The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter. Petronius Arbiter
a distance to a chappel, which they entred, whence we heard an odd humming kind of noise, as if it came from the hollow of a cave: Curiosity also made us go in after them, where we saw a number of women, as mad as they had been sacrificing to Bacchus, and each of them an amulet (the ensign of Priapus) in her hand. More than that we could not get to see; for they no sooner perceived us, than they set up such a shout, that the roof of the temple shook agen, and withal endeavoured to lay hands on us; but we scamper'd and made what haste we could to the inn.
Nor had we sooner stuff'd our selves with the supper Gito had got for us, when a more than ordinary bounce at the door, put us into another fright; and when we, pale as death, ask'd who was there, 'twas answer'd, "Open the door and you'll see:" While we were yet talking, the bolt drop'd off, and the door flew open, on which, a woman with her head muffl'd came in upon us, but the same who a little before had stood by the country-man in the market: "And what," said she, "do you think to put a trick upon me? I am Quartilla's maid, whose sacred recess you so lately disturb'd: she is at the inn-gate and desires to speak with ye: not that she either taxes your inadvertency, or has a mind to so resent it, but rather wonders, what god brought such civil gentlemen into her quarters."
We were silent as yet, and gave her the hearing, but inclin'd to neither part of what she had said, when in came Quartilla herself, attended with a young girl, and sitting down by me, fell a weeping: nor here also did we offer a word, but stood expecting what those tears at command meant. At last when the showre had emptied it self, she disdainfully turn'd up her hood and clinching her fingers together, till the joints were ready to crack, "What impudence," said she, "is this? or where learnt ye those shamms, and that slight of hand ye have so lately been beholding to? By my faith, young men, I am sorry for ye; for no one beheld what was unlawful for him to see, and went off unpunisht: and verily our part of the town has so many deities, you'll sooner find a god than a man in't: And that you may not think I came hither to be revenged on ye, I am more concern'd for your youth, than the injury ye have done me: for unawares, as I yet think, ye have committed an unexpiable abomination.
"For my part it troubled me all night, and threw me into such a shaking, that I was afraid I had gotten a tertian, on which I took somewhat to have made me sleep; but the god appeared to me, and commanded me to rise and find ye out, as the likeliest way to take off the violence of the fit. But I am not so much in pain for a remedy, as that a greater anguish strikes me to the heart, and will undoubtedly make an end of me, for fear in one of your youthful frolicks, you should disclose what you saw in Priapus's chappel, and utter the counsels of the gods among the people. Low as your knees, I therefore lift my hands t'ye, that ye neither make sport of our night-worship, nor dishonour the mysteries of so many years, which, 'tis not every one, even among our selves, that knows."
After this she fell a crying again, and with many a pittiful groan, fell flat on my bed: when I at the same time, between pity and fear, bid her take courage and assure her self of both; for that we would neither divulge those holy mysteries; nor if the god had prescribed her any other remedy fot her ague, be wanting our selves to assist providence, even with our own hazard.
At this promise of mine, becoming more chearful, she fell a kissing me thick and threefold, and turning the humour of tears into laughing, she comb'd up some hair that hung over my face with her fingers, and, "I come to a truce with ye," said she, "and discharge ye of the process I intended against you: but if ye shou'd refuse me the medicine I entreat of ye for the ague, I have fellows enough will be ready by to morrow, that shall both vindicate my reputation, and revenge the affront ye put upon me.
"Contempt's dishono'rable, and the giver rude,
T'advise the doctor, speaks the patient proud:
But l am mistress of my self so far,
I can pay scorn with scorn without a war:
The wise revenge is to neglect the ill,
They're not the only conquerours that kill."
Then clapping her hands together, she turn'd off to so violent a laughter, that made us apprehensive of some design against us; the same also did the woman that came in first, and the girl that came with her; but so mimically, that seeing no reason for so sudden a change, we one while star'd on one another, and otherwhile on the woman.
At length, quoth Quartilla, "I have commanded, that no flesh alive be suffered to come into this inn to day; that I may receive from you the medicine for the ague without interruption."
At what time Ascyltos was a little amaz'd, and I so chill'd that I had not power to utter a word: But the company gave me heart not to expect worse, for they were but three women, and if they had any design, must yet be too weak to effect it against us, who if we had nothing more of man about us, had yet that figure to befriend us: We were all girt up for the purpose, and I had so contriv'd the couples, that if it must come to a rancounter, I was to make my part good with Quartilla, Ascyltos with her woman, and Gito the girl.
While I was thus casting the matter in my head, Quartilla came up to me, to cure me of the ague, but finding her self disappointed, flew off in a rage, and returning in a little while, told us, there were certain persons unknown, had a design upon us, and therefore commanded to remove us into a noble palace.
Here all our courage fail'd us, and nothing but certain death seem'd to appear before us.
Then I began, "If, madam, you design to be more severe with us, be yet so kind as to dispatch it quickly; for whate'er our offence be, it is not so hainous that we ought to be rack'd to death for it": Upon which her woman, whose name was Psyche, spread a coverlet on the floor, Sollicitavit inguina mea mille iam mortibus frigida. Ascyltos muffled his head in his coat, as having had a hint given him, how dangerous it was to take notice of what did not concern him. In the mean time Psyche took off her garters, and with one of them bound my feet, and with the other my hands.
Thus fetter'd as I lay, "This, madam," said I, "is not the way to rid you of your ague." "I grant it," answer'd Psyche, "but I have a Dose at hand will infallibly do it" and therefore brought me a lusty bowl of satyricon, (a love-potion) and so merrily ran over the wonderful effects of it, that I had well-nigh suck'd it all off; but because Ascyltos had slighted her courtship, she finding his back towards her, threw the bottom of it on him.
Ascyltos perceiving the chat was at an end, "Am not I worthy," said he, "to get a sup?" And Psyche fearing my laughter might discover her, clapped her hands, and told him, "Young-man I made you an offer of it, but your friend here has drunk it all out."
"Is it so," quoth Quartilla, smiling very agreeably, "and has Ercolpius gugg'd it all down?" At last also even Gito laught for company, at what time the young wench flung her arms about his neck, and meeting no resistance, half smother'd him with kisses.
We would have cry'd out, but there was no one near to help us; and as I was offering to bid 'em keep the peace, Psyche fell a nipping and pricking me with her bodkin: on the other side also, the young wench half stifled Ascyltos with a dish-clout she had rubb'd in the bowl.
Lastly came leaping upon us a burdash, in a rough mantle stuck with myrtle, girt about him; and one while almost ground our hipps to powder with his bobbing at us, and other while slobber'd us with his nasty kisses; till Quartilla, holding her staff of office in her hand, discharg'd us of the service; but not without having first taken an oath of us, that so dreadful a secret should go no further than our selves. Then came in a company of wrestlers, and rubb'd us over with the yolk of an egg beaten to oil: When being somewhat refresh'd, we put on our right gowns, and were led into the next room, that had three beds in it, all well appointed, and the rest of the entertainment as splendidly set out. The word was given, and we sate down, when having whet our appetites with an excellent antipast, we swill'd our selves with the choicest of wine; nor was it long e'er we fell a nodding. "It is so," quoth Quartilla; "can ye sleep when ye know it is the vigil to Priapus?" at what time Ascyltos snor'd so soundly, that Psyche, not yet forgeting the disapointment, he gave her, all besooted his face, and scor'd down his shoulders with a burnt sticks end.
Plagu'd with these mischiefs, I hardly got the least wink of sleep, nor was the whole family, whether within doors or without, in a much better condition, some lay up and down at our feet, others had run their