Oscar Wilde: The Complete Works. Knowledge house
emigrating. He has gone up to buy your outfit.
·65· algernon
I certainly wouldn’t let Jack buy my outfit. He has no taste in neckties at all.
cecily
I don’t think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia.
algernon
Australia! I’d sooner die.
cecily
Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia.
algernon
Oh, well! The accounts I have received of Australia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging. This world is good enough for me, cousin Cecily.
cecily
Yes, but are you good enough for it?
algernon
I’m afraid I’m not that. That is why I want you to reform me. You might make that your mission, if you don’t mind, cousin Cecily.
·66· cecily
I’m afraid I’ve no time, this afternoon.
algernon
Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon?
cecily
It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think you should try.
algernon
I will. I feel better already.
cecily
You are looking a little worse.
algernon
That is because I am hungry.
cecily
How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals. Won’t you come in?
algernon
Thank you. Might I have a button-hole first? I never have any appetite unless I have a button-hole first.
·67· cecily
A Maréchale Niel? [Picks up scissors.]
algernon
No, I’d sooner have a pink rose.
cecily
Why? [Cuts a flower.]
algernon
Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily.
cecily
I don’t think it can be right for you to talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such things to me.
algernon
Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady. [Cecily puts the rose in his button-hole.] You are the prettiest girl I ever saw.
cecily
Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.
algernon
They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in.
·68· cecily
Oh! I don’t think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn’t know what to talk to him about.
[They pass into the house. Miss Prism and Dr. Chasuble return.]
miss prism
You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. You should get married. A misanthrope I can understand—a womanthrope, never!
chasuble
[With a scholar’s shudder.] Believe me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase. The precept as well as the practice of the Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony.
miss prism
[Sententiously.] That is obviously the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day. And you do not seem to realize, dear Doctor, that by persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation. Men should be more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels astray.
chasuble
But is a man not equally attractive when married?
·69· miss prism
No married man is ever attractive except to his wife.
chasuble
And often, I’ve been told, not even to her.
miss prism
That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman. Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness can be trusted. Young women are green. [Dr. Chasuble starts.] I spoke horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn from fruits. But where is Cecily?
chasuble
Perhaps she followed us to the schools.
[Enter Jack slowly from the back of the garden. He is dressed in the deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves.]
miss prism
Mr. Worthing!
chasuble
Mr. Worthing?
miss prism
This is indeed a surprise. We did not look for you till Monday afternoon.
·70· jack
[Shakes Miss Prism’s hand in a tragic manner.] I have returned sooner than I expected. Dr. Chasuble, I hope you are well?
chasuble
Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not betoken some terrible calamity?
jack
My brother.
miss prism
More shameful debts and extravagance?
chasuble
Still leading his life of pleasure?
jack
[Shaking his head.] Dead!
chasuble
Your brother Ernest dead?
jack
Quite dead.
miss prism
What a lesson for him! I trust he will profit by it.
·71· chasuble
Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence. You have at least the consolation of knowing that you were always the most generous and forgiving of brothers.
jack
Poor Ernest! He had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blow.
chasuble
Very sad indeed. Were you with him at the end?
jack
No. He died abroad; in Paris, in fact. I had a telegram last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel.
chasuble
Was the cause of death mentioned?
jack
A severe chill, it seems.
miss prism
As a man sows, so shall he reap.
chasuble
[Raising his hand.] Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity! None of us are perfect. I myself am ·72· peculiarly susceptible to draughts. Will