Riches of Grace: A Compilation of Experiences in the Christian Life. E. E. Byrum
inheritance in my constitutional make-up. In my morbid imagination, nearly every threatening trouble was magnified to the proportion of a dreadful disaster. Many an hour, and even days, I wasted in useless worry. Perhaps not one tenth of my gloomy forebodings ever materialized.
FACING A NERVOUS COLLAPSE
In order to teach me more thoroughly the lesson of trust, the Lord permitted me to pass through a peculiar and severe trial. As I looked forward to the time when I hoped to take up the active work of the ministry, I had a great desire to be at my best in every way. I had hoped to be in good health so that I might be able to bear the strain of the work and to meet every emergency that might arise. But just as I was about ready to enter upon my life's mission, I found my health breaking and myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown. This was indeed a keen disappointment to me. My sufferings at times seemed almost intolerable. I could not understand it: I longed so much to be of real service to God and to accomplish what I regarded as my life-work—the ministry.
Although the prospects seemed gloomy and my friends expected a complete breakdown in my health, yet I determined to go forward in the name of the Lord and to do the best I could. I even began to fear that my reason would be dethroned. However, I said nothing about my condition to my congregation, but sought to be a blessing to them in every way. I finally tried to form the habit of beginning each day with a season of thanksgiving for all the blessings I could think of. This proved to be very helpful.
RELIEVED BY HELPING OTHERS
Some days were more trying than others. While passing through the severest tests I learned that it was very helpful to look for some other tried or tempted ones and do my best to cheer and comfort them. Just a few doors from where I roomed was a lady past middle age, who had been a sufferer for eleven years. She had been helpless during the greater part of that time. I went to see her often and did what I could to lighten her burdens. She knew nothing of my sufferings, however. She was so grateful for everything I did for her, and the Lord's presence was so real every time I talked or prayed with her that invariably I was abundantly helped in the very efforts put forth to cheer and comfort her. Sometimes my heart carried an almost intolerable burden; but after a call in this home of affliction, my burden would grow light and I would sometimes wonder which had been helped the more, she or I. Also, when I considered what she had endured for so long, I was ashamed to tolerate anything like discontent concerning my own lot, which, though seemingly so hard at times, was so much better and easier, in some respects at least, than hers.
There were times when, to add to my sufferings, Satan would bring against me accusations that I could not have borne without special help from God. Often the old temptations to doubt my experience of salvation would return with tremendous force, and if I had listened to the enemy's suggestions, I should have cast aside my experience in spite of all that God had ever done for me. The accuser would sometimes begin by suggesting that I had never been truly sanctified. (I obtained the experience of entire sanctification soon after entering the work of the ministry.) Then the enemy would become more bold and would suggest, "You know that you have often had serious doubts concerning your experience of justification, and after all, perhaps you have never been truly converted."
After annoying and distressing me in this manner, Satan would fling at me such taunts as these: "You are a pretty example of a minister who is supposed to be truly called and qualified of God to preach his Word." Many times I would have a conflict like this just before rising to preach. If I had given way to feelings, I would rather have sought some place of quiet seclusion than to have faced the waiting congregation before me. But then the thought would come, "Perhaps in the congregation there are tempted and tried souls who need special help"; and so I would decide to preach, not according to how I felt, but according to actual knowledge of God's Word, which is ever unchanging. It seemed that whenever I was most severely tried in this manner, I would get the greatest victory and blessing by moving out in the performance of whatever duty confronted me. Indeed, I do not remember a single instance when I failed to preach at the appointed hour on account of the state of my feelings.
I sometimes wondered why the conflict was so long, for I suffered thus month after month. Sometimes I comforted myself with the thought that some day death would bring relief; but I learned at last that God was only permitting these sufferings in order to refine the gold. My best and most helpful sermons were preached while I was in the very midst of the deepest suffering.
BECOMING RECONCILED
At last I came to realize that it mattered not so much, after all, how much I suffered, just so the people whom I served were helped and blessed; that true blessedness in life does not consist in freedom from suffering, but in accomplishing one's mission in the world according to the divine plan.
CHRIST MORE REAL
Some of my most precious seasons of fellowship with Christ were experienced, when, in the absence of all feeling, except that of severe suffering, I would say by faith alone, "Thou, O Christ, art by my side. Thou wilt never leave me nor forsake me." At last I accustomed myself to believe his presence was real in spite of my feelings, so that by faith I could almost imagine him at my side. As I walked, it seemed that we kept step together; as I faced my congregations, he stood by my side, unseen of course by physical eyes, but under such circumstances the natural eyes can not be compared with the spiritual sight for clearness of vision. I then learned what Paul meant to express when he said, "While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal" (2 Cor. 4:18). "Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory" (1 Pet. 1:8).
SOME LESSONS LEARNED
Thus my trials and hardships taught me that a genuine experience of salvation is obtained, as well as maintained, not by working up some great feeling or emotion, but by simple, trusting faith in God, and implicit obedience to his Word.
I found that our God is a loving Father and not a hard taskmaster. "Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him" (Psa. 103:13). Neither does he require us to do anything that is unreasonable. "I beseech you, therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service" (Rom. 12:1).
I also learned that the true test of our Christian experience is not the state of our feelings, but the power to resist temptation, to keep sweet under severe trials, and to manifest the meek and gentle spirit of the Master. I learned, moreover, that the Lord is not anxious to cast us off for every little failure, but is long-suffering and patient with us as long as we have a sincere aim and purpose to please him in all things. I learned more fully the secret of "casting all my care upon him," knowing that "all things work together for good to them that love God" (Rom. 8:28).
The last few years of my life have been marked by great victory in my experience. The former trials through which I passed have increased my usefulness by helping me to be more unselfish. I wondered at the time why God permitted such trials and sufferings; but now as I look back upon the past, I see that I could not afford to be without the discipline and training which those severe trials brought