Real and Phantom Pains: An Anthology of New Russian Drama. John Freedman
a coupla different kinds of crosses. I didn’t want anything ostentatious, nothing with gold chains, you know
MANIAC: Well, that one’s just right
SNOWFLAKE: I always sit and cry when I watch that film. God, I love it
MANIAC: Are you macho?
BLIZZARD: Macho sometimes. You gotta always be ready. I can turn on the tough-guy
SNOWFLAKE: Over 35, smart. No, I don’t admit the possibility of a man without brains
BLIZZARD: Sometimes I’m as soft as a baby’s kiss
LENOCHKA (Looking at BUSHY-TAIL): A whole utopia of feminine innocence and female infantility
BLIZZARD: I’m a prince. Really. In fact.
MANIAC: Weak, jumpy and jaded
LENOCHKA: You have to awaken men’s pity. You know? But as a child, not as a woman. Make them want to feed you, put you to bed, kiss you tenderly on the forehead and rub iodine on your banged-up knees
BUSHY-TAIL: Why?
LENOCHKA: That’s what all women want
BLIZZARD: And men
MANIAC: Everybody wants back in the womb
BUSHY-TAIL: Yesterday a couple got married at our church. They were really young. They were all surrounded by little kids and then all the old women ran up to congratulate them. It was really beautiful
MANIAC: A woman’s imagination is excited by a prince on a white horse and a wedding with fleurs d’orange at 20, at 30 and at 60
LENOCHKA: Which is entirely natural
MANIAC (Sniffing the air): And howling winds blow the sands of Morocco past our faces
BUSHY-TAIL: It smells just like autumn leaves
LENOCHKA: Only don’t start smoking here
SNOWFLAKE: If you smoke next to her you are liable to be blinded by a flash of bright light. You can be injured or burned
MANIAC: I’ve finally figured it out. I’m going to be a homosexual
LENOCHKA: Why do you say that?
SNOWFLAKE: Don’t accept sin into your heart
MANIAC: You’re not going to be jealous of men, are you?
SNOWFLAKE (In MANIAC’s direction): Only don’t be obsessive about it
BLIZZARD: We’ll just try it on for size
(VOLODYA’s apartment. The alarm clock rings. VOLODYA gets up, washes, does his exercises. Turns on the iron, irons his shirt and his pants, checking the folds on his pants leg.
The street. MANIAC, SNOWSTORM and BLIZZARD. They smoke. It’s snowing. It’s cold. Snowstorm has stripped off his shirt, baring his breast to the elements. Steam rises from his body.)
MANIAC (Clapping BLIZZARD on his bald head): Looks good on you. You’re the man
BLIZZARD: That’s not what’s important
SNOWSTORM: What’s important for you?
BLIZZARD: I myself don’t know. (Looks over his life line.) The funniest thing about it is – my life line really does break off. It used to be really long and all normal, but now it’s like there’s this white spot all over my palm
MANIAC: Oh, screw that
SNOWSTORM: Go wash your hands
BLIZZARD: Easy for you to say
SNOWSTORM: Nobody’s got a guarantee
BLIZZARD: You’ve gotta be ready for death at any moment
MANIAC: Now that’s my warrior, that’s my samurai
BLIZZARD: What if Lenochka’s a sorceress? She’s got a really heavy eye
MANIAC: Have you ever noticed her eyes are different colors?
SNOWSTORM: Like David Bowie
BLIZZARD: Come on, get off it. It’s time to get back to the grindstone (Heads back in the other direction.)
MANIAC: Only please don’t be late
BLIZZARD (Digs through SNOWFLAKE’s purse, spritzes on her perfume): I’m going to make one more strategic move
SNOWFLAKE: Just don’t drown yourself in that stuff
ORANGINA: Who are you doing that for?
BLIZZARD: I have an interview
SNOWFLAKE: Be careful. Never say what you really think
BLIZZARD: Why not?
SNOWFLAKE: Because everything changes so fast
BLIZZARD (He’s all dressed. Tosses keys to SNOWSTORM): I’ll be back around 10 or 12. (To ORANGINA.) Will you get Snowstorm back to my place?
ORANGINA: All right.
MANIAC: Lemme give you a kiss on the forehead
SNOWSTORM: Come on, let’s hit it!
BLIZZARD: This is called taking a leap into reality
PART TWO
AWE
BLIZZARD walks out onto the street. Breathes in the fresh air. Claps himself on the pockets and realizes he forgot his cell phone. Thinks. Decides not to go back. Pulls eye drops out of his pocket and releases drops into his eyes. Wipes off the tears and goes looking for his car. He vaguely remembers where he parked it. Puts on his Gucci sunglasses and checks out the people walking by, hurrying to work in the morning. He smiles at everyone, delights at a simple sunbeam as if he were a paragon of virtue who loves all people and nature too. Big, fat snowflakes hit him in the face.
BLIZZARD: We live in a very severe country. Wherever nature has beauty, it’s a severe beauty. Very severe. If there is friendship, it’s severe. Too. Our people are genuine heroes who live – by living their lives. They are very severe people, I would say they are severe in the extreme. Their life journeys – are very severe. And exalted. No sentimentality. No indulgences. People here have always had hard lives. The guy who founded Moscow. And the guy who founded St. Petersburg. (Smokes. Thinks.) Want me to tell you a story about my life? A real, severe life story. A tale of grief, despair, manic-depressive psychosis, sin, debilitating passions and addictions that have come to us from infernal hell itself. Write it down, give people a chance to read it, a tale of weakness and strength, of tears, my heart, fears, love, Adam and Eve, warmth and cold, black and white. I’ll tell you what real whiteness is; when a man no longer sees his own arms and legs, when the whiteness blinds his eyes and he goes blind, goes blind forever. In order to die right here and be reborn. Pure and innocent. Like the white, newly driven snow.
(BLIZZARD is covered in snow. He comes out of his reverie but can’t find his car. He has no idea where he left it. Keeps looking, finally finds it. Standing next to his Lexus is VOLODYA. He carefully looks over the license plate then carefully looks over BLIZZARD.)
VOLODYA: This your Lexus?
BLIZZARD: Yes
VOLODYA (Shows his badge): May I see your ID?
BLIZZARD: Sure. My pleasure
VOLODYA (Looking over BLIZZARD’s ID): Open up your trunk
(BLIZZARD opens his trunk.
ORANGINA, LENOCHKA, SNOWFLAKE, MANIAC and SNOWSTORM with BUSHY-TAIL. They lie around on rugs and pillows, drink tea from China tea cups and smoke a hookah. The girls’ bared shoulders sparkle with glitter, SNOWSTORM’s head lies on ORANGINA’s stomach, she combs his long locks with her fingers.)
ORANGINA: No matter what you say I’m always the man