How to Behave and How to Amuse: A Handy Manual of Etiquette and Parlor Games. George H. Sandison
is within the power of all to aspire to belong to that class of men and women whose presence is always agreeable, and who combine, in rare degree, that charm of manners and morals which is always allied with true nobility of character.
HOW TO BEHAVE.
Introductions.
Ladies who are on a social equality are introduced to each other, and so also are gentlemen. The latter, however, are always presented to ladies.
When the difference between the parties is a debatable one, it is the formal custom among many to say, “Mrs. A., this is Mrs. H.; Mrs. H., Mrs. A.”
Where a gentleman is presented to a lady by another gentleman, permission must first be secured from the lady, and afterward the presentation is made complimentary by this formula: “Mr. Mortimer desires to be presented to Mrs. or Miss Fairfax.” Or if the individual making the presentation desires the unknown parties to become acquainted for his or her own personal reasons, this form can be used: “This is Mr. Mortimer, Mrs. Fairfax. It gives me pleasure to present him to you.” The married lady, if she be glad to know Mr. Mortimer, says so frankly and thanks the presenting party, after which the latter retires. The young lady expresses a polite recognition of the gentleman presented, by bowing, smiling, and mentioning the name of the new acquaintance as a response. The expressed gratification must come from the gentleman, who will say some complimentary thing to her in regard to the ceremony.
Hand shaking is not so common as it was formerly.
In introductions generally the younger is introduced to the elder, except when a publicly admitted superiority exists. The unknown is always presented to the famous. The single lady is introduced to the married one, and the single gentleman to the married, other things being equal.
A person must conduct himself or herself, while remaining in a house on invitation, as if there were no more exalted society than that present.
To converse above the comprehension of others is an unpardonable egotism, and to try to give the impression that superior surroundings are the only ones with which you are familiar is evidence to the contrary.
Bowing and Salutations.
Bowing means recognition and nothing else, and it is the lady’s prerogative to offer this, and the gentleman’s to accept it. Between intimate friends it is immaterial which bows first, the gentleman or lady. The lady may be distant or cordial in her salutation, and the gentleman must be responsive to her manner, and claim no more attention than she offers.
If a gentleman lifts his hat and stops after a lady has recognized him, he may ask her permission to turn and accompany her for a little, or even a long distance. Under no circumstances should he stand still in the street to converse with her, or be offended if she excuse herself and pass on.
At entertainments a gentleman who is a formal acquaintance waits for the lady-guest to recognize his presence.
On entering a parlor to pay a visit, a gentleman should always carry his hat, leaving overshoes, overcoat, and umbrella in the hall if it be winter time. The lady rises to receive him, unless she is an invalid, or aged, in which case she receives him seated. If she extends her hand to him, he takes it, but does not remove his glove. He never offers his hand first. If it be a brief call, and others are present, he seldom seats himself, and takes leave very soon after another gentleman enters, the lady not extending her hand a second time. Hand-shaking is falling into disuse in ordinary visits.
A lady should never accompany a gentleman to the door of the drawing-room, much less to the vestibule, unless she entertains a special regard for him. She introduces him to no one, unless there be some reason why this formality should take place; and he talks with her other guests just as if he had met them before. No after recognition is warranted between gentlemen, or between ladies. If the parties desire to be presented to each other, the hostess should not refuse this formality if asked to perform it.
There may be cases when a gentleman may lift his hat to a lady, even though he cannot bow to her.
It not infrequently happens when gentlemen are driving, that they cannot touch their hats because too closely occupied; but a cordial bow satisfies under such circumstances. When riding in the saddle he may lift his hat, or touch its rim with his whip. Etiquette permits either style of greeting.
In passing a group of mourners at a door-way, where their dead is being carried forth, or a funeral procession in a quiet street, a gentleman should uncover his head.
A gentleman should always lift his hat when tendering a service, however slight, to a strange lady. It may be the restoration of handkerchief or fan, the receiving of her change, opening her umbrella or any other courteous act. To say “Thank you!” is not now considered necessary; it has ceased to be etiquette.
A gentleman will open a door for a strange lady, hold it open with one hand and lift his hat with the other, while she passes through. He always quickly offers her the precedence.
A gentleman who is walking in the street with a lady, touches his hat, and bows to anyone she salutes in passing. This is done in compliment to her acquaintance, who is most likely a stranger to him. If accompanying her across a drawing-room, and she bows to a friend, he inclines his head also but does not speak. He always raises his hat when he begs a lady’s pardon for an inadvertence, whether he is known to her or not.
Calls and Calling Cards.
It is a rule among the best people to call upon the stranger who is in town. If the visitor brings letters of introduction, an entree to society is easy through the usually observed forms. If strangers who have come to reside near us, or even to visit our locality, bear credentials of respectability, courteous and hospitable residents will call upon them, after sufficient time has elapsed for the recently arrived to have adjusted themselves to their new positions. No introduction is necessary in such a case. The resident ladies call between two and five o’clock, send in their own with their husbands’ or their fathers’ or brothers’ cards, and if they find the strangers disengaged, a brief and cordial interview ends the first visit. This must be returned within a week, or a note of apology and explanation for the omission is sent, and the return-visit is then paid later on. If a card be sent in return for this visit, or is left in person without an effort to see the parties who have made the first visit, it is understood that the strangers prefer solitude, or that there are reasons why they cannot receive visitors.
A gentleman should not make a first call upon the ladies of the family of a new-comer without an introduction or an invitation.
When should a lady call first on a new desirable acquaintance? She should have met the new acquaintance, should have been properly introduced, and should feel sure that her own acquaintance is desired. The oldest resident, the one most prominent in society, should call first. Good expedient for a first call is the sending out of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady who wishes to begin her social life in a new place. These may be accompanied by the card of some well-known friend, or they may go out alone. If they bring visits or cards in response, the beginner has started on her career with no loss of self-respect. First calls should be returned within a week.
After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and inquire if the hostess is at home. For other entertainments the lady can call by proxy, or simply send her card. In sending to inquire for