Real and Phantom Pains: An Anthology of New Russian Drama. John Freedman
Well, a VJ, actually
VOLODYA (Sighs): A VJ
BLIZZARD: If you let me go I swear I’ll never do it again
VOLODYA: But maybe you will
BLIZZARD: No, I won’t. I mean, I don’t know if I will or I won’t. But I don’t want to
VOLODYA: We’re going to have to search you
BLIZZARD: I don’t have anything on me
VOLODYA: You know for sure you don’t?
BLIZZARD (Thinks): For sure
VOLODYA: If you don’t then maybe I’ll let you go
(MANIAC’s apartment. SNOWFLAKE and MANIAC enter and walk around. They lie down on the bed without taking off their coats or shoes. They are very far from each other. And silent. SNOWFLAKE closes her eyes, it’s like she’s already asleep. MANIAC gets up, turns on the television.)
SNOWFLAKE (Opening her eyes): Oh God, only not that
MANIAC (Turns off the television): What then?
SNOWFLAKE: Well do something. You’re the jaded one. You know what to do in moments like this. You have such intelligent eyes (Smiles. Begins to laugh.)
MANIAC: It’s cold. Listen, it’s cold in here (Wraps himself in a blanket and walks around the room.)
SNOWFLAKE: Want something to drink?
MANIAC: No
SNOWFLAKE: Eat?
MANIAC: No
(Cell phones ring. MANIAC gathers them up and turns them off.)
I’m just not ready to communicate with anyone right now (Walks around, looks through the compact discs and picks one. Turns on some music.)
SNOWFLAKE: Oh, that’s nice. That’s nice
(Maniac lies on the bed. They both lie on the bed listening to music. Silence.)
MANIAC: Transcendental meditation. Quasi-physical state
(SNOWFLAKE smiles, eyes closed.)
Almost like we’re floating. Such clear thoughts. And so noble. Next to that all these body movements don’t mean a thing.
SNOWFLAKE: More illusions
MANIAC: It’s been like that for ages. People have known that forever. Our feeble minds can’t get a grasp
SNOWFLAKE: Beethoven?
MANIAC: Beethoven
SNOWFLAKE: He’s so good
(They lie there listening to Beethoven.
BLIZZARD and VOLODYA riding in a police car. They look at each other.)
BLIZZARD: What’s your name?
VOLODYA: Volodya
BLIZZARD: How old are you?
VOLODYA: Twenty-five
BLIZZARD: Say, Volodya, why did you single me out?
VOLODYA: Your eyes
(They look each other in the eyes.)
BLIZZARD: I’ve seen you somewhere, but I don’t remember where
VOLODYA: Your face is familiar, too, for some reason
BLIZZARD: Maybe on TV?
VOLODYA: I don’t watch TV
BLIZZARD: Why not?
VOLODYA: Why should I?
(The street. ORANGINA and SNOWSTORM get out of a taxi, go up the stairs, get into the elevator. Their bodies frequently touch – knees, hands – but it’s always by accident. This continues to embarrass ORANGINA as they approach her apartment. ORANGINA is in the full bloom of a crush. She blushes constantly. SNOWSTORM is sweeping her, sweeping her, sweeping her off her feet.)
SNOWSTORM: I once rented an apartment next to St. Isaac’s Cathedral. We dropped a couple of tabs. Basically, popped one or two tabs too many. I headed into the shower but it turned out to be a window. I wasn’t used to the place, you know. Fortunately it was on the first floor. I busted out the window and I’m walking around naked, dripping blood. I went out on the square and struck up a conversation with God. We had a long talk there that day.
ORANGINA: And then what?
SNOWSTORM: What else? They locked me up.
ORANGINA: So what did God have to say?
SNOWSTORM: You ought to knock that shit off, Snowstorm.
(They’re silent. ORANGINA continues to blush from embarrassment.)
You know what was drawn on those tabs?
ORANGINA: What?
SNOWSTORM: Milli Vanilli
ORANGINA: Oh get off it!
SNOWSTORM: It’s true. There was this one time they came up to me after a concert and they said, “Listen, Snowstorm, explain psychedelic trances to us and how to become psychedelic trance stars. We want to know.”
ORANGINA: And what did you say?
SNOWSTORM: Listen up, dudes. The job’s already taken.
ORANGINA: By you?
SNOWSTORM: You’ll see that soon enough.
(ORANGINA stands in front of apt. No. 835. SNOWSTORM pulls out his keys and opens apt. No. 834. Puts down his yellow suitcase. ORANGINA is nervous, she fumbles with her keys. SNOWSTORM helps her open the door. ORANGINA is embarrassed, she doesn’t know whether to invite SNOWSTORM in with her or not. They aren’t finding it easy to part, even though she doesn’t know what to say.)
Remember that guy we were drinking with yesterday?
ORANGINA: Which one was that?
SNOWSTORM: The one with AIDS.
ORANGINA: No, I don’t.
SNOWSTORM: I drank vodka out of his beer mug. I only realized later I shouldn’t have done that.
ORANGINA: It could have been a lot worse
SNOWSTORM: This is no laughing matter
ORANGINA: God forbid
SNOWSTORM: I probably ought to have a blood test
ORANGINA: It’s too early for that
SNOWSTORM: Maybe I can still be cured?
ORANGINA: Your sample will blow people away
SNOWSTORM: They’ll turn it over to the cops. The chemical makeup of my blood is irreversibly altered
ORANGINA: And your brain
SNOWSTORM: Yeah. I’ve got to clean up. Start working out
ORANGINA: Take vitamins
SNOWSTORM: What if they have additives or something?
ORANGINA: Hallucinogenics
SNOWSTORM: Exactly
ORANGINA: Suffering fortifies the soul
SNOWSTORM: I’m a sinner. I don’t like suffering
(BUSHY-TAIL’s apartment. BUSHY-TAIL walks about her apartment in a long night-shirt reminiscing about the evening spent with her new friends.)
BUSHY-TAIL: It’s like I was thrust into a new country where nothing has names yet. Or somebody invited me into a fairy-tale, a real magic kingdom
(VOLODYA and BLIZZARD stand before the door of Apt. 834.)
VOLODYA: This yours?
BLIZZARD: