Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette. Marion Harland
man to another, unless the first man be so crassly ignorant or careless as to neglect to come for it. Should a man be guilty of this rudeness he can only humbly apologize and explain his mistake, begging to be taken again into favor. If he be sincere the woman must, by the laws of good breeding, consent to overlook his lapse, but she need not give him the next dance he asks for unless she believes him to be excusable.
A man invited to a dance will properly pay particular attention to the young ladies of the family whose guest he is, and will not neglect to ask their mother for one number if she be dancing. A convenient phrase covering any doubt as to whether a girl or woman wishes to take active part in the festivities is, “Are you dancing to-night?”
THE HOSTESS AT A DANCE
The hostess at a dance must deny herself all dancing, unless her guests are provided with partners—or, at least, she should not dance during the first part of the evening if other women are unsupplied with partners. At a large ball the hostess frequently has a floor committee of her men friends to see that sets are formed and that partners are provided for comparative strangers. No hirelings will do this so skilfully or with so much tact as will the personal friends of the entertainers.
A young girl may, after a dance, ask to be taken to her chaperon, or to some other friend. She should, soon after the dance given to one man, dismiss him pleasantly, that he may ascertain the whereabouts of his next partner before the beginning of the next dance.
At a small house dance or other informal party the hostess sometimes provides for the proper attendance for the girls going home but it is not often wise to depend on this. A girl, if she is going to the home of an intimate friend, need not have a chaperon, but she should arrange that some one call for her and thus relieve her hostess of what is sometimes a trying responsibility. If the guest be a mature woman she may enjoy absolute independence by taking a cab.
The etiquette governing weddings and wedding receptions will be explained in the chapters on “Weddings.”
THE ENGAGED COUPLE
In our foremothers’ day the publicity of the declared engagement was a thing unknown. Now, the behavior of the affianced pair and what is due to them from society deserve a page of their own.
Perhaps the most ill-at-ease couple are the newly-married, but the engaged couple presses them hard in this line. To behave well under the trying conditions attendant upon a recently-announced engagement demands tact and unselfishness. It should not be necessary to remind any well-bred girl or man that public exhibitions of affection are vulgar, or that self-absorption, or absorption in each other, is in wretched taste. The girl should act toward her betrothed in company as if he were her brother or any trusted man friend, avoiding all low-voiced or seemingly confidential conversation. The man, while attentive to every want and wish of the woman he loves, must still mingle with others and talk with them, forcing himself, if necessary, to recollect that there are other women in the world besides the one of his choice. The fact that romantic young people and critical older ones are watching the behavior of the newly-engaged pair and commenting mentally thereon, is naturally a source of embarrassment to those most nearly concerned in the matter. But let each remember that people are becoming engaged each hour, that no strange outward transformation has come over them, and that all evidences of the marvelous change which each may feel has transformed life for him or her may be shown when they are in private. If they love each other, their happiness is too sacred a thing to be dragged forth for public view.
It is customary, when an engagement is announced, for the friends of the happy girl to send her flowers, or some dainty betrothal gift. She must acknowledge each of these by a note of thanks and appreciation.
ANNOUNCING ENGAGEMENTS
It is not good form for a girl to announce her own engagement, except to her own family and dear friends. A friend of the family may do this, either at a luncheon or party given for this purpose, or by mentioning it to the persons who will be interested in the pleasant news. When a girl is congratulated, she should smile frankly and say “Thank you!” She should drill herself not to appear uncomfortably embarrassed. The same rule applies to the happy man.
The conventional diamond solitaire ring is not worn until the engagement is announced.
WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES
The happily married often consider the Great Event of their lives of sufficient interest to the world-at-large to be commemorated by yearly festivities.
Cards for wedding anniversaries bear the names of the married pair, the hours of the reception to be given and the two dates, thus:
June 15, 1880——June 15, 1905.
If the anniversary be the Silver Wedding the script may be in silver; if a Golden Wedding, in gilt. Wooden Wedding invitations, engraved or written on paper in close imitation of birch bark, are pretty. At one such affair all decorations were of shavings, and the refreshments were served on wooden plates. The Wooden Wedding is celebrated after an interval of five years. At a Tin Wedding, tinware was used extensively, even the punch being taken from small tin cups and dippers. This wedding marks the flight of ten years of married life.
The reception is usually held in the evening, and husband and wife receive together, and, if refreshments are served at tables, they sit side by side. It is proper to send an anniversary present suitable to the occasion. Such a gift is accompanied by a card bearing the name of the sender, and the word “Congratulations.” It is customary to send such a gift only a day or two before the celebration of the anniversary.
An anniversary reception is just like a reception given at any other time, and rules for conducting such a one apply to this affair. To repeat the wedding ceremony, as is sometimes done, is in bad taste.
CHRISTENING PARTIES
In close sequence to weddings and wedding anniversaries we give a few general directions for the conduct of christening-parties.
As the small infant is supposed to be asleep early in the evening, the christening ceremony should take place in the morning or afternoon. As it is not always convenient for the business men of the family to get off in the daytime on week days, Sunday afternoon is often chosen for such an affair.
Every prayer-book contains a description of the duties of godfathers and godmothers, if one belongs to a church having such. If not, the father holds the child, and the father and mother take upon them the vows of the church to which they belong. After the religious service the little one is passed about among the guests, and is then taken by the nurse to the upper regions, while those assembled in its honor regale the inner man with refreshments provided for the occasion.
The godfather and godmother make a gift to the child—usually some piece of silver or jewelry. This is displayed on a table in the drawing-room with any other presents that the invited guests may bring or send. It is the proper thing for the guests to congratulate the parents on the acquisition to the family and to wish the child health and happiness.
Handsome calling gowns are en règle at a christening.
Refreshments are often served en buffet at home weddings and at receptions but there is always some awkwardness attached to this method. To provide small tables for one’s guests to be seated at is much the better way when it is practicable. You will seem more hospitable and your guest will be more comfortable. The person who eats standing always has a catch-a-train look.
TAKING LEAVE
If obliged for any reason to leave unusually early at any party, go as quietly as possible. No hostess likes to have her entertainment broken off unseasonably.
THE MARGIN OF MANNERS
Never hesitate at any social gathering to speak pleasantly to any one you chance to be thrown with or to respond to any one who speaks to you, even though no introduction has taken place. In England, few formal introductions are made,—as the phrase goes, “the roof is the introduction.” A passing courtesy of this sort commits you to nothing while it has a broad social value. Never indulge in snubs. If you are open to no higher appeal, remember that it pays to be civil all round.