Finding the Sun Through the Clouds. Dawnmarie Deshaies
Did I even understand what I had forged my being into yet? Who was this woman I was clinging on to so hard? Was I ever meant to live a life by myself? Did I not deserve to live a life full of love and happiness and find a balance between both worlds?
Robert wasn’t doing well at all. He stopped eating, and all his friends lashed at me for breaking his big yet fragile heart. The breakup felt like china glass shattering into a million broken pieces across the floor of his life.
Absolute devastation.
After two months apart, I was driving my car back from a friend’s house. As I pulled into my complex, Robert was standing at my car door. This totally scared the shit out of me—I might have even peed my pants a little. In a fit of rage, I yelled at him and said I was going to get a restraining order to keep him away from me. He pleaded to give him a chance and asked me to talk. I said no because I thought it was better if we weren’t together. I was really stubborn. Damn that bull inside me. Later that night, he stood outside of my bedroom window in the snow, looking up. As I was getting ready for bed, I was pulling down my curtain when I saw him, like a stranded puppy, alone in the snow, waiting for his owner to come grab him. I opened the window and told him to go to the gate and I would let him in. His damn puppy face was just too adorable. He came into my apartment. My roommate had left, so we could talk freely. We hugged, and he said, “Dawnmarie, I can’t live without you!” I started to cry, and the next thing, we were talking about everything that had happened after our breakup. I asked him to stay the night with me. After seeing him, I knew I was missing him in my life and that I still loved him.
Okay, so everybody has seen The Notebook, based on a book by Nicholas Sparks, right? Well, we made love like never before that night. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling have nothing on Robert and me compared to their scene in the rain when Gosling’s character states, “I did write all these years.” We had snow, so beat that, Nicholas Sparks. Where are my movie rights? It indeed was something better than any romance film. He told me he was moving to California because life without me was heartbreaking. And he needed to move on with his life in a new location. I asked when, and he said next week. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I wanted him to know that I genuinely missed him. We spent every day together before he left for his new life without me in California. We had a week to remember. He took me to expensive dinners, took me shopping, brought me flowers, and we laughed like when we first met. We were living life again like before. I fell deeper in love with him all over again. How could I let him go? Life was great until the planning of the wedding and all the outside stresses reeled in. People were trying to tell us how to be and what to do; everyone was telling us we were moving too fast. I felt I was losing myself, but it was Robert I was losing myself to.
Chapter 15
The “Pretty Woman” Treatment
Goddamn it, Richard Gere, I was living the real-life Pretty Woman. This fairy tale with Robert continued, and he said he couldn’t live without me and that was why he was moving. All a ploy, unbeknownst to my knowledge, to draw me in closer. Meanwhile, I didn’t know what to do.
I couldn’t let him go. I knew we loved each other, and if it was meant to be, we would find a way back to each other. I had to let him go. These were confusing times. Before I knew it, he was leaving the next morning for his new life in California without me. I took him to the airport. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I used everything I had in me to hold back all my tears and emotion as they called his flight number and said they were boarding. He hugged and kissed me goodbye. I felt like I was losing a piece of my heart. As he walked down the runway, he turned and spoke in his powerful yet gentle voice, “You know where to find me.” I couldn’t look back. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I was torn apart from the inside out, and I didn’t want him to see me like that. As I was driving home, my heart was being pulled apart, piece by lonely piece.
I knew at that very moment that I couldn’t live without him. When he arrived in California, he telephoned me. I told him that I loved him and I couldn’t live without him. I asked him to marry me. Now, ladies, when you ask a man to marry you, you better hang up. Whatever it is you’re doing, whether it be drowning yourself in chocolate ice cream, watching that romantic flick that makes you flood your eyes with tears, or telephoning your girlfriends about your broken heart, you stop in your tracks and you chase that man down like you’re a damn outlaw running away with the steal of the century. Robert was in tears over the phone and responded, “Yes, Dawnmarie, I will marry you.” Before I knew it, he was back in Massachusetts, and we planned our wedding in two months.
We got married on September 2, 1990. We had the wedding of the century; it, indeed, was our fairy-tale wedding. My wedding dress was made to fit me just like Cinderella’s dress, but only more perfect. I wanted it to look classic, with the side of my dress full of tooling from the front. It looked absolutely majestic, and it trailed itself with seven-foot-long material. My veil was handmade to fit my head, and Robert surprised me with an extra headpiece to add so it would cover the train of the wedding dress. We had over 250 people attend our wedding. People from both sides of our family came, and it was the biggest party of my life. Everything was black-and-white. The men all wore black tuxedoes, and my bridesmaids wore long silk gowns.
They had silk tops with long black silk bottoms. We all had beautiful white roses to carry. My shoes had pure white silk flowers with diamond-like sparkles in them. After the ceremony, everyone danced for hours. Robert and I only danced once together, and that magical feeling of newlyweds was flooding the room the whole night. We were so busy thanking everyone for coming from so far away we barely had time for ourselves. We took all the photos you need when you get married, and before we knew it, our wedding night event was over. Looking back now, I wish we had danced the night away.
Chapter 16
The Honeymoon
The very next day, we left for our honeymoon. Robert planned for us to stay three weeks on honeymoon in the Virgin Islands. It was so incredible and magical. We made love every day and had romantic dinners. Yes, we also went swimming and diving in the bluest water and took full advantage of the sun. Every day, we traveled all over the island in our rental Jeep. We would run into such a fantastic sight and just pull to the side of the road to observe and inhale the beautiful tropical breeze and landscape. Everything was so simple there. Life was good for the people who lived there, and on multiple occasions, we would spot an old man walking up a hill, herding a large group of sheep. On one of these occasions, Robert pulled the Jeep over to the side of this tiny dirt road. We got out of our car and approached the gentleman. Robert and I asked how long he had been working as a sheepherder. He smiled, with no teeth, and said, “This is my life, and I love it. The sheep take care of me, and I take care of them.” Then he told us how he made cheese, milk, and all other kinds of products. He lived in a little shack down the road.
The sheep and the herder passed by, and Robert and I continued our drive. We kept stopping to look at all the incredible views I was experiencing for the first time. I could not stop taking pictures! I remember, when we got to the bottom of this hill, we saw the gentleman’s shack and it was so adorable. We also saw the store down the dusty path, just as he said. Robert and I bought some food and then went down to the beach and had a picnic. After eating, we went swimming in the gleaming crystal-blue water. I turned around to find a goat right next to me, swimming in the ocean. I yelped at first, then realized the goat was just hanging out. There were so many goats all over the island just hanging around and eating the grass; they were pretty much doing the same things Robert and I had scheduled. As I was walking out of the water, Robert took a picture of that goat and me. How amazing and entertaining that day was. We continued to explore the island and the village of little tourist shops. There were so many stores. We bought some things to bring home, and Robert bought me such a beautiful dress for dinner that night.
Robert had the hotel plan a dinner for two on the beach at sunset. It was so romantic. When we got back to our honeymoon suite, the bed had roses all over