60 Plays: The George Bernard Shaw Edition (Illustrated). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
Billy. You —
COKANE There you go again. Dont use that low abbreviation. How am I to preserve the respect of fellow travellers of position and wealth, if I am to be Billied at every turn? My name is William : William de Burgh Cokane.
TRENCH Oh, bother! There: Dont be offended, old chap. Whats the use of putting your back up at every trifle? It comes natural to me to call you Billy: it suits you, somehow.
COKANE [mortified] You have no delicacy of feeling Trench, no tact. I never mention it to anyone; but nothing, I am afraid, will ever make a true gentleman of you. [Sartorius appears on the threshold of the hotel.] Here is my friend Sartorius, coming, no doubt, to ask you for an explanation of your conduct. I really should not have been surprised to see him bring a horsewhip with him. I shall not intrude on the painful scene.
TRENCH Dont go, confound it. I dont want to meet him alone just now.
COKANE [shaking his head] Delicacy, Harry, delicacy! Good taste! Savoir faire! [He walks away. Trench tries to escape in the opposite direction by strolling off towards the garden entrance.]
SARTORIUS [mesmerically] Dr Trench.
TRENCH [stopping and fuming] Oh, is that you, Mr Sartorius? How did you find the church?
[Sartorius, without a word, points to a seat. Trench, half hypnotized by his own nervousness and the impressiveness of Sartorius, sits down helplessly.]
SARTORIUS {also seating himself] You have been speaking to my daughter, Dr Trench.
TRENCH [with an attempt at ease of manner] Yes: we had a conversation quite a chat, in fact whilst you were at the church with Cokane. How did you get on with Cokane, Mr Sartorius? I always think he has such wonderful tact.
SARTORIUS [ignoring the digression] I have just had a word with my daughter, Dr Trench; and I find her underthe impression that something has passed between you which it is my duty as a father, the father of a motherless girl, to inquire into at once. My daughter, perhaps foolishly, has taken you quite seriously; and —
TRENCH But —
SARTORIUS One moment, if you will be so good. I have been a young man myself younger, perhaps, than you would suppose from my present appearance. I mean, of course, in character. If you were not serious —
TRENCH [ingenuously] But I was perfectly serious. I want to marry your daughter, Mr Sartorius. I hope you dont object.
SARTORIUS [condescending to Trench’s humility from the mere instinct to seize an advantage, and yet deferring to Lady Roxdale’s relative] So far, no. I may say that your proposal seems to be an honorable and straightforward one, and that it is very gratifying to me personally.
TRENCH [agreeably surprised] Then I suppose we may consider the affair as settled. It’s really very good of you.
SARTORIUS Gently, Dr Trench, gently. Such a transaction as this cannot be settled offhand.
TRENCH Not offhand, no. There are settlements and things, of course. But it may be regarded as settled between ourselves, maynt it?
‘SARTORIUS Hm! Have you nothing further to mention?
TRENCH Only that, that-No: I dont know that I have, except that I love —
SARTORIUS [interrupting] Anything about your family, for example? You do not anticipate any objection on their part, do you?
TRENCH Oh, they have nothing to do with it.
SARTORIUS [warmly] Excuse me, sir: They have a great deal to do with it. [Trench is abashed] I am resolved that my daughter shall approach no circle in which she will not be received with the full consideration to which her education and her breeding — [here his selfcontrol slips a little; and he repeats, as if Trench had contradicted him] — I say, her breeding entitle her.
TRENCH {bewildered] Of course not. But what makes you think my family wont like Blanche? Of course my father was a younger son; and Ive had to take to a profession and all that; so my people wont expect us to entertain them: Theyll know we cant afford it. But theyll entertain us: They always ask me.
SARTORIUS That wont do for me, sir. Families often think it due to themselves to turn their backs on newcomers whom they may not think quite good enough for them.
TRENCH But I assure you my people arnt a bit snobbish. Blanche is a lady: thatll be good enough for them.
SARTORIUS [moved] I am glad you think so. [He offers his hand. Trench, astonished, takes it] I think so myself. [He presses Trenctis hand gratefully and releases it.] And now, Dr Trench, since you have acted handsomely, you shall have no cause to complain of me. There shall be no difficulty about money: You shall entertain as much as you please: I will guarantee all that. But I must have a guarantee on my side that she will be received on equal terms by your family.
TRENCH Guarantee!
SARTORIUS Yes, a reasonable guarantee. I shall expect you to write to your relatives explaining your intention, and adding what you think proper as to my daughter’s fitness for the best society. When you can shew me a few letters from the principal members of your family, congratulating you in a fairly cordial way, I shall be satisfied. Can I say more?
TRENCH [much puzzled, but grateful] No indeed. You are really very good. Many thanks. Since you wish it, I’ll write to my people. But I assure you youll find them as jolly as possible over it. I’ll make them write by return.
SARTORIUS Thank you. In the meantime, I must ask you not to regard the matter as settled.
TRENCH Oh! Not to regard the-I see. You mean between Blanche and —
SARTORIUS I mean between you and Miss Sartorius. When I interrupted your conversation here some time ago, you and she were evidently regarding it as settled. In case difficulties arise, and the match — you see I call it a match — be broken off, I should not wish Blanche to think that she had allowed a gentleman to, to- [Trench nods sympathetically] Quite so. May I depend on you to keep a fair distance, and so spare me the necessity of having to restrain an intercourse which promises to be very pleasant to us all?
TRENCH Certainly; since you prefer it. [They shake hands on it.]
SARTORIUS [rising] You will write to-day, I think you said?
TRENCH [eagerly] I’ll write now, before I leave here, straight off.
SARTORIUS I will leave you to yourself then. [He hesitates, the conversation having made him self-conscious and embarrassed; then recovers himself with an effort and adds with dignity, as he turns to go] I am pleased to have come to an understanding with you. [He goes into the hotel and Cokane, who has been hanging about inquisitively , emerges from the shrubbery.]
TRENCH [excitedly] Billy, old chap: youre just in time to do me a favour. I want you to draft a letter for me to copy out.
COKANE I came with you on this tour as a friend, Trench: not as a secretary.
TRENCH Well, youll write as a friend. It’s to my Aunt Maria, about Blanche and me. To tell her, you know.
COKANE Tell her about Blanche and you! Tell her about your conduct! Betray you, my friend; and forget that I am writing to a lady? Never!
TRENCH Bosh, Billy: dont pretend you dont understand. We’re engaged engaged, my boy: What do you think of that? I must write by tonight’s post. You are the man to tell me what to say. Come, old chap [coaxing him to sit down at one of the tables]: Here’s a pencil. Have you a bit of oh, here: This’ll do: Write it on the back of the map. [He tears the map out of his Baedeker and spreads it face downwards on the table. Cokane takes the pencil and prepares to write] Thats right. Thanks awfully, old chap! Now fire away. [Anxiously] Be careful how you word it, though, Cokane.
COKANE [putting down the pencil] If you doubt my ability to express myself becomingly to Lady Roxdale —
TRENCH [propitiating him] All right, old fellow, all right: theres not a man alive who could do it half so well as you. I only wanted to explain. You see, Sartorius has got it into his head, somehow, that my people