60 Plays: The George Bernard Shaw Edition (Illustrated). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
Said he supposed so, or you wouldnt dare to break the law so scand’lous. I only tell you what he said.
SARTORIUS Hm! Do you know his name!
LICKCHEESE Yes, sir. Speakman.
SARTORIUS Write it down in the diary for the day of the next meeting of the Health Committee. I will teach Mr Speakman his duty to members of the vestry.
LICKCHEESE [doubtfully] The vestry cant hurt him, sir. He’s under the Local Government Board.
SARTORIUS I did not ask you that. Let me see the books. [Lickcheese produces the rent book, and hands it to Sartorius; then makes the desired entry in the diary on the table, watching Sartorius with misgiving as the rent book is examined. Sartorius rises, frowning] £1:4s for repairs to No. 13. What does this mean?
LICKCHEESE Well, sir, it was the staircase on the third floor. It was downright dangerous: There werent but three whole steps in it, and no handrail. I thought it best to have a few boards put in.
SARTORIUS Boards! Firewood, sir, firewood! They will burn every stick of it. You have spent twenty-four shillings of my money on firewood for them.
LICKCHEESE There ought to be stone stairs, sir: it would be a saving in the long run. The clergyman says —
SARTORIUS What! who says?
LICKCHEESE The clergyman, sir, only the clergyman. Not that I make much account of him; but if you knew how he has worried me over that staircase —
SARTORIUS I am an Englishman; and I will suffer no priest to interfere in my business. [He turns suddenly on Lickcheese.] Now look here, Mr Lickcheese! This is the third time this year that you have brought me a bill of over a pound for repairs. I have warned you repeatedly against dealing with these tenement houses as if they were mansions in a West-End square. I have had occasion to warn you too against discussing my affairs with strangers. You have chosen to disregard my wishes. You are discharged.
LICKCHEESE [dismayed] Oh, sir, dont say that.
SARTORIUS [fiercely] You are discharged.
LICKCHEESE Well, Mr Sartorius, it is hard, so it is. No man alive could have screwed more out of them poor destitute devils for you than I have, or spent less in doing it. I have dirtied my hands at it until theyre not fit for clean work hardly; and now you turn me —
SARTORIUS [interrupting him menacingly] What do you mean by dirtying your hands? If I find that you have stepped an inch outside the letter of the law, Mr Lickcheese, I will prosecute you myself. The way to keep your hands clean is to gain the confidence of your employers. You will do well to bear that in mind in your next situation.
THE PARLOR MAID [opening the door] Mr Trench and Mr Cokane. [Cokane and Trench come in: Trench festively dressed and in buoyant spirits, Cokane highly selfsatisfed.]
SARTORIUS How do you do, Dr Trench? Good morning, Mr Cokane. I am pleased to see you here. Mr Lickcheese: You will place your accounts and money on the table: I will examine them and settle with you presently. [Lickcheese retires to the table, and begins to arrange his accounts, greatly depressed.]
TRENCH [glancing at Lickcheese] I hope we’re not in the way.
SARTORIUS By no means. Sit down, pray. I fear you have been kept waiting.
TRENCH {taking Blanche’s chair] Not at all. Weve only just come in. [He takes out a packet of letters and begins untying them.]
COKANE [going to a chair nearer the window, but stopping to look admiringly round before sitting down] You must be happy here with all these books, Mr Sartorius. A literary atmosphere.
SARTORIUS [resuming his seat] I have not looked into them. They are pleasant for Blanche occasionally when she wishes to read. I chose the house because it is on gravel. The death-rate is very low.
TRENCH [triumphantly] I have any amount of letters for you. All my people are delighted that I am going to settle. Aunt Maria wants Blanche to be married from her house. [He hands Sartorius a letter.]
SARTORIUS Aunt Maria?
COKANE Lady Roxdale, my dear sir: He means Lady Roxdale. Do express yourself with a little more tact, my dear fellow.
TRENCH Lady Roxdale, of course. Uncle Harry —
COKANE Sir Harry Trench. His godfather, my dear sir, his godfather.
TRENCH Just so. The pleasantest fellow for his age you ever met. He offers us his house at St Andrews for a couple of months, if we care to pass our honeymoon there. [He hands Sartorius another letter.] It’s the sort of house nobody can live in, you know; but it’s a nice thing for him to offer. Dont you think so?
SARTORIUS {dissembling a thrill at the titles] No doubt. These seem very gratifying, Dr Trench.
TRENCH Yes, arnt they? Aunt Maria has really behaved like a brick. If you read the postscript youll see she spotted Cokane’s hand in my letter. [Chuckling] He wrote it for me.
SARTORIUS {glancing at Cokane] Indeed! Mr Cokane evidently did it with great tact.
COKANE [returning the glance] Dont mention it.
TRENCH [gleefully] Well, what do you say now, Mr Sartorius? May we regard the matter as settled at last?
SARTORIUS Quite settled. [He rises and offers his hand. Trench, glowing with gratitude, rises and shakes it vehemently, unable to find words for his feelings.]
COKANE [coming between them] Allow me to congratulate you both. [He shakes hands with the two at the same time,]
SARTORIUS And now, gentlemen, I have a word to say to my daughter. Dr Trench: You will not, I hope, grudge me the pleasure of breaking this news to her: I have had to disappoint her more than once since I last saw you. Will you excuse me for ten minutes?
COKANE [in a flush of friendly protest] My dear sir : can you ask?
TRENCH Certainly.
SARTORIUS Thank you. [He goes out.]
TRENCH [chuckling again] He wont have any news to break, poor old boy: she’s seen all the letters already.
COKANE I must say your behavior has been far from straightforward, Harry. You have been carrying on a clandestine correspondence.
LICKCHEESE [stealthily] Gentlemen —
TENCH & COKANE [Turning — They had forgotten his presence] Hallo!
LICKCHEESE [coming between them very humbly, but in mortal anxiety and haste] Look here, gentlemen. [To Trench] You, sir, I address myself to more particlar. Will you say a word in my favor to the guvnor? He’s just given me the sack; and I have four children looking to me for their bread. A word from you, sir, on this happy day, might get him to take me on again.
TRENCH [embarrassed] Well, you see, Mr Lickcheese, I dont see how I can interfere. I’m very sorry, of course.
COKANE Certainly you cannot interfere. It would be in the most execrable taste.
LICKCHEESE Oh, gentlemen, youre young; and you dont know what loss of employment means to the like of me. What harm would it do you to help a poor man? Just listen to the circumstances, sir. I only —
TRENCH [moved, but snatching at an excuse for taking a high tone in avoiding the unpleasantness of helping him.] No: I had rather not. Excuse my saying plainly that I think Mr Sartorius is not a man to act hastily or harshly. I have always found him very fair and generous; and I believe he is a better judge of the circumstances than I am.
COKANE [inquisitive] I think you ought to hear the circumstances, Harry. It can do no harm. Hear the circumstances by all means.
LICKCHEESE Never mind, sir: it aint any use. When I hear that man called generous and fair! well, never mind.
TRENCH [severely] If you wish me to do anything for you, Mr Lickcheese, let me tell you that you are not going the right way about it in speaking ill of Mr Sartorius.
LICKCHEESE Have