Oscar Wilde: The Complete Works. Knowledge house
pulpits I am told: and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name of Ernest. There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence. The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.
jack
You really love me, Gwendolen?
gwendolen
Passionately!
jack
Darling! You don’t know how happy you’ve made me.
gwendolen
My own Ernest!
jack
But you don’t really mean to say that you couldn’t love me if my name wasn’t Ernest?
·27· gwendolen
But your name is Ernest.
jack
Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you mean to say you couldn’t love me then?
gwendolen
[Glibly.] Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them.
jack
Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don’t much care about the name of Ernest … I don’t think the name suits me at all.
gwendolen
It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. It produces vibrations.
jack
Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name.
·28· gwendolen
Jack? … No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations…. I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment’s solitude. The only really safe name is Ernest.
jack
Gwendolen, I must get christened at once—I mean we must get married at once. There is no time to be lost.
gwendolen
Married, Mr. Worthing?
jack
[Astounded.] Well … surely. You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me.
gwendolen
I adore you. But you haven’t proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subject has not even been touched on.
·29· jack
Well … may I propose to you now?
gwendolen
I think it would be an admirable opportunity. And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly beforehand that I am fully determined to accept you.
jack
Gwendolen!
gwendolen
Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me?
jack
You know what I have got to say to you.
gwendolen
Yes, but you don’t say it.
jack
Gwendolen, will you marry me? [Goes on his knees.]
gwendolen
Of course I will, darling. How long you have been about it! I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose.
·30· jack
My own one, I have never loved anyone in the world but you.
gwendolen
Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my brother Gerald does. All my girl-friends tell me so. What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest! They are quite, quite, blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present.
[Enter Lady Bracknell.]
lady bracknell
Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous.
gwendolen
Mamma! [He tries to rise; she restrains him.] I must beg you to retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet.
lady bracknell
Finished what, may I ask?
gwendolen
I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma. [They rise together.]
·31· lady bracknell
Pardon me, you are not engaged to anyone. When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself…. And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing. While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage.
gwendolen
[Reproachfully.] Mamma!
lady bracknell
In the carriage, Gwendolen! [Gwendolen goes to the door. She and Jack blow kisses to each other behind Lady Bracknell’s back. Lady Bracknell looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was. Finally turns round.] Gwendolen, the carriage!
gwendolen
Yes, mamma. [Goes out, looking back at Jack.]
lady bracknell
[Sitting down.] You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing.
[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.]
·32· jack
Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.
lady bracknell
[Pencil and note-book in hand.] I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke?
jack
Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.
lady bracknell
I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is. How old are you?
jack
Twenty-nine.
lady bracknell
A very good age to be married at. I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know?
·33· jack
[After some hesitation.] I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.
lady bracknell
I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate