Dancing To Happiness. Marisa Santi
also slimmed down. Take care!>> she says, hugging me with affection. Time to say goodbye and she went away leaving me upset and thoughtful.
Returning home, Roberta meets Max and decides to talk to him about the conversation she had with her friend just a moment ago, about Isabel’s strange attitudes and about her presumed doubts. They both suppose that there’s the likelihood that Isabel is falling in love with the handsome Matthias.
It’s night but I can not sleep. Max continues to be angry with me, Robbie is all over me and asks me impossible favours, I’m tired, I have many important things on which I have to focus and they give me no respite. Don’t they realize that I’m at a delicate phase? I’m about to have a nervous breakdown! Then there is Matthias, yeah, Matthias... At this time I’d like to leave for another galaxy!
I don’t know what to do. My head is about to explode with all this thinking.
If I could I’d go on a mountain top and I’d scream with all my strength Matthias is right, I must concentrate on one thing at a time. Now the ballet school is important. Stop thinking about Max and Robbie’s bullshit! I curl up under the blanket and finally my eyelids begin to get heavy. I just want to sleep and not to think about anything and anybody.
V
Walking lightheartedly towards home, some screams draw my attention. I recognise Matthias’ voice, I look towards the direction from which the yells come and I witness an unpleasant scene. At the front door there’s him who is arguing with two men with a dodgy face. Without anyone noticing it I stop to understand what they might want from him; but when Matthias notices my presence he asks me in an aggressive way to leave them alone. This attitude caught me off guard, I have never heard him use that tone of voice before, especially with me. I say nothing and look at him in a bad way, although in reality I wanted to insult him heavily. How dare he address me in this way? What have I done to be treated thus? I’m furious but at the same time worried. Those fellows make the skin crawl. I hope he doesn’t work with such kind of people or even worse that he hangs out with them. Surely it’s not like that. I don’t see him going around with that kind of people. Who are they? What do they want from him?
My curiosity thunders, I have a strong desire to go to him and to bombard him with questions. I don’t do it not to seem nosy and above all I don’t do it for pride. He could use other manners! I stay all the afternoon in my bedroom to study and to avoid meeting him. But my concern gets the better of my intentions. After all is said and done he has always been there for me when I needed it. I arm myself with strength and courage and I go towards his bedroom. Now or never!
Despite my legs tremble I decide to knock on the door of Matthias’ bedroom.
<<Come in>> he says with a calm tone of voice.
<<Forgive me if I turn up here, I don’t want to seem intrusive or indiscreet, but I wanted to talk to you about what happened today out here.>> Matthias listens but he doesn’t look at me.
<<Do you remember when a little time ago I was depressed and you were there for me? Well, I owe it to you; so if you want to let off steam or distract yourself, I’m here for you.>>
<<Actually, I was just coming to get you to apologise to you. I realised that I have been an asshole, I treated you badly for nothing. Forgive me but I was very nervous because of those two men who were there with me.>>
<<Do you want to talk about it?>> I ask, hoping of being able to bring back the smile on his beautiful face, but also to have some answers.
<<I’m sorry, Isabel, but I don’t want to talk about it now. I swear that I’ll do it as soon as I’ll be more relaxed. You’ll be the first one to whom I’ll tell everything.>>
I remain puzzled and disappointed that he doesn’t want to open himself up to me. I nod to let him know that I understand.
Finally he raises his wonderful eyes towards me, takes my hand and pulls me towards him. <<Come on, sit down and tell me how your plans for the future evolve.>> he says making me sit beside him on his bed.
Good Lord! Staying so close to him is a torture. I immediately move the mischievous thoughts away from my mind and breathing deeply I reconnect my brain. I came here because I wanted some answers and instead he clearly changes the subject to avoid me to make him other questions to which he doesn’t want to answer. He will certainly think that I’m nosy! I accept his discretion in keeping his thoughts to himself and answer: <<All right, thanks!>>
<<And how is you friend Roberta? It’s some time since I’ve seen her.>>
Why does he ask me it? I realized that I stiffened and pretending not to notice anything I answer without dwelling too much: <<She’s fine, thanks! You know, actually I should ask you something from her. It’s already a few days that she asked me it but I never had a chance to do it. She would like to know if you want to spend some time with her. You could go out together one evening; she would love it very much.>>
I don’t know why but I have a fucking fear of his answer. My blood is boiling and I would never have asked it. I’m an emeritus idiot! I’d rather crash to the ground than see Matthias with another woman, much less with my best friend!
<<Roberta is very pretty, but my heart and my thoughts belong to another woman.>> Matthias answers looking down at the floor.
Suddenly I have a tachycardia attack. I can not even look at him, I just want to get out of this fucking bedroom.
Roberta is absolutely right; I fell in love with Matthias since the first moment I saw him. From the very moment he came into my life, I was enchanted by him and then little by little I began to feel something deeper. The only thought that he could be connected with another woman hurts me. I would have never entered into his bedroom. I try to hold on for not making anything leak. Without looking at him to prevent him from noticing my frame of mind, I spell out: <<I understand, forgive me for the intrusiveness!>>
To avoid showing him my sadness, I say a trivial excuse to get out of this miserable situation: <<Forgive me again for having infringed on your privacy, I have to go help my mother for dinner, now.>>
<<Don’t worry, thanks for asking, Isabel. Remember that you can come here and talk to me whenever you want!>>
<<Thank you.>> I whisper.
I go out the door, breath deeply and rush to my bedroom to suffer in silence and far from prying eyes.
I don’t know how many hours I’m locked here crying, I feel emptied, I have not even come down for dinner. Now that I have the awareness that I’m in love with Matthias I don’t know what to do. How can I get him out of my head? I can’t believe he loves another woman. Who’s she? Isabel, you are very idiot! How could you even think for a moment that a guy like that could not have someone? I realize that actually I know nothing about him. How could this happen? Why did I fall in love with him? He is so unattainable, incomprehensible and with a fluctuating mood. Look who’s talking! My mood also is unstable lately. I begin to understand the reason of my disquiet. In recent months I have not fixed points. Am I in love with Max? I don’t know... I’m attached to him but I have never felt with him what I feel when I look at or think of Matthias. Max has always been my friend. Can it really be that I have agreed to get engaged to him only because of exhaustion? At the beginning I was happy, at least I believe it. We were often in touch but it’s also true that most of the time it has always been him who bended over backwards for me. I like him physically, he has a wonderful smile and in the past he made me feel safe in his arms. I feel like shit towards him. I have to get Matthias off my mind! Come back on planet Earth, Isabel! You are engaged to a man who loves you and would do anything for you! Poor Max, I’m hurting his feelings. From tomorrow onwards I must avoid Matthias and I must only think about passing my last exams and realizing my dream.
VI
My parents have organised for me a surprise party to help me find some peace of mind and to gratify me for the