I’m dun.”
Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I cooldn’t go on. I dismist the awdience with a benedickshun, hopin to get em together when sich prejudiced men aint present.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
V.
The Effect the Proclamation of Secretary Seward produced in Kentucky.
Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
December, 20, 1865.
At last! The deed is dun! The tiranikle government which hez sway at Washington hez finelly extinguished the last glimerin flicker uv Liberty, by abolishin slavery! The sun didn’t go down in gloom that nite—the stars didn’t fade in2 a sickly yeller, at wich obstinacy uv nachur I wuz considably astonished.
I got the news at the Post Offis (near wich I am at present stayin, at the house uv a venerable old planter, who accepts my improvin conversation and a occasional promise, wich is cheap, ez equivalent for board). Sadly I wendid my way to his peaceful home, dreadin to fling over that house the pall uv despair. After supper I broke to em ez gently ez I cood the intelligence that three-fourths uv the States hed ratified the constooshnel amendment—that Seward had ishood his proclamation, and that all the Niggers wuz free!
Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on human countenance—never wuz there despair uv sich depth. All nite long the bereaved inmates uv that wunst happy but now distracted home wept and waled in agony wich wuz perfectly heart rendin.
“Wo is me,” sobbed the old man, wringin his hands.
“John Brown’s karkis hangs a danglin in the air, but his sole is marchin on.
“It took posseshun of Seward, and thro his ugly mouth it spoke the words ‘the nigger is free,’ and there is no more a slave in all the land.
“Wunst I hed a hundred niggers, and the men were fat and healthy, and the wenches wuz strong, and sum uv em wuz fair to look upon.
“They worked in my house, and my fields, from the rising uv the sun to the goin down uv the same.
“Wuz they lazy? I catted them till they wuz cured thereof; for lo! they wuz ez a child under my care.
“Did they run away? From Kentucky they run North, and lo! the Locofoco Marshals caught them for me, and brought them back, and delivered them into my hand, without cost, sayin, lo! here is thy nigger—do with him ez thou wilt (wich I alluz did), wich is cheeper than keepin dogs, and jest as good.
“Solomon wuz wise, for he hed uv konkebines a suffishensy, but we wuz wiser in our day than him.
“For he hed to feed his children, and it kost him shekels uv gold and shekels uv silver, and much corn and oil.
“We hed our konkebines with ez great a muchness ez Solomon, but we sold their children for silver, and gold, and red-dog paper.”
And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who hed alluz bin a father to his servants (and a grandfather to menny uv em) poured out his lamentations.
In the mornin the niggers wuz called up, and ez they all hed their koats on, and hed bundles, I spect they must hev heard the news. The old gentleman explained the situation to em.
“Yoo will,” sed he, “stay in yoor happy homes—you will alluz continue to live here, and work here, ez yoo hev alluz dun!”
The niggers all in korious, with a remarkable unanimity, remarkt that ef they hed ever bin introdoost to theirselves, they thought they woodent. In fact, they hed congregated at that time for the purpose uv startin life on their own hook.
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