Riches of Grace: A Compilation of Experiences in the Christian Life. E. E. Byrum
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At first Satan tried to keep me from making any restitution. Then, after I had started, and he saw he could not prevent me, he pushed me to the other extreme. One little neglect or forgetfulness after another came to mind until it seemed to me there would be no end of making reparation. These little shortcomings were so trivial in their nature that, as I now review them, I am convinced that they were either no wrongs at all or else merely mistakes resulting from a lack of wisdom or knowledge, and that they had been readily overlooked at the time or soon forgotten by all parties concerned until my own mind began to search for them.
The following will suffice as a fair sample: I had by oversight forgotten to return a borrowed lead pencil, which had been about three-fourths used up. Months afterwards I happened to think of it, and I became so worried and accused that I finally attempted restitution, as I had already done in perhaps dozens of other just such trivial instances.
I was also driven to the consideration of my past conduct in the light of my present experience. I then made apologies one after another for my past failures. In some instances this was perfectly proper; but again I was driven to such extremes that I scarcely had any peace. The natural result was that I watched every word and act so carefully that often I was afraid to smile, for fear I might laugh at the wrong time. I was so busy watching myself that I did not get much enjoyment out of my religious experience. Indeed, the standard I set for myself was so rigid that I speedily came into bondage. I was unhappy myself and made others unhappy about me. However, I had no intention of going back into sin.
BECOMING ASCETIC
I took a great interest in reading religious books and papers. Although doubtless the motives of those who wrote these were high and noble, and their sole aim and purpose was to further the interests of God's kingdom on earth, yet some of these productions were written in such a manner as to cause a conscientious soul to feel that it is almost impossible for an ordinary person to reach a standard of experience and life such as they set up. My natural tendency, however, impelled me to try in my weak way to pattern after the most rigid examples. I noticed that some of the characters mentioned were given to much fasting and to abstinence from all except the very plainest of foods. My tendency toward extremes again asserted itself, and sometimes I felt condemned for enjoying even a wholesome meal. I remember one occasion when I worried because I had indulged in eating a reasonable amount of meat which was pleasing to my taste.
The last year I was in school these morbid tendencies reached their climax. I had read of devoted men in the ministry who had labored so zealously that they allowed themselves only six hours sleep. Besides their daily tasks, which were enormous, some of these men had spent as long as two hours each day in private devotions. I tried to force myself to this rigid routine, besides keeping up with my classes in the university. Almost every night religious services were held either in the chapel or in some cottage. On Sunday there were four and sometimes five services. Of course, I felt duty bound to attend all of these, besides keeping up daily my two hours of private devotions. Sometimes I was obliged to lose a part of the six hours allotted for sleep, in order to carry out this rigid program I had set for myself. Not only did I suffer from exhaustion induced by the constant and heavy strain; but if I happened to fail in spending the full two hours in prayer or in reading the Scriptures, I would sometimes be so terribly accused that I would resort to a public confession of my "neglect," and once I went to the public altar under accusation that was largely due to this very cause.
I had heard a great deal, also, concerning our obligation to do personal work and threw myself into this phase of Christian activity. Of course, I soon went to extremes. If I happened to be in the company of some one for a short time and failed to speak to him about his soul's welfare, I was likely to be dreadfully accused for gross neglect of duty. Under such circumstances it was hard for me to testify, because the accuser could always find some "neglect" or "oversight" with which to trouble me. On the other hand, I was afraid not to testify lest I should soon be hopelessly backslidden if I neglected this duty. So I finally drifted into the habit of silently asking God's forgiveness for any possible "neglect" in any way, just before rising to testify, so as to make sure that I was in a proper condition to witness for the Lord. All this was exceedingly wearing on my whole being.
A MORBID CONSCIENCE
At last my conscience became so morbid that every sermon I heard and every religious book or tract I read was at once compared with my experience to see if I lacked in even the lightest details. I happened to read of one devoted man who literally gave all his possessions to the Lord's work. Immediately I thought of the small amount of money that I had with which to pay my winter's tuition in the university. It was not quite enough to pay all my expenses, and yet when I would decide that I could not give my "all" to the Lord's work, terrible accusations would crush me down until it seemed that my reason itself would become unbalanced. In my despair, I opened up my heart to a trusted friend, and he showed me that this was clearly an accusation from Satan and should be entirely ignored. All these things told sadly on my mental and physical condition, so that when the school year ended and I returned home to my friends, they were very much disappointed in me. Finally they became alarmed at my morbid condition.
OBTAINING RELIEF
Satan at last overdid himself; and by the help of kind friends, I discerned his devices and the extremes to which I had been driven. Once the following lines were quoted to me: "If you want to be distracted, look about you; if you would be miserable, look within; but if you would be happy, look to Jesus." These I shall never forget. A friend also pointed out the fact that I was constantly feeling my spiritual pulse. He said that this was just as detrimental to my spiritual condition as the constant counting of heart-beats would be to my physical health. Just as a patient would be likely to imagine himself afflicted with heart-trouble, so the same habit in the spiritual realm would, if continually indulged, prove disastrous to constant peace and victory.
It took some time to throw off entirely the "straight jacket" which had been imposed upon me; but by patient persistence, with God's grace, I was made an overcomer. I was taught to discern the difference between accusations and the workings of the Spirit of God. The voice of the accuser is harsh, cruel, nagging, or exacting; God's Spirit is mild, gentle, and encouraging. When God's Spirit reveals anything, it is made clear and plain. The accuser bewilders, confuses, and discourages. I also learned that our kind heavenly Father is not watching for an opportunity to cast us off, but rather he is seeking by the wooings of his gentle Spirit to lead us into green pastures and beside the still waters, where we may nourish our souls and become strong to meet the battles and trials of life. He will show us our shortcomings, but not in a way that will discourage or crush us.
Oftentimes while I was under such crushing accusations, the tempter would say, "How can you ever hope to preach the gospel, when you are so unsettled in your own experience?" One day there came to my mind the scripture in Eph. 3:20, which says that he is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can ask or think. I decided that in some way God would work out his purpose concerning my life if I would patiently serve him to the best of my knowledge and ability.
INHERITED DISPOSITION TO WORRY
Another lesson I needed to learn was to trust God with the future. I was naturally inclined to worry. For several generations back my ancestors on one side of my family tree had been given to excessive worry, their condition at times bordering on utter despondency. I was painfully conscious of this