60 Plays: The George Bernard Shaw Edition (Illustrated). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
waiter comes out with the beer]. Kellner: Ceci-la est notre table. Est-ce que vous comprenez Français?
WAITER Yes, zare. Oil right, zare.
THE GENTLEMAN [to his porter] Place those things on that table. [The porter does not understand]
WAITER [interposing] Zese zhentellmen are using zis table, zare. Vould you mind?
THE GENTLEMAN [severely] You should have told me so before. [To Cokane, with fierce condescension] I regret the mistake, sir.
COKANE Dont mention it, my dear sir: dont mention it. Retain the place, I beg.
THE GENTLEMAN {coldly turning his back on him] Thank you. [To the porter] Place them on that table. [The porter makes no movement until the gentleman points to the parcels and peremptorily raps on another table, nearer the gate].
PORTER Ja wohl, gnad’g’ Herr. [He puts down the parcels].
THE GENTLEMAN [taking out a handful of money] Waiter.
WAITER [awestruck] Yes, zare.
THE GENTLEMAN Tea. For two. Out here.
WAITER Yes, zare. [He goes into the hotel.]
The gentleman selects a small coin from his handful of money, and gives it to the porter, who receives it with a submissive touch to his cap, and goes out, not daring to speak. His daughter sits down and opens a parcel of photographs. The gentleman takes out a Baedeker; places a chair for himself; and then, before sitting down, looks truculently at Cokane,as if waiting for him to take himself off. Cokane, not at all abashed, resumes his place at the other table with an air of modest good breeding, and calls to Trench, who is prowling irresolutely in the background.
COKANE Trench, my dear fellow: your beer is waiting for you. [He drinks.]
TRENCH [glad of the excuse to come back to his chair] Thank you, Cokane. [He also drinks.]
COKANE By the way, Harry, I have often meant to ask you: is Lady Roxdale your mother’s sister or your father’s? [This shot tells immediately. The gentleman is perceptibly interested.]
TRENCH My mother’s, of course. What put that into your head?
COKANE Nothing. I was just thinking hm! She will expect you to marry, Harry: a doctor ought to marry.
TRENCH What has she got to do with it?
COKANE A great deal, dear boy. She looks forward to floating your wife in society in London.
TRENCH What rot!
COKANE Ah, you are young, dear boy: You dont know the importance of these things apparently idle ceremonial trifles, really the springs and wheels of a great aristocratic system. [The waiter comes back with the tea things, which he brings to the gentleman’s table. Cokane rises and addresses the gentleman] My dear sir, excuse my addressing you; but I cannot help feeling that you prefer this table and that we are in your way.
THE GENTLEMAN [grafiously] Thank you. Blanche: This gentleman very kindly offers us his table, if you would prefer it.
BLANCHE Oh, thanks: It makes no difference.
THE GENTLEMAN [to Cokane} We are fellow travellers, I believe, sir.
COKANE Fellow travellers and fellow countrymen. Ah, we rarely feel the charm of our own tongue until it reaches our ears under a foreign sky. You have no doubt noticed that?
THE GENTLEMAN [a little puzzled] Hm! From a romantic point of view, possibly, very possibly. As a matter of fact, the sound of English makes me feel at home; and I dislike feeling at home when I am abroad. It is not precisely what one goes to the expense for. [He looks at Trench] I think this gentleman travelled with us also.
COKANE [acting as master of the ceremonies] My valued friend, Dr Trench. [The gentleman and Trench rise.] Trench, my dear fellow, allow me to introduce you to er? [He looks enquiringly at the gentleman, waiting for the name.]
THE GENTLEMAN Permit me to shake your hand, Dr Trench. My name is Sartorius; and I have the honor of being known to Lady Roxdale, who is, I believe, a near relative of yours. Blanche, [She looks up.] Dr Trench. [They bow.]
TRENCH Perhaps I should introduce my friend Cokane to you, Mr Sartorius: Mr William de Burgh Cokane. [Cokane makes an elaborate bow. Sartorius accepts it with dignity. The waiter meanwhile returns with teapot, hot water, etc.]
SARTORIUS [to the waiter] Two more cups.
WAITER Yes, zare. [He goes into the hotel.]
BLANCHE Do you take sugar, Mr Cokane?
COKANE Thank you. [To Sartorius] This is really too kind. Harry: Bring your chair round.
SARTORIUS You are very welcome. [Trench brings his chair to the tea table; and they all sit round it. The waiter returns with two more cups.]
WAITER Table d’hote at ‘alf past zix, zhentellmenn. Ahnyzing else now, zare?
SARTORIUS No. You can go. [The waiter goes.]
COKANE [very agreeably] Do you contemplate a long stay here, Miss Sartorius?
BLANCHE We were thinking of going on to Rolandseck. Is it as nice as this place?
COKANE Harry: The Baedeker. Thank you. [He consults the index, and looks out Rolandseck.]
BLANCHE Sugar, Dr Trench?
TRENCH Thanks. [She hands him the cup, and looks meaningly at him for an instant. He looks down hastily, and glances apprehensively at Sartorius, who is preoccupied with a piece of bread and butter].
COKANE Rolandseck appears to be an extremely interesting place. [Rereads] “It is one of the most beautiful and frequented spots on the river, and is surrounded with numerous villas and pleasant gardens, chiefly belonging to wealthy merchants from the Lower Rhine, and extending along the wooded slopes at the back of the village.”
BLANCHE That sounds civilized and comfortable. I vote we go there.
SARTORIUS Quite like our place at Surbiton, my dear.
BLANCHE Quite.
COKANE You have a place down the river? Ah, I envy you.
SARTORIUS No: I have merely taken a furnished villa at Surbiton for the summer. I live in Bedford Square. I am a vestryman and must reside in the parish.
BLANCHE Another cup, Mr Cokane?
COKANE Thank you, no. [To Sartorius] I presume you have been round this little place. Not much to see here, except the Apollinaris Church.
SARTORIUS [scandalized] The what!
COKANE The Apollinaris Church.
SARTORIUS A strange name to give a church. Very continental, I must say.
COKANE Ah, yes, yes, yes. That is where our neighbors fall short sometimes, Mr Sartorius: Taste, taste is what they occasionally fail in. But in this instance they are not to blame. The water is called after the church, not the church after the water.
SARTORIUS [as if this were an extenuating circumstance but not a complete excuse] I am glad to hear it. Is the church a celebrated one?
COKANE Baedeker stars it.
SARTORIUS [respectfully] Oh, in that case I should like to see it.
COKANE [reading] “…erected in 1839 by Zwirner, the late eminent architect of the cathedral of Cologne, at the expense of Count Fiirstenberg-Stammheim.”
SARTORIUS [much impressed] We must certainly see that, Mr Cokane. I had no idea that the architect of Cologne cathedral lived so recently.
BLANCHE Dont let us bother about any more churches, papa. Theyre all the same; and I’m tired to death of them.
SARTORIUS Well, my dear, if you think it sensible to take a long and expensive journey to see what there is to be seen, and then go away without seeing it
BLANCHE Not this afternoon, papa, please.
SARTORIUS