Oscar Wilde: The Complete Works. Knowledge house
that Memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume novels that Mudie sends us.
miss prism
Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily. I wrote one myself in earlier days.
cecily
Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully clever you are! I hope it did not end happily? I don’t like novels that end happily. They depress me so much.
miss prism
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
cecily
I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. And was your novel ever published?
miss prism
Alas! no. The manuscript unfortunately was abandoned. I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid. To your work, child, these speculations are profitless.
cecily
[Smiling.] But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the garden.
·59· miss prism
[Rising and advancing.] Dr. Chasuble! This is indeed a pleasure.
[Enter Canon Chasuble.]
chasuble
And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, you are, I trust, well?
cecily
Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. I think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble.
miss prism
Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache.
cecily
No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a headache. Indeed I was thinking about that, and not about my German lesson, when the Rector came in.
chasuble
I hope Cecily, you are not inattentive.
cecily
Oh, I am afraid I am.
·60· chasuble
That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism’s pupil, I would hang upon her lips. [Miss Prism glares.] I spoke metaphorically.—My metaphor was drawn from bees. Ahem! Mr. Worthing I suppose, has not returned from town yet?
miss prism
We do not expect him till Monday afternoon.
chasuble
Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London. He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to be. But I must not disturb Egeria and her pupil any longer.
miss prism
Egeria? My name is Lætitia, Doctor.
chasuble
[Bowing.] A classical allusion merely, drawn from the Pagan authors. I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong?
miss prism
I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you. I find I have a headache after all, and a walk might do it good.
·61· chasuble
With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. We might go as far as the schools and back.
miss prism
That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your Political Economy in my absence. The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side.
[Goes down the garden with Dr. Chasuble.]
cecily
[Picks up books and throws them back on table.] Horrid Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid German!
[Enter Merriman with a card on a salver.]
merriman
Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He has brought his luggage with him.
cecily
[Takes the card and reads it.] “Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4 The Albany, W.” Uncle Jack’s brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town?
·62· merriman
Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment.
cecily
Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him.
merriman
Yes, Miss. [Merriman goes off.]
cecily
I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like everyone else.
[Enter Algernon, very gay and debonnair.]
He does!
algernon
[Raising his hat.] You are my little cousin Cecily, I’m sure.
cecily
You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall for my age. [Algernon is rather taken aback.] But I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from your ·63· card, are Uncle Jack’s brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest.
algernon
Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. You mustn’t think that I am wicked.
cecily
If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.
algernon
[Looks at her in amazement.] Oh! Of course I have been rather reckless.
cecily
I am glad to hear it.
algernon
In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.
cecily
I don’t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.
algernon
It is much pleasanter being here with you.
·64· cecily
I can’t understand how you are here at all. Uncle Jack won’t be back till Monday afternoon.
algernon
That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning. I have a business appointment that I am anxious … to miss.
cecily
Couldn’t you miss it anywhere but in London. [E: London?]
algernon
No: the appointment is in London.
cecily
Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives. I know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating.
algernon
About my what?
cecily