Finding the Sun Through the Clouds. Dawnmarie Deshaies

      Chapter 17

      After the Honeymoon and on to Real Life

      Alas, our honeymoon ended and we returned to normal life. Neither of us wanted it to end. We even tried to convince ourselves some nights to just stay and live the most uncomplicated life we could imagine there. However, Robert’s and my dreams carried on beyond these tiny islands. We came home from our honeymoon and moved in to our condominium. It was in an old converted warehouse that had exposed brick walls, rustic in styling, with twelve-foot ceilings. Our place was so charming. The fresh and new smell of the site had us excited to meet others in our complex. We even had a community pool for everyone who lived there. I started to work for a store called Macy’s, in their shoe department, not long after we settled down. Robert didn’t want me traveling anymore for work, so I took a manager’s role instead of a district manager role. I liked it at first, but then I was bored with such a simple job I was used to. So I decided to transfer sections and became a department manager for the men’s line. I worked weekends, holidays, and a total of forty-eight hours a week. Back to the classics, as they say.

      Along with the newfound work, my symptoms resurrected after that period of relief, and they were getting worse. I now had pins and needles in both hands all the time. My left eye was always blurry, and fatigue even settled right alongside it. Once again, I went to my family doctor. I explained to him that I had had the same phantom pains for years, and he directed his assistants to perform more blood work for the thousandth time.

      Everything came back normal. The doctor said to me, “Dawnmarie, you are most likely just stressed out from returning to work, especially with the workload you carry. I am giving you Xanax to relax when you are having these feelings again.” Again, the same results without any solutions. The doctor continued to reassure and relax me. He most likely saw the distressed look on my face; unfortunately, I’m not very good at hiding when I feel uncomfortable. He said, “Don’t worry, everything will be okay. You are young.” At this point, I really started to believe I was becoming a hypochondriac. If the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, was it all merely just psychological pain I was inflicting on myself from all those years growing up in isolation?

      Robert and I settled in, and life was calm for a while. When my pains would surface, I would take the pills as instructed to let those terrible feelings subside. Robert and I began to talk about having children around this time, and before I knew it, I became pregnant. It’s funny how life just throws you a curveball so early on in one’s marriage.

      I was scared and very nervous. I thought something was going to happen, and that feeling was getting worse with each day. I wondered if our child-to-be would be like me.

      I would never want to inflict my pains from childhood onto such an innocent and gentle life. I was terrified of the rotating doors coming to and from the hospital. I simply didn’t want my child always to feel different as I did. I was totally stressed out. After six weeks, I miscarried our baby. The pain and emotional distress that followed were so hard for me. I reacted like any woman would respond to this awful event. Was there something wrong with me? Was I unable to have children due to my years of constant medication messing up my system? I continued to stress more, and all the phantom pains were getting worse. I thought, if I worked more and stayed busy, I wouldn’t think about it.

      The next significant chapter soon arrived at our doorstep. We were presented with an excellent opportunity to move to California. When Robert asked me about the move, I was so excited to have a new adventure. It was that adventurous spirit in me that I wanted to travel the world that I felt tugging deep down. We packed up everything we had, put it all in a big U-Haul, and hooked up my blue Honda Civic. Did you guys forget about my baby-blue girl? As we drove cross-country from Connecticut to California, we got stuck in the middle of a huge snowstorm. We had to stay in a motel where all truck drivers stayed when they were on long trips. We were snowed in for three days. On snowy days growing up, I would always watch movies, eat junk food, and cuddle with my stuffed animals. This time wasn’t so different; Robert was my cuddle partner by the fireplace, and lovemaking obviously ensued. Not too bad, if you ask me.

      After the snowstorm was over, we packed up and continued the road trip. Time ticked by, and we made it to New Mexico. I started to notice I was having problems again this time with my legs. They were so fatigued from merely sitting in a car. It felt like I just pushed the car up a huge hill. All I was doing was reading a book and sitting in the passenger’s seat. I told Robert about it, and we both thought it was strange. We pulled over to walk a little. When I stepped out of the truck, my left leg gave out on me. I thought to myself, This is so strange. We got lunch and then hit the road again. We had been on the road for days. Robert did all the driving from the East Coast to the West Coast. Before we knew it, we only had thirteen hours to go before we got to California. Robert was tired, and so was I. We stayed in a small hotel and got some sleep. As the sun crept up from the east, we were on the road again.