Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette. Marion Harland
mentioned. As a rule the decision to accept or decline should be as absolute as it is immediate. Only the greatest intimacy and extraordinary circumstances warrant the request that an invitation be held open even for a day. The hostess must make her arrangements and she can not do so until she has heard definitely from all those she has asked.
If a declinature is necessary, let it be in the form of a recognition of the honor conveyed in the invitation, and genuine regret at the impossibility of accepting it. This may be worded somewhat in the following way:
“My dear Mrs. Brown:
“Mr. Aikman and I regret sincerely that a previous engagement makes it impossible for us to accept your delightful invitation for December the sixth. We thank you for counting us among those who are so happy as to be your guests on that evening, and only wish that we could be with you.
“Cordially and regretfully yours,
“Jane Aikman.”
DINNER ENGAGEMENTS BINDING
No matter how informal a dinner is to be, if the invitation is once accepted, nothing must be allowed to interfere with one’s attendance unless one is so ill that one’s physician absolutely forbids one leaving the house.
Some wit said that a man’s only excuse for non-attendance at such a function is his death, in which case he should send his obituary notice as an explanation. Certain it is that nothing short of one’s own severe illness or the dangerous illness of a member of the family should interfere with one’s attendance at a dinner. Should such a contingency arise, a telegram or telephone message should be sent immediately that the hostess may try to engage another guest to take the place of the one who is unavoidably prevented from being present.
When it becomes necessary to ask a guest to fill such a vacancy, the hostess will do best to explain the situation frankly, while the guest on his part need feel no slight at the lateness of his invitation. A clever woman always has several persons on whom she can rely for such emergencies and whose good nature she does not fail to reward.
THE LUNCHEON
All the rules that apply to the sending and receiving of invitations to a dinner prevail with regard to a luncheon. It is next in importance as a function, and the acceptance or declinature of a letter requesting that one should attend it must be promptly despatched.
In planning any social affair the hostess should think twice about asking together people who have for a long time lived in the same neighborhood or who are old residents of the city in any part but who are not apparently in the habit of seeing one another. Sometimes it is safer to ask one’s prospective guests outright if it will be agreeable for them to meet.
Before closing this chapter we should like to remind the possible guest that an invitation is intended as an honor. The function to which one is asked may be all that is most boring, and the flesh and spirit may shrink from attending it. But if one declines what is meant as a compliment, let one do so in a manner that shows one appreciates the honor intended. To decline as if the person extending the invitation were a bit presumptuous in giving it, or to accept in a condescending manner, is a lapse that shows a common strain under a recently-acquired polish. A thoroughbred accepts and declines all invitations as though he were honored by the attention. In doing so he shows himself worthy to receive any compliment that may under any circumstances be extended to him. Would that more of the strugglers up Society’s ladders would appreciate this truth!
If a woman wishes to give any other special form of entertainment than a dance, she writes the suitable word, “Music,” “Bridge,” “Garden-party,” etc., in place of the word “Dancing.”
For a dinner dance one sends a note or an engraved card with “Dancing at ten” or “Cotillion at eleven” in the corner, to the comparatively small number asked to dine. The guests asked for the dance receive only an “At Home” card, with the announcement “Dancing at ten” in the corner.
THE TEA-DANCE
The tea-dance or thé-dansant has recently been revived. This calls for an “At Home” card and the word “Dancing” in the corner. It is merely an ordinary afternoon tea at which space and music are provided for the young people to whirl about.
Some people who entertain formally a great deal keep on hand a supply of large engraved cards with a space left blank in which the name of the guest is written. This is certainly a time-saving custom, but the appearance of such a card is less elegant than one wholly engraved, while on the other hand it lacks the real cordiality of the written note. Aiming at a combined effect, it hardly achieves either of the things desired.
A minor but amusing blunder sometimes made by thoughtless persons consists in inviting guests “for” dinner. The ducks and salad, ices and cakes are for dinner; the guests should be asked to it.
A woman may take an out-of-town visitor to any large affair without obtaining permission beforehand, but she will of course, in speaking to her hostess, express appreciation of the pleasant opportunity thus afforded to her guest.
CARDS AFTER A DEATH
After a death has taken place, one will not for a month or six weeks intrude on the seclusion of the family by sending any social invitations. After that time, however, they should be sent as usual. It is the personal privilege of the bereaved to determine how soon and to what extent they will resume their relations with society. If one is in mourning one can not of course with propriety become a member of any gay company, but nowadays mourning is not always assumed even by the most grievously stricken. If such persons find their burden more easily borne by the resumption, as far as may be, of their normal activities, it is the part of kindness to aid them in making this resumption as easy and natural as possible.
It is now considered correct to send all invitations by mail, though in some southern places the more elegant—if difficult—method of delivering them by the hand of a servant is still cherished. Many informal invitations are now extended by telephone.
HOW INVITATIONS BEGIN
Dinner and wedding invitations and cards for evening receptions are issued in the names of both host and hostess. For a ball or a garden-party the name of the hostess may appear alone, though this is not usual. A young girl should never announce any but the smallest and most informal parties in her own name. Yet many young girls do so, ignoring their mothers and contributing unwittingly to our national reputation for bad manners.
A bishop and his wife, if they are issuing cards to a large reception, often do it in this way: “The Bishop of Indiana and Mrs. Hereford request the honor,” etc.
An invitation should never begin “You are cordially invited,” etc. It should always be issued in the name of some person or persons. “The Men’s Club invites you” or “The Diocesan Society requests the honor of” is good form.
CHAPTER II
CARDS AND CALLS
THE styles of calling-cards change from year to year, even from season to season, so that it is impossible to make hard-and-fast rules as to the size and thickness of the bits of pasteboard, or the script with which they are engraved. Any good stationer can give one the desired information on these points.
In choosing a card plate it is well to select a style of script so simple yet elegant that it will not be outré several seasons hence, unless one’s purse will allow one to revise one’s plate with each change of fashion. It should not be necessary to remark that a printed card is an atrocity. Even a man’s business-card should be engraved, not printed.
It is no longer considered proper for one card to bear the husband’s and wife’s names together, as was a few years ago the mode, thus,—“Mr. and Mrs. Charles Sprague.” Still, some persons have a few cards thus marked and use them in sending gifts from husband and wife. As a rule, however, the husband’s card is enclosed in an envelope with that of his wife in sending gifts,