Finding the Sun Through the Clouds. Dawnmarie Deshaies
Judith. She was also an artist, and Robert took us out to lunch to get to know each other. Everything went well. Then I met his younger brother, Donald, and his grandparents from his mother’s side of the family. His grandfather’s name was Roland, and his grandmother’s was Simone. Hold on to that name for a future reference. On this side of Robert’s family, he had three aunts, one uncle. Their names were Peggie, Vivian, Diane, and the uncle, Roland. On Robert’s father’s side of the family, he had one aunt, Larine, and one uncle, Roger, and his grandmother, Jean. His paternal grandfather, Joseph, passed away before I came into the picture.
Robert had many friends in Springfield, Massachusetts, and was well-known throughout the small town. We both worked, and when we had days off, we were always together. Robert’s best friend since childhood was a man by the name of Anthony Bradley. Anthony’s family was a second family to Robert, his brother, and his mother. Robert’s parents divorced long before I met Robert. He was a young boy entitled to running his family at such a young age. He was the most mature of his friends. I think it was because of the pressures piled onto him as a child. Robert also had many jobs and knew what it was like to work for something you wanted in life. We both had the same work ethic, another characteristic we both admired in each other. We continued to meet each other’s friends. They all said we were moving too fast, but we knew better and didn’t really care how they felt. When you know, you know. Don’t ever let someone try to tell you to overlook a decision. Especially when everything from your soul to your body tells you yes. Robert also met my family: John, Barbara, and my brother Mark. He also met some of my beloved aunts and uncles.
Everything was going so well, and work was great for me. Robert ran and operated his own jewelry company. Robert lived at home with his mother when we met. Before that, he lived in Maryland but had been in a terrible car crash and moved home after his surgery to recover. Robert’s mother worked hard to make ends meet for her family. She was a single mother raising two young boys all by herself. Judith raised both of her sons to be independent and always to take care of their family. A trait I still hold dear to my heart that I have instilled upon my children. Donald, Robert’s younger brother, went off to college in Washington. So it was just Robert and his mother in the house. Robert took care of his mom whenever she needed help. He was raised to be a gentleman and to take care of his family under any circumstances. Even at such a young age of seven years old. Robert was also brought up with similar morals and work ethic I had grown up with as well. He was a kind person and recognized early on that what you put out into the universe with positive intention will return with rewards second fold.
There were so many things I loved about Robert: He was a genuine born leader with the heart of a lion. He was passionate, generous, and warm-hearted. He led his pride with honor and elegance. He was constantly cheerful and humorous. Like any king of the pride, he was very stubborn, just like me, his future queen.
Chapter 13
Christmas Day
We dated for a year, and he proposed to me again on Christmas Day. I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was Christmas morning at his mother’s house. As Robert was giving me my presents, he handed me this giant teddy bear. With glee in my voice, I was so happy to have this cute and fluffy bear to cuddle with. Little to my awareness, everyone in the room was staring at me. I looked at Donald, then Judith, Robert, and he glanced down at the velvet bow on the teddy bear, and I saw the most beautiful diamond ring. With an enormous amount of joy and pure delight in my voice, I said, “Yes, I will marry you!” Life was good.
I would see my friends every now and then. I was the only one engaged to be married at that time. All my girlfriends were still single. My work was going well, my love life was going great, and I felt like I was living in a dream. I moved into Robert’s mother’s house to save money. This made it easy to plan the wedding together, even with us both working sixty-plus hours a week. I started to notice I was feeling off again. The phantom pains were coming back, and I was having trouble holding on to things like a cup of coffee. My hand would go numb all the time to the point of my not being able to hold anything. It was crippling, but Robert was always there, holding me if my phantoms attacked too much. I was getting a lot of headaches behind my eyes. I continued to believe they were migraines. The clusters of black spots in my vision distracted me a lot, forcing me to rest.
I decided to go visit the eye doctor, and they said I had twenty-twenty vision. I told Robert about it, and we both thought maybe it was just stress. Remember, I was working overtime, planning our dream wedding, and running on little sleep. Thank the Lord for caffeine!
So once again, no real answers were brought to the fold. The crazy phantoms of pain and fatigue going on in my body continued to run amok. Robert and I were planning the wedding when my stress continued to increase. My phantoms were always lurking in the back of my mind. They were getting worse. My moods were all over the place. I remember we were fighting over silly things. I was so emotional all the time, a warning of what it was going to be like during pregnancy. Robert was worried about me and continued telling me not to stress; this would make me so mad because he didn’t understand what was happening to me. Unfortunately, with all the misplaced anger, I couldn’t explain it either. I didn’t know why—well, yes, I do, after years of self-perception and analysis. I didn’t like people telling me what to do. I was so stubborn, and I always wanted to able to do it all. We are all human. We carry flaws with us since childhood. Learn to recognize your shortcomings, and instead of feeding them, understand them and correct them. Self-analysis was and has continued to always be helpful in my life. The feelings of others trying to hold me back from or controlling my decisions will always be one of my biggest transgressors. I was like a black stallion, wild and free, but hard worker and loyal.
Robert also didn’t like it when I wanted to go out with my girlfriends for a drink. His flaw, much like my own, was his need for attention and consistent love. Jealousy, an all-too-human trait, meant Robert wanted me to be his and no one else’s. He has improved dramatically over the years, because jealousy is a young man’s game. Loss of control in my life was forcing me to feel confined; everyone was telling me what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. I never really understood this about me at all, but I have continued to figure out my inherent flaws. All I knew was when I felt pushed into a corner, I would push back even harder. I moved out of his house and moved in to an apartment with my friend Elaine. I felt this would be better for us, without my living in his mother’s house. I needed my own space to think and to feel like Robert and everybody involved in the wedding weren’t trying to control me. He was always good at fixing broken things, but you can’t fix everything. I knew I needed to have my own space to think things through and plan our future.
Chapter 14
The Breakup
A couple of months before the wedding, I placed the plans on hold. I felt like things were moving too fast, and to be honest, I feared losing myself. Who would I be after I got married? This was the question. Would I still be loyal to my inherent nature? I sure as hell wasn’t going to change anything about myself to be the perfect wife. If Robert really loved me, he would accept me for how I was. He would never try to Band-Aid my body and mind up, no matter how hard his instinct was urging to fix an elegant piece of art like myself. I kept asking myself, Would I be just a housewife and do whatever Robert told me? I didn’t want to lose my independence. I thought, if I was meant to be single forever because I couldn’t find a happy medium, then I could be content with my life. But even with these emerging thoughts and questions, I really loved Robert. I didn’t like feeling like he was controlling me. I thought long and hard, and this was not easy for me. At that time, I thought I was better off by myself. The breakup of our engagement was hard for me, so I did what I knew best. I stayed focused on work. The breakup all but destroyed Robert, and he contemplated moving away to California with Anthony to get away and heal from this seemingly almost-irreparable damage, little to my knowledge. I worked to push down my feelings so they wouldn’t hurt me. I worked long hours to keep my mind forced on other things, and when I found myself thinking I made a mistake, I wanted Robert back in my life. I worked harder and longer hours to stay focused on moving forward with my life, but deep down inside, I knew he was the infamous one. I didn’t want to admit it, that stubborn bull raging inside